Just an update. Things have been going great. We still have a long way to go but we had a disagreement a few days ago and it started to dissolve into ugliness but we both stopped and I walked away rather than pushing and less than an hour later we actually had a real productive conversation. I think I am starting to understand that "get away from me" isn't his rejection of me, but just a plea for some space. I think we are really starting to try to understand each other rather than staying in our own heads. Making progress!
My new theme song "Just give me a reason just a little bit's enough, just a second we're not broken just bent, and we can learn to love again!" (P!nk and that guy from F.U.N.).
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Great to see your update, MS. And glad things are going well.
I love that song . . . used to belt it out in the car last spring when I felt that something was wrong between me and H, but having faith that we would figure it out. Of course never realizing how wrong it was.
What about "Rough Water" by Travie McCoy? That's another good one for your sitch.
Hope things keep getting better for you!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I'll have to look that one up Melissa. I am still reading your threads when I get a chance. I really appreciate your openness with your sitch and I always seem to have aha moments with your posts and the replies to you. I feel like I was given a gift that BD happened when H was still not quite so sure it was what he wanted. As awful as that weekend was, I am glad that it happened because it was a wake up call for both of us. And I learned more about how to be a better me in these past 3 months then in my entire (almost) 39 years. I learned how to break bad patterns. I learned how to see different perspectives. And most of all I learned how to let go of things that are out of my hands. It is all still a work in progress, though. But at least now I know where I was going wrong and I feel like I have some tools to help future situations.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Oh yes. melissa I know that song. Another good one.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
I think I am underestimating how hard this part of the journey is. My divorce is busted but my marriage is still not saved, if that makes any sense. Slipping into the same patterns is just so easy. And the fact that D was taken off the table so quickly after it was first put on doesn't help. I haven't had enough time to make my changes permanent and now that the urgency is gone I have lost sight of the fact that those changes I made weren't just to get his attention and make him feel happier about sharing a home with me, but also to make me happier and just an all around better me.
I went back and read through both of my threads to remind me of the changes and the process, and yes--even the pain--because I need to remember that that is a place I don't ever want to be again. However, recent weeks I feel I have slipped back into avoidance mode. I have once again started taking on his moods as a personal slight and as a result I have been avoiding him and not being available to him.
Being available but not needy or pushy about it. Sometimes I get it right, but those times are outnumbered by the times I get it wrong. One day it is too much and I can tell by his body language that he can't get away fast enough, other days I make sure I don't suffer rejection by making sure I am nowhere near him. After rereading I remembered how having PMA was the key to successfully shielding myself from his moods, but also still being connected and with him. In addition, that book about connecting without talking had some good tips about "jumping in the puddle" which is actually experiencing your partner's feelings with him but not really taking responsibility for those feelings. It is all about empathy. I need to let go of my insecurities to be able to successfully do that with him, though.
"We're not broken, just bent" I truly believe that now. I can fix this, but it will take so much time and effort. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who is trying and I get resentful. But I need to remember that he wants this to work, but he wants things to happen slowly, and the more I try to push for things to happen quickly the more harm I will do. So less pushing for closeness and more PMA. Less trying to get him to share what he is thinking and feeling for the sake of my own needs, and more listening and validating and being available for when he is ready to share on his own.
*sigh* I am so grateful to be in the position right now, but it certainly is hard work, isn't it? I guess that is the point. Happily ever after is totally real and possible, but that doesn't mean that it is magical. It is a commitment that you have to make every day to yourself and your partner. And some days are easier than others.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Hi Mustard seed, I haven't been on the forums much...the last time I was in your thread I saw you talking about the booked "How to fix your marriage w/o talking about it" (I think that's the title)....I just got it in the mail a few days ago. I am no longer reading for the sake of my marriage, just to continue learning for furture growth.
I am so happy to see things seem to be turning around in your sitch....faith the size of a mustard see huh?
From other piecing threads I saw that falling into old habits is hard and one of the keys was, even though you are piecing, continue to not look to your spouse for your happiness... but continue to do your GAL activities and 180s etc... that make you happy and make you, you. And even invite your spouse to join in, but it he can't, keep your plans.
I don't think I saw anything, forgive me if I am wrong, but will C be an option in the future or going to something like Retrouvaille? I understand he wants things to reconnect slowly (which is good, because piecing can take years, so low expectation to start is great); but since he has decided D is not an option anymore... at some point he's going to have to start doing the work to repair the damage as well. Do you have a plan for that when the time comes?
I imagine knowing he doesn't want D, but still being the only one "changing" and keeping things positive has to be difficult at times. So I was just wondering.
Again, it's awesome that things are starting to come together for you. I will your marriage all the best.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Thank you for your post, Mimi. I don't think C would be an option for a long time 1) because we can't afford it 2) because he doesn't want to.
When he told me that he didn't want to S he said it as if I should have already known that he changed his mind about that, even though he never said anything about it. When he said he loved me he said, "This doesn't mean things are fixed and I don't want you to change just because I told you what bothered me about you". In the past those comments would have infuriated me because they are so confusing. Now I have a list of things he hates about me, and specific instructions to not change those things. Then a statement about how he will also not do anything differently. Not very promising.
I think that his point is that he doesn't want me trying too hard, and he doesn't want me to expect anything from him. Doesn't sound very promising on the surface, but if I untangle his crude messages I think he is pretty much giving me the same advice you and all of the other wonderful DBers stand behind. He doesn't trust words, and he feels they are forced. I need the words--he really doesn't get it. So for him things happening naturally means that R is never talked about but just starts to feel right again. I need words, but right now I can't push that. So I will continue to DB with my GAL and my 180s, and I will continue to try to build a connection without talking about the R. And I will continue to keep a PMA, especially when he is in a foul mood. And I will not let my anxieties infect our interactions. I need to have a money talk with him, but I need to wait until I feel like I can be positive about it and not let it become a stressful conversation. I don't want to go back to our bad money habits (not ok with me at all), but I also know that why I was doing to fix the situation drove a huge wedge between us. Somehow I need to figure out how to inspire him to want to work on this together.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
He doesn't trust words, and he feels they are forced. I need the words--he really doesn't get it. So for him things happening naturally means that R is never talked about but just starts to feel right again. I need words, but right now I can't push that. So I will continue to DB with my GAL and my 180s, and I will continue to try to build a connection without talking about the R. And I will continue to keep a PMA, especially when he is in a foul mood. And I will not let my anxieties infect our interactions. I need to have a money talk with him, but I need to wait until I feel like I can be positive about it and not let it become a stressful conversation. I don't want to go back to our bad money habits (not ok with me at all), but I also know that why I was doing to fix the situation drove a huge wedge between us. Somehow I need to figure out how to inspire him to want to work on this together.
I deleted a large section of my previous post that this section was part of. Sorry for the confusion.
A few days before he told me he didn't want to S I was temperature checking and he told me to be patient. Then the night before we were having a nice time together and I asked him what was happening with us, and he said "why do you have to go and do that". I dropped the subject both times and kept my PMA, but the next day I was so mad. And I told him that I thought that he was enjoying the fact that I don't know what is going on. That really pissed him off. He couldn't believe I could say such a thing. So the conversation about not wanting a S and telling me he loves me actually came out more in anger than as an act of trying to reconcile.
Still, for me, I need to words. To him having to tell me how he feels is unnatural and forcing things--I think. So that is what that section of my post is referring to. Our biggest conflict I think lies in our love languages. Mine is words, and that happens to be the one that makes him the most uncomfortable. So for right now i really have to lay off the verbal communication and focus on learning the other languages.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
Just a quick update. Things have been bumpy but we seem to be dealing with them better. We had a recent blowout that resulted in him finally getting professional help to deal with whatever it is he is going through. I continue to work on me.
I have discovered that a lot of the financial frustration I have felt with him is not all his fault. I let my anxiety and irrational feelings about money dictate the conversation and I am always second guessing everything. I make myself crazy and must make him crazy as well. I am working on this, and it seems like things have been turning around since I started to let go of the need to control things by giving up control and then getting mad about it, or by trying to force things to go my way. We recently had a conversation about money where I approached him with confidence and laid things out in a non-emotional matter of fact way and it was the first time I think we left a financial conversation both feeling satisfied.
Things are still far from perfect and I don't know where we will end up once we each deal with our own separate issues, but I can finally say that I am at a place where I know I will be fine no matter what ends up happening.
I am sad that our lives still seem to be more separate than I would like, but right now I think that is the way it has to be. I am learning how to discuss things with him with confidence rather than being timid and wishy-washy. I am learning how to set boundaries although I am still fuzzy on what they are--especially when it comes to the kids. But I noticed he has been different--in a good way. He doesn't seem so defeated anymore. He is still unhappy about things going on in his life (outside of me and the kids) but it doesn't seem to be weighing on him as heavily anymore--and when it is about me he tells me rather than brooding.
So while things aren't passionate and romantic and exciting like they used to be, I feel like we are really becoming stronger individuals and hopefully that will translate to a richer more fulfilling marriage.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
