WANT TO COAST ON FLAT LAND

[Ambivalent]

This check was from another acct., so I don't know the deal on it. I really could care less right now... could be denial or just I'm at peace... I'm not too worried about anything getting cut off. I have enough stashed now that I'll be okay. The practical got pushed to the 29th, which I'm sort of glad.

Thanks for the heads up. I've dropped the rope, and it is liberating. I'm going to cut back down to my normal dosage of Zoloft, just to see if it is me, or the AD. This is the perfect time to try.

This has been a place of comfort, refuge, and support. Thank you and all that have been actively interacting. For those of you who haven't posted, give it a go. This is group therapy at the best price. I hope my cycles and my posts have helped others. I'm not disappearing , but I am focusing a bit elsewhere. I'm allowing a bit of joy to enter my life, enjoying time with what's left of my family, working out and setting more goals.

I have not cried in quite some time. I do at touching movies, and love shared by my peeps. I just don't cry over the death of my marriage anymore. Venting and allowing myself to feel has helped exponentially.

Research is one way I've coped with this traumatic time for me. I stepped back and began to log/journal events, along with cognitively being self-aware of my behavior/reactions . This allowed for some sanity in myself while the insanity I was thrust into played and is still playing out.

I researched areas where I thought I would benefit from growth. I stepped out of my zone of comfort and pushed myself to take risks, humbled myself, gave love unconditionally and still do.

I can only hope one day he will see what damage he reaped on our family, and forgive himself, grow... but most of all apologize to the two beautiful daughters we created. They deserved much more than this. They deserved to live life without the anxiety for which he has contributed to women who already have enough issues of their own with which to deal.

I am fortunate, for I have written accounts of our marital history. I have cards, letters, and documentation from experts that tell me my account was real. The rewritten version, the omitted version may be his perception... but not a reality.

I accept the responsibility for areas which may have been improved. I forgive the areas for which he needed to give and his humanity. We are two fallible beings, and we made it to 33 years, in a situation where the odds were against us. In a time, when people run for far less . I have memories that are precious, and golden. I have memories of hurt and pain. I have MEMORIES of loving.

[Ambivalent]

Yup , couldn't sleep all the way through. Today much to do...

Feed dogs

Eat

Continue painting room

Go in for the last time and keep appt. then collect all the stuff from my room. s I g h...

Get stuff in house, take daughter out for sushi

Friday night dance...

[Portia]

Amb,

You sound good.

I can remember when I dived into research about MLC. Partly because I could not make sense of what happened and partly because I felt that something had to have the answer to stop the pain and stop this from happening. And while the research helped in some ways, acceptance and time seemed to have been my biggest allies - well those and the awesome folks on this Board.

I can remember the point where I knew that I would be fine living without Skippy, when the crying finally stopped and when I smiled for real.

Life is not the same. But I do recognize that it is up to me to make it what I can. Sounds like you are there and working toward that goal.

On a practical note, do be careful when decreasing the AD. An abrupt, significant decrease can do maore harm than good.

Hugs to you!!

[Ambivalent]

Portia,

No need to worry about the AD. I've been on Zoloft for over nineteen years. I have been adjusting my dosage for years. I never had to go to 200mgs, during this wonderful time in my life.

I'm also looking forward to getting back to normal. Yes the board, or group therapy has been more than I could have imagined. I still feel some sadness, just not soul crushing pain. It is interesting, my youngest has gone through a change from all of this as well.

Her innocence and respect for her father has dissipated. She has been terribly hurt by his distancing, and erratic behavior. I can see a distant look in her eyes when she discusses him. I no longer see the mourning for what once was, but an acceptance of his imperfection and an unbelievable sadness for what he has caused.

He has no clue as to the damage he has caused, nor the continuation of pain and distance of where he has positioned himself with his daughter.

My oldest looks to him as a bail-out and a continuous source of revenue. She will not rock the boat nor bite his hand. Yes too many trite expressions... HA!

Anyhoo, yes I'm in a much better place. I think the holidays, in-laws behavior, H's behavior, the support of my estranged family and mostly the unconditional love of my youngest has shown me quite a bit.

I don't think I want to let him back in. Why? Well he and I have been together for over thirty years. There were times he wanted me to read a book or two on something he wanted to see changed. I did. When I purchased books or workbooks thinking we could try something or work on something, he would have NO use for them. Whether it was on romance, marriage, or the needs of our two beautiful daughters.

That shows me it was always about him. I don't want that EVER again. I may have blissfully gone on without coming to that if he hadn't run away from home.

Well the "gift" of time, and the introspection has made me assess something I may not have. I'm I happier that this happened? Gosh no! I now worry if my daughter will ever trust a man . Will she ever trust her father? Will either of my daughters stay in a marriage, or even allow themselves to get married?

Will they be irreparably damaged from his behavior?

With this I have some resentment. Why? Because I chose someone who was so damaged and selfish I contributed to their pain. To their possible future pain. THIS is something for which I will work on ,forgiving myself.

As I write this I'm feeling an ache in the pit of my stomach . Not as strong as previously, but it's still there. Oh well back to painting...

Thanks Portia. Thank you for stopping in. I still need a hug now and then.

[willbwell]

ambivalent, you know I have been reading along. Your posts have helped me so. I am grateful for this site as a place to vent, to seek knowledge.
I am finding too that I placed H and his needs much of the time before my own in our M.
I questioned my self just now reading your post....I would probably continue if he came back.
I always knew my h was selfish. came from a selfish family. all his sibs placed themselves first as did his own mother.but I still love him regardless.
It is the long term impact to our children that I have the hardest time with.
That h just wanted to 'move forward'(his words) without trying to fix.
So, I'll check in with you. post when you can.
I think you will be dancing with someone fabulous someday!

[AJM]

Interesting. I was having a conversation with some friends the other day about people in general. During the conversation it was interesting to hear how they thought of somebody else. I know both sides of the story, so I listened and I waited. And then I brought up the other side how that person saw it.

They were shocked. Couldn't fathom it.

It reminds me that all people are selfish. It's human nature. The question is how we deal with it, right?

Am, as for your daughters. I doubt a lifetime of loving those girls will go away in an instant. But it may be a while and it will certainly be different for them. That may not be a bad thing though. Be patient and have faith that your daughters will be ok and will have a good relationship with their dad one day. It happens


AJ

[Ambivalent]

WBW,

Thank you I'm flattered and touched. Yes it is something that will always be in my mind. I don't believe he was trying to be selfish, anymore than I was trying to not see improvement needed. It just was.

The biggest thing for me... knowing I'm going to be fine, and perhaps even better! I accept who I am, and I love to learn, so I won't stay stagnant.

I am making a choice to be happy, REALLY HAPPY. There are many years ahead of me. My father will be 87 soon, mom is 84. His mom lived to 110! And my maternal g-mom to 98 ! As long as I keep healthy, while working towards always improving upon myself, I'll be more than fine. Either way, he gives it a real try and I allow him the opportunity, or I choose to move on and keep growing... I'm going to be wonderful!

[Ambivalent]

I concur with the point of view about self interest. In marriage self interest is something which must be kept in check. It is a fine balance, a dance of sort.

I truly hope when it comes to our children he wakes up sooner than later. It matters not the age of the child when it comes to the love, care, and interest of a parent. No matter when, it is devastating and forms the child.

That is his issue now, I'm no longer the facilitator . I will share my love, give of myself, and love them without condition. That is my role , and now I can even be somewhat of a friend. Since they are in their twenties, my role as a parent is so different. MUCH more enjoyable .

Thanks for popping in both of you two!

[Ambivalent]

Goals for today:

Feed dogs

Shower

Eat

Continue working on Esthetician room. ( it is really pretty )

Talk to a new friend

Go to gym

Go to dance

Zoloft decrease is doing just fine. Feeling fine, the sun is shining and we're supposed to get more snow! YAY! I want to go sledding or x country skiing.

Think snow!

[Ambivalent]

Good Morning Fellow Buster's!

I'm coming down to the crunch on my room. Just some finishing touches and then I can move the equipment and supplies in. The gal is coming on Saturday by eleven o'clock. Can you say psyched?

Yesterday I got out in the snow! Whoop whoop! I went X country skiing. The snow was powder, and the air crisp. The view was bucolic and I only fell once. While on the snow covered ground, I found myself laughing at the picture in my minds eye.

Yes DB-er's LAUGHING! It felt awesome!

Much to do before eleven tomorrow... bust on!