Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

Yeah I see what you're saying but it'll take a bit of time to wrap my head around it. I did ask to try and get in touch with her feelings directly rather than doing things the long way. I'll work on it.

She's been pretty cranky with me today. She did let me know she's thought I was being mopey and playing the "woe is me" card when I was actually processing her thoughts so I'll have to keep an eye out on that. I reread what she wrote to try and validate but it was a tough one. She explicitly said she didn't want lists of activities and I should "stop overthinking things and just do it". I validated where I could but she's rejected my ideas this past week so I told her I understood her wishes and reiterated that I can't do activities with her unless she's actually involved otherwise I'd be doing them by myself. This is anti-DB, I know, but I'm actually happy with what I do at home and don't need to go out and about just for something to do. I can entertain myself but apparently I need to entertain her too so I'll just go back to doing own thing and if there's an opportunity to include her I will.

She went out for lunch and asked me to make a pros and cons list about staying together. I was apprehensive about the idea but compiled the list anyway. She was in a better mood when she came home at least. I'll give her my list later and see how things go.

[MrBond]

" She explicitly said she didn't want lists of activities and I should "stop overthinking things and just do it"."

She wants YOU to lead. This is the same problem you were in before when you cheated on her. Rather than taking the lead before, you went to another woman because you felt you weren't getting your W's attention. Just take the lead and tell her what you are GOING to do and not what she thinks.

[Barrybran]

Ok, so I'm moving towns tomorrow then :p I understand what you're saying and it makes a lot of sense... just not with the woman I married. Sounds like I'm in for a trial and error period.

[Barrybran]

On that too, my wife told me today I knew what she was like when I married her and she's right. Unfortunately for her, she's asking me to be someone I'm not and she married me knowing what I was like too. I'm trying to keep an open mind about things but I'm also trying to understand who I am and what I enjoy as well as what my wife likes.

[Barrybran]

Thanks for everyone's help so far. Unfortunately, my wife tonight told me she wants to go back to our original plan to separate. I'm pretty devastated about it right now but I know I'll pick myself up and go back to the beginning. I know this stuff helps so I'm confident I'll get back to where I want to be but it looks like I've got a tough few days ahead of me.

[Lostforwords]

B-,

We keep telling you basically the same thing....Your wife keeps telling you basically the same thing. Yet you keep skipping around it and not addressing the issues. You say you are fine being the lonely stay at home dad, but you aren't. You are using that as a smoke screen to hide some big personal issues....One's your wife has pointed out, one's I have pointed out as well as MrBond.

1- You are mopey...Almost depressed like
2- You lack initiative
3- You procrastinate a ton
4- You look to your wife alone for fulfillment and happiness
5- You make excuses

I am not slamming you B....I am pointing out things that 3 different people are seeing in you. I know...Looking in the mirror is hard.I suggest reading a book...The way of the superior man. It is a little ragged on the edges, but overall the book is solid. I am reading it now and to tell you the honest truth, I think of you when I read it and how you NEED to read it.

Your wife loves you man, but she wants to see these changes. These are good changes and not "this is how I am" type things. You change those 5 things in you....I guarantee YOUR life will change. Not only your marriage.....but everything.

Now if you go with "This is the way I am"....Then things might get better. Now if I was a betting man I would go with that it would cause the end of your marriage, limit your professional development, and haunt your relationships down the road.

The answers aren't in another town or another woman....The answers are in the mirror B.

[AnotherStander]

I also wrote a letter to my wife conveying my fears about her request for a change in routine and how we deal with the kids.

BB, remember your DB'ing and Sandi2's 37 Rules. Don't write her letters. Don't convey your "fears" to her about anything. Don't argue with her about her suggestions for changes in routine. All of these things are pressure and conflict at a time that she wants none of either. If she makes a suggestion, what is the harm in trying it for a while? If you try it and it doesn't work well, THEN you can talk to her about it (with emphasis on TALK to her versus writing a letter).

My wife has rejected me a lot over the past couple of years and it has affected my confidence with activity suggestions in recent times.

That's a codependent statement if ever there was one! Why does your W rejecting you have anything to do with your confidence? I could understant it hurting your feelings, but when the actions of another affect us to the point that we can't function normally then that is a red flag that we have an unhealthy attachment to that person. Have you read No More Mister Nice Guy? It's not what the title implies, it deals with the social and emotional issues that apparently "nice guys" have (including an unhealthy need to seek validation from others) and gives tips and techniques for finding happiness and contentment within yourself instead of through others.

She's also rejected recent activities I've suggested while doing plenty that she's suggested so I've nicely highlighted these occurrences in the hope she'll see they're inconsistent with what she is asking of me.

Again, get back to DB'ing basics. Drop the scorecard, that'll do nothing but create resentment in your W.

I've told her I feel we handle the kids behaviour differently and asked her both how she expects my daughter to act when she goes to bed and how she wants me to deal with substandard behaviour.

I understand that you want to involve your W in all these decisions, but like the others are telling you, sometimes you've just gotta man up and take some initiative. Your W is probably thinking that she wishes you would just take control of it instead of constantly wanting to debate her about every little choice.

I figure if she tells me what she expects then I can't get in trouble.

Get over your fear of "getting in trouble" with her. Look, she's a WAS. She is just looking for reasons to hate you right now, that's what WAS's do. You've got to DETACH from her and LIVE YOUR OWN LIFE. Be strong, confident, independent. When you achieve that then she may start looking back at you.

[MrBond]

"Thanks for everyone's help so far. Unfortunately, my wife tonight told me she wants to go back to our original plan to separate."

Because you haven't changed. Start following what others are telling you.

[Barrybran]

I've been deep in thought for much of today about what everyone has said. My wife noticed, asked me what's up and had more to say. She basically agreed with LFW and said I was miserable at home. I don't feel miserable but I'd certainly rather have balance in my life.

I felt better this afternoon. Still largely in thought but I relaxed a little by listening to music while watering the lawn, enjoying dinner with my family outside, watching cricket on TV and looking for jobs.

Last night and today brought to the surface some issues I've had my entire life. I thought I was doing well but the things I did change were fairly easy things. I'll have a look for the book that LFW suggested and go from there.

When things cleared up in my mind I told my wife I'd like to continue having sex. When things started to come good we had discussed our situation and she said that a load had been lifted from her shoulders. This led to a dramatic increase in her libido and we started sneaking around like teenagers. At the time, I really had no expectations, left her alone and did my own thing and we had a great time. Yes, I will have to manage my feelings but I enjoy it, it's a confidence boost and it's something we can enjoy together. She didn't dismiss it, expressed her concerns about me detaching and said she'd get back to me.

Thanks for the insight again. Reading again I see a different perspective to what I had.

[Barrybran]

B-,
I suggest reading a book...The way of the superior man. It is a little ragged on the edges, but overall the book is solid. I am reading it now and to tell you the honest truth, I think of you when I read it and how you NEED to read it.

Just looking for it now. Is that the one by David Deida?