Pre-piecing Thoughts

[mustardseed]

I have a feeling that all three of those situations you mentioned she would have viewed in a different way. Unless she truly is an awful person who hid her horridness until after marriage.

Here is an example of different perspectives from my sitch. One of the issues my husband mentioned during the conversation we had that led to our reconciliation was about how I pulled away. I tended to retreat to the bedroom when he would come home, but I thought I was responding to him. He never seemed happy to see me, everything I did seemed to annoy him, although he never said it, that was the vibe I would get from his body language. Rather than deal with that rejection I would remove myself. I felt he was pushing me away. He felt I was pulling away. It was a weird dance that drove us so far apart we became strangers. The more time we had together in the house, the more time we actively avoided each other--me hiding out in the bedroom and he monopolizing the main part of the house. When we talked about it I realized that his body language did in fact mean he needed space, but not that he didn't want me around. Two different perspectives of the same thing. I was very careful in that conversation to not jump in and said, "but I did that because you would roll your eyes whenever I would talk". I listened to him, validated what he said, then respond by saying something like, "so you thought that I was avoiding you, whereas I thought that you didn't want me near you."

I don't know your W at all, but here are some scenarios that might help you understand where her issues were, I am assuming a whole heck of a lot but the point is to try and get you to think about what her perception MIGHT be--a way to get you to try and see another perspective. I am an amateur at this but hopefully it might help a bit.

1) how you parented. You mentioned your kids are a bit older than hers so it makes sense that she might have had different expectations. However, is it possible you came across as arrogant in your parenting to her? Do you think you might have sent a non-verbal (or maybe verbal) message that you were more experienced so you know better? Also, I feel like dad's get more credit for good parenting for even minor things, whereas mom's are just expected to do it well. Is it possible that she resented being considered the "lesser" parent in general? This could lead to her being resentful and spiteful and (childlishly) putting your kids down to put you down and make her feel like less of a failure as a mother.

2) When you decided to take over, is it possible that she took this as a further indication that you did not appreciate the things that she had to offer in the family or the relationship. Men tend to want to protect their family and provide for their family, and since you had single dad experience you probably felt comfortable providing all of the roles in the household leaving her wondering where she fit in. Not only were you able to rise to the challenge, but has a male you probably got more kudos for doing it from outsiders than a woman would get for doing the same thing. This could lead her to wanting to retreat. Feeling useless and unappreciated and not sure where she belongs in this family. For women this brings out this fear of being left out (isolated). Talking (even fighting) is a way to reestablish some sort of connection (negative or positive doesn't matter as long as there is some connection). In the wild female pack animals are very vulnerable when they are isolated. They depend on the pack, and not having a role in the pack puts them in danger of being pushed out. A very scary feeling. Yes, we are evolved, but our base instincts are the same.

3) Spending money. The isolation, retreating to her room, avoiding any contact because the perceived rejection is too much to bare, leads to the need to fill the emptiness. Shopping is one way people fill this hole. Having access to the family money provided a lingering connection. By cutting her off from that she felt like she was left without a life boat. At this point she felt like she had no other way to fill the void. She was depressed, felt useless, alone, and now her one connection to the pack and to the outside world was cut off. She blamed you. You were trying to keep the family afloat, but you see, she was so far retreated at this point that she couldn't see past her own desperate need for connection.

This is when she realized she needed to go find another "pack" to join.

Now she is back. Make her feel valued. Stop focusing on how you can do things so much better than she can, and compliment her on the little things that she does do. Ignore the things that she does wrong for the time being. She needs to feel valued. Not just as your romantic partner, but as an essential contributor. She might be so far out of practice that maybe right now she is not doing much of anything in your mind, but find something. Anything, no matter how small it is, and focus on that. Not on her shortcomings. And whatever you do DO NOT hold her up to your standard. Also, for the short term, it is probably best of you leave disciplining of her children up to her, and your children should be your responsibility. But make sure that your children are respectful to her. Let her see that you will not allow your children to walk over her or disrespect her.

I hope this helps. I have been reading a lot of books on the difference between men and women lately and it really helps to be able to see the other side. I still have a hard time with the male perspective but I am slowly starting to understand my husband a little bit better.