maybe a bit off the edge?

[dingo]

I am definitely handing control of me over to her. She knows how to do it - tell me what I want to hear (maybe she is in fact sincere about it at the time - not saying that its premeditated manipulation). She seems to know when I start to feel ok without talking to her (i was really starting to get content with things after 7-10 days with only one interaction).

I am cool with NC and being unavailable. I just haven't figured out how to/if I should be unavailable if/when she approaches me saying/doing all the right things.

The truth is that I think she's not ready - but if i say that, its projecting my feelings onto her which is wrong and will likely only piss her off. I don't want to say I am not ready because its not true. I am ready to work on things with her if she's sincere about it.

[dingo]

So here's the email I get this morning:

Are you interested in moving forward with a divorce if I'm continuing the affair? We don't have to email. We can text or if you want to talk on the phone you can call me during lunch today.

I didn't answer the email, didn't call at lunch and didn't text. I don't know if this is a temp check or if she's looking for permission (?) to have an affair.

I am thinking of just ignoring it and letting her come to me when she has something to say worth listening to.

[sandi2]

Then 2 days after that - I'm stepping back from divorce (this is what she meant by "stepping back" Sandi.

Gottcha! Thanks for bringing that to my attention.

She knows how to do it - tell me what I want to hear (maybe she is in fact sincere about it at the time - not saying that its premeditated manipulation)

I agree, and I also think she is probably sincere at that moment. But she hasn't fully gotten over OM and therefore she is easily swept back into the emotional thrill the A provided.

She knows how to do it - tell me what I want to hear (maybe she is in fact sincere about it at the time - not saying that its premeditated manipulation)

Since she was saying and doing the things you originally requested the last time around....and then she went back to OM, I have a suggestion for you. Remember how I once told you that it is like an addiction for her? You thought she was over that addiction when she was able to go ten days (or whatever) without contacting OM. I did not reply to that statement back then b/c I felt like I am always bringing a hammer down on your hopes. I didn't think you'd believe it anyway, and would have to see for yourself. The thing is, it's (the addiction of the A) is just not that easily or quickly beaten. All it would take is for her to hear his voice, see his picture, or read some message from him and it triggers the addictive cravings for him. That's not to say that she can't get over it, but I don't believe it will be in a couple of weeks or even months.

The longer I am on the board, the more I am convinced that a couple (who are in your shoes) needs a break between the time the A ends and the time they begin to see each other again. B/c she has bounced back & forth between you two men, and she needs to be without either one for awhile. As long as she's bouncing, she will not know what she truly wants. Her feelings for both men are too intertwined at this point. She really does need space from both of you.

The OM has told her to leave him alone until or after she gets a D. So then she bounces again and tells you she's backing away from D papers. How long do you think it would be till you discover there's been contact between them again?

You are afraid that if you back off and are unavailable to her that it will leave the door wide open for OM. You are probably concerned that if she thought you didn't want to be with her that she'd go running to him. You may see this being your “last chance". But I say that if she isn't over him (and she's not) that you making yourself available to her is NOT going to win her back, and she will execute the same behavior pattern all over again. And what if OM gets enough (as you hoped) and ends it for good? First of all, you don’t want OM doing the “work” for your M, but secondly, why do you see it being the answer to what ails the M? OM really wasn't the problem to start with. Getting rid of OM doesn't guarantee you a MR with her. B/c if you were there to gladly step back into the picture,
it would simply be a period of time before she would find another man. How do I know? B/c of her behavior before this OM appeared on the scene. Her desire to stay out late without her H (as often as she was doing it) and not wanting to give him a time when he could expect her, is a strong indication of a woman who is looking for something that isn't at home waiting on her. She took you for granted and she still does. It doesn’t make her malicious or manipulative and she may not even recognize she’s doing it. But, why shouldn't she take you for granted? It is old human nature. And I think there's a big chance that she will repeat being unfaithful again --- as long as she believes you will always be willing to take her back. Do you see where I'm going with this? Not only do you want her back as your W, but you don't want to ever go through this ordeal again. Which means you need to get it right this last time around.

Since the two of you are already S, why not wait until she has time to fully get over the addiction of the A before going back together? That way, she won't have OM as a distraction in the M and she won't feel like her heart is divided between two men, and she would be more willing to do the work needed in the M. If, while separated, she should decide she still wants a D, then would it not be better to know now instead of after she moved back….and then leave again?
She won’t agree that it is an addiction (b/c they seldom do until they get through the process) and it’s not necessary to tell her. I would not tell her anything I’ve just shared with you (like you tried to do in the beginning). You have the information, and it helps you know what she’s dealing with.

I would tell her that you both need time apart to think about what you want clearly, without any emotional pressure from anyone. You can tell her you want her to thoroughly get over any lasting effects from the A before beginning a new R with you. No contacts with you until one month after her last contact with OM. She needs no influence from either man.
After that month, and when she initiates contact with you, then you can decide to see her or not. You will need to take it very slowly for a while in order to determine if you feel she is sincere about wanting to do what you have asked from her in a MR.

I know how this must sound to you, but I grant you a month will be a short time for her to get through the hardest part of the A withdrawal.

[sandi2]

Wow! I took too long typing out my last post and when I submitted it, I see the latest. That takes the cake!

[dingo]

Yeah...wtf am I supposed to say to that??

[labug]

Ignore.

[dingo]

Deleted it from my inbox and deleted folder so I don't have to see it again and risk being tempted to respond. It boils my blood when I think of the sheer stupidity of that question.

[dingo]

And thank you for the well thought out response sandi. I will think long and hard on what you said.

As an aside. It's seems to be getting easier to stay away from her as the days go on and I get greeted with nonsense from her. Helps show me where her head is, or rather isnt, right now.

[melissag]

Dingo, to add a little humor to your sitch right now, because I know it's anything but funny . . .

Saw one of those someecards that says,

"Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news! They found your head!"

[dingo]

Haha! Thanks for that M. I tend to have a pretty sarcastic sense of humor so feel free to add away. I do see a fair bit of warped humor in my situation...