You are seeing a therapist and she is seeing a therapist, plus you are getting advice on the DB board. I would think ir must get confusing sometimes, especially if the advice is contrary.
I agree 100% with your T in getting out of the "fix it" mode. First of all, she doesn't want you trying to fix her and will cause more problem for you. Second of all, some men take a certain pride being Mr Fixer......but what they don't understand is that women may not be asking him to fix something. An example would be her needing to talk about something stressful at work. He hears with his man ears that she needs solution, so he tells her what she needs to do to solve the problem. This frustrates her emotionally b/c she just wants him to listen to her talk about her feelings.....and to sympathize.
WAW's are usually angry (visibly or not) and are not looking for solutions to improve their MR. She is past the desire to have it fixed. Just as it angers her to see you doing things now that she wanted you to do in the past, it also makes her angry to see you seeking or suggesting solutions to fix the broken MR. Truth is, the man is making it much worse on himself.
I get amazed at a lot of LBH'S who "claim" they do certain things for themselves, when really they are doing it to emotionally impress the WAW. She may be in a fog, but she stills knows her H better than anyone and it would be hard to fool her regarding his true intentions behind his actions. Not that I'm comparing our S with God, but you know how the scripture teaches that God sees the heart of man and knows our true intent? We have to dig deep sometimes b/c we can lie to ourselves about why we are really doing good deeds, etc. Right? I think a lot of LBH's convince themselves they are changing and doing certain deeds in order to be a better man......when in fact, if his W left, he would stop doing it. Perhaps a good measuring stick would to ask yourself if (whatever the action) is something yowidowed do even if your W never knows about it. If you can remove the "earning browning points" from the equation, then it may help you see the true reason behind your actions. If you are not doing an action to make brownie points, then you will be able to withstand her negative reactions. You are sorry she isn't happy that you are present while children say their nightly prayers (for example), however, as the spiritual leader in the home, this is your responsibility and you will do it whether she's there or not......until the kids are older. You don't have to give a sermon about your purpose behind what you do, you just quietly continue doing it. For me, I have found that if I am not doing something in order for "Sandi" to get personal glory from it, then it's usually for the "right" reasons. But it hard to get "self" out of the way.
"She does have "stuff" but I am beginning to doubt whether she has the self-awareness or courage to deal with it. How does a WAW ever shift from blaming their spouse and seeing him as the enemy, to seeing both sides of the coin and accepting her part? How did it happen for you?"
That is one of those reasons it takes so long. When you consider how the LBH has to learn by trial & error and all the time used up just for him to "get it", and double that time (at least) for her to wake up, get through the withdrawal & depression, and finally start trying to make your reality better........well you see where I'm going. I think your key words in that quote are "self-awareness" and "courage". By her referring to it as her fantasy, tells us she is trying to escape from the reality around her. When you use the word "courage", that immediately causes me to think one of two things. There is something scary in her reality or she is emotionally frail. I see missionaries in foreign countries as anything but frail, but that's just me.
For me it wasn't so much a lack of courage as it was lack of energy........and hope. Hopelessness is like a death. I see so many LBS here who don't want to lose hope. Well, I had lost hope for my M and I think it was like a death. It didn't happen in a few months. It took years for it to die. It does seem easier when you think about a new one...instead of resurrecting a dead one!
Your question is hard to answer in a few words, but I will tell you that my foundation I had in the church and the teaching of forgiveness was my crossroad with my H. As a Christian, I had to deal with the issue of unforgiveness. I had to admit to myself and confess to God that I had not truly forgiven my H of a lot of things over the past. I had so much i had pushed down that was never r esolved in our M. I'm talking many, many years of deep resentment. Over time, that resentment turned into a monster! It turned me into a bitter and critical person who blames my H for practically everything. So, after coming here and getting excellent advice, I had to make a decision (my crossroad). I had to forgive my H, even though he has never asked me to forgive him.....or admit he had a part in the breakdown of our M. I had to forgive him, for me. I had to forgive him in order to go on. Your W, hopefully, has the same teaching. How long it will take her, we don't know. The thing about forgiveness is it involves our own free volition to actually do it. Some people had rather hang onto all that anger and have another person to blame instead of taking responsibility for their own happiness. (which is another long topic for another time,)
Let me stop here, due to length of post, and I'll start another one. I tend to get sidetracked and end up not answering the actual question.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
