I also wrote a letter to my wife conveying my fears about her request for a change in routine and how we deal with the kids.
BB, remember your DB'ing and Sandi2's 37 Rules. Don't write her letters. Don't convey your "fears" to her about anything. Don't argue with her about her suggestions for changes in routine. All of these things are pressure and conflict at a time that she wants none of either. If she makes a suggestion, what is the harm in trying it for a while? If you try it and it doesn't work well, THEN you can talk to her about it (with emphasis on TALK to her versus writing a letter).
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My wife has rejected me a lot over the past couple of years and it has affected my confidence with activity suggestions in recent times.
That's a codependent statement if ever there was one! Why does your W rejecting you have anything to do with your confidence? I could understant it hurting your feelings, but when the actions of another affect us to the point that we can't function normally then that is a red flag that we have an unhealthy attachment to that person. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It's not what the title implies, it deals with the social and emotional issues that apparently "nice guys" have (including an unhealthy need to seek validation from others) and gives tips and techniques for finding happiness and contentment within yourself instead of through others.
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She's also rejected recent activities I've suggested while doing plenty that she's suggested so I've nicely highlighted these occurrences in the hope she'll see they're inconsistent with what she is asking of me.
Again, get back to DB'ing basics. Drop the scorecard, that'll do nothing but create resentment in your W.
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I've told her I feel we handle the kids behaviour differently and asked her both how she expects my daughter to act when she goes to bed and how she wants me to deal with substandard behaviour.
I understand that you want to involve your W in all these decisions, but like the others are telling you, sometimes you've just gotta man up and take some initiative. Your W is probably thinking that she wishes you would just take control of it instead of constantly wanting to debate her about every little choice.
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I figure if she tells me what she expects then I can't get in trouble.
Get over your fear of "getting in trouble" with her. Look, she's a WAS. She is just looking for reasons to hate you right now, that's what WAS's do. You've got to DETACH from her and LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Be strong, confident, independent. When you achieve that then she may start looking back at you.
