D18 said last weekend that H is starting antidepressants. That was a shocker. He told her 'I'm sure it's no surprise that I've not been doing well, I'm trying to take control of my life' says he hasn't been drinking this month and now the AD... but still no communication with me. My new favorite reminder is QTIP - quit taking it personally! I repeat that to myself probably 20 times a day.
I don't know if there is a newcomer's alanon group but I've found one that I like the best and have been regular there. It's not a fun process! I really don't enjoy the alanon meetings, brings up a lot of bad feelings that make me angry. The anger makes me scared because it feels too familiar, as in my life before bd. My emotional baseline from that time was anger and I've come to really enjoy my life and I feel like a happier, truer version of myself since then. My IC had a good suggestion that I use the meetings and hard feelings they stir up as a laboratory to test my changes and continue to practice controlling my reactions, making it easier to do so in my real life.
But I failed yesterday in my changes and am hoping for some advice.
We had a storm a few weeks ago and part of my fence blew down. H saw a week or so after the storm and offered to fix it, then without any prompting from me he made the repairs for the past two days. H & I haven't communicated at all for about a month, he only goes through our dds. I've seen him a couple times in the past month and I'm nice & normal in person, but there's no texting or friendship outside.
So my fence is fixed and it looks great, I left a message for H last night saying how great he did & how grateful I am. A little later he texted me 'you look so cute with those dimples'... I don't have dimples... My feelings of anger and hurt swell, but I didn't answer with swear words, didn't storm around the house, didn't tell d16, it was a marked difference to a year ago. I just replied 'dimples?'. He says 'sorry, not for you'. Hurt hurt hurt... and here's where I react - I don't reply to the text message but go and unfriend him on facebook (where we were still 'married').
Then about 20 min later H texts me 'I don't expect you to believe me, but i'll tell you anyways. My friends xx & xx have a football love/hate thing going & I was texting them both. Basically egging them on. This picture is what I was talking about, referring to him. Anyway...' then he sends a pic of a woman & man with huge smiles. Dimples? maybe, can't tell.
Did I do okay with my reply? I said 'Thanks. I realize you don't really owe me an explanation but it makes me feel a lot better'. No further reply from H.
But... I already unfriended him on fb. So now that looks like exactly what it is, an angry reaction.
Should I: 1) pre-empt any hurt feelings on his side and tell him today 'H, I just wanted you to know that I unfriended you on fb and please don't take it personally, I was having a hard time managing my reactions and thinking about your life outside our family. It's best for me not to be exposed to that'. 2) ignore it, if he has any questions he can ask me 3) friend request him back & say 'ooops, mistake'.
The new me prefers the #1 honest approach. But I have a history of amplifying issues, so maybe doing nothing is a better route. Especially in light of our lack of communication. I don't want the only communication he gets from me in the past few months to be negative. Opinions please?
I continue to learn and see where there are still things I need to work on. It's the two steps forward, one step back shuffle. And the alanon rules don't exactly coincide with the db rules, it's a merging of the two I need help on I think.
I realize you don't really owe me an explanation but it makes me feel a lot better'. No further reply from H.