Newbie needs help:husband left Saturday

[BklynMom]

Hang in there DXW - this is so painful.

It will take time but life will teach them that reality aint the Brady Bunch.

[myway14]

DXW,

Your story is so similar to mine, but I am about 4 to 5 months ahead of you in the timeline. My bomb drop was in June and he moved out in August. At some point I will post my whole story but for now I feel compelled to offer you support. I can say it will get better. It doesn't feel like that is possible right now, but trust me it does. Your mind is busy processing all of this information and while it does that it seems like you cannot focus on anything else. Take one day at a time, one hour at a time - whatever works. Find a counselor, or several friends who you can talk to and who will not mind listening to you. If you do not talk about it, you will be unable to move forward. If you cannot talk to anybody - write it all down. The hardest thing to remember is that it is not YOUR fault. Nothing you said or did caused this to happen. This was brewing in his mind LONG before the bomb drop. You will realize this once you are able to process and look backwards to connect the dots. It is HIS choice, HIS crisis, HIS disaster. Do not let him suck you in! You will have to be stronger than you ever thought possible to make it through. We are here for you.

[dxw689]

Thanks Bklynmom and Myway: Myway, it almost brought tears to my eyes to hear support from new posters with such similar situations. It feels that every time I begin to emotionally stabilize, a new bomb is dropped. Just last night, he told me he is losing his job. This is not the emotional bomb drop that the others were, so it really didn't bother me emotionally, but it is something of concern financially. He, as usual, doesn't seem concerned about it. I managed to ask if OW has a job - and he casually mentioned that she recently lost hers too! How convenient. Everyone both on boards and in personal life urges me to get a lawyer - I have been getting advice from friends on options, but still am daunted by doing it - between work and kids and I have a horrible commute, it is hard to fit it in...But I am dealing better emotionally and am getting there - one thing at a time...
Just thank you thank you for support. Good luck to you both in your situations

[myway14]

I too, did not think I needed a lawyer. Husband suggested mediation which I agreed to. Spent three hours in mediation (costing him $1000) and then he brought all of the papers to a lawyer and refused to sign any of the financial or time sharing agreements (we have a teenaged daughter). Then he accused me of being the barrier to the divorce and twisted EVERYTHING I said to him into a completely different context to support his story. It was at that point that I knew I had to hire a lawyer. He may be playing nice now, but I promise you it will not stay that way. I too got little "bombs" every few days. From realizing that he had met up with OW on our family vacation to finding out he never really got his own apartment when he moved out, but moved in with her instead (and still denies he lives there to this day 6 months later). I made the mistake of confronting him which only fueled the fire. I called him a liar and a cheater and he told me that living with me all these years was like living in a hell hole and that I never treated him like a human being. I think that is when he hired a lawyer. He knows he messed up but is in such deep denial, cannot think straight, cannot remember what lies he has told to who and so he neeeded a professional to handle his affairs. If it's one thing I wish I did earlier in the process was get a lawyer. It's expensive, but it will give you some peace of mind and a barrier to having to communicate with him. Communication will not be his strong point and his behavior will regress so that you feel you are talking to an angry rebellious teenager.Nothing you say matters. Better to say it through a professional. Stay strong, take one day at a time.

[dxw689]

I just thought I would post a positive comment for a change: Had a really nice day taking my daughter ice skating today while son stayed with a friend. I kind of get what people are saying about the gift of time and what you can do with it - I already feel like I was going through a midlife transition in which I was struggling to reassert my own interests after spending about 9 or 10 years almost only on the kids - so I was already sort of trying to ferment a better self, although frankly, I think husband resented a bit of this and also there was a piece of my frustrations that I took out on him - but now that he is out, I feel like I am becoming sort of a distilled version of myself - could be a good thing, but a little strong...

[dxw689]

Just updating: I have an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday. It is really sad to me, because on top of being the only one invested in our marriage emotionally, I also have more to lose financially, and ours is a no-fault divorce state, so the more I read up on it, the more I see what a bad position I am in. But I guess it is good for me to get all the information and deal with it. Thanks for the suggestions. Husband continues to be frustrating: After taking the kids to Dave and Busters (arcade place) on their day off of school together with the other woman, he took me aside to tell me that he told her to ride in the back seat with the kids, so that it was clear she wasn't just replacing me (we had had a discussion of how he just "changed the face on the woman doll"). As if that would help, when the kids were sleeping overnight together with her within 6 weeks of him moving out of our house.

[myway14]

Check with your lawyer. I am in a no fault state as well but if your husband spent any marital assets on the OW you can get that held against him and put back "in the pot" per se. He will have to provide all of his financials for the D process. In the meantime should start going through records and looking for evidence. It will give you some leverage.

[FloydMan]

DXW, your H is clearly a fool for introducing someone new to the kids so soon and trying to integrate this way. No-fault certainly has it's good and bad points. From my perspective, mostly bad. Seems yours too. Just keep close to your babies, and maybe not join them in their games anymore like the D&B scene. It is tormenting you, and likely your kids are confused. Your H is tiring to get the best of all worlds. Selfish bugger.

[T-boned]

Dearest DXW,

First of all, I am so sorry to read of your situation and that you find yourself here. My heart goes out to you and your children - it made me cry to think of another person having to experience this pain and agony. But you couldn't have found a better place to land with all the support you have received and are going to receive during what is probably the worst time in your life. But walk with us, because together we can all share the burden by bringing our individual strengths, experiences, and advice while we share this journey. After all, life is really all about helping one another.

I was just having a down day myself, getting ready to sign a contract that will begin the D process when I decided to come here to post my feelings. Then I saw your thread and while it made me sad to know what you and your children have experienced to date, just seeing the incredible outpouring of support by the others masw me feel hopeful for us all. No matter the outcome.

Mine's not looking good at the moment, but I know we all have each others backs.

Listen to the advice, and go easy on yourself. Detachment is difficult and you will have days where it seems as though you've made it, then, BAM, you feel like you are starting at square one again. Been 9 months for me, but only in the last 2 have I felt like the backslides aren't as dramatic . . still cried and pleaded to God last night to give me a sign that I'll be alright...that I was losing faith, didn't understand why I had to go through this, but I was also very tired. So keep that in mind. And don't stuff it all in - find an appropriate place and time to release your pent up hurt anger, etc . . scream and cry in the car (on of my favorites). But rest, exercise and eat as healthy as you can, and enjoy time with your children, cherish them, and be the adult you want them to be when they grow up...

As for your H, he's not a well man, but that doesn't excuse him. Hard to grasp at times, have empathy for him, but don't let that be a reason to let him run roughshod over you and your kids. (Good you're in line with an attorney.) And IMHO, your children should not be subjected to the OW or her children at this point,either. What does that teach them?

My love and prayers to you DXW. We're here.

[dxw689]

Thanks T-boned and FloydMan: I really needed to read the support tonight, because I confess, I am alone in the house with a nice fire I built and suddenly longed more than anything to play a board game with my kids - who are at their father's house with the other woman tonight. And that just opened the floodgates: I can't understand what I did to deserve this - one thing to have relationship with husband not work out, but it just does not seem fair to be deprived of my kids 2 nights a week thru things that I thought were quite fixable in a marriage. What hard times we are all having. My heart goes out to you both too.