Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

I wish I could say I've been handling this visit from MIL with patience and grace. Unfortunately I let my emotions take over and turned very mean toward H to vent my displeasure.

Fortunately I stopped myself from digging the hole any further and apologized. My H acknowledged the stress of his mom on us and forgave me.

It was a profound feeling for me to be able to make a mistake, apologize and get forgiveness after walking on egg shells for the past few months. I'm really proud of how my H handled the situation and how he's handling his moms visit. He's becoming a guy I really admire.

I won't see H's mom much since she's staying at H's during her visit. Perhaps just when shuttling our S back and forth between our houses to see her. She's been very weird the last 2 months and I don't understand what I ever did to set her off against me. I spent 2 weeks w/ her when S was born and another weekend after that. Now she's acting like she does not want me and H together. She booked this trip after H told her he spent Christmas at my house instead of having S at his place. Maybe she still thinks we are totally separated and I'm not allowing him to take the baby and she's here to force the issue. It's so frustrating to try and stay in good terms w/ my S's grandmother when she just doesn't want me in H's life all-of-a-sudden. Her buying duplicates of all the baby stuff we already have at my house and sending my S a present at both houses is sending a very odd message.

Anyways, not much I can do but lay low and stay upbeat until she heads out. No use trying to figure out heat she 'a thinking because as I've learned mind reading gets me no where.

[Confluences]

Sorry to hear that your MIL is being that way. You have a good opportunity to really build-up your H by telling him what you said in the 2nd sentence of the 2nd paragraph. Guys always, always love to hear encouraging/re-assuring words from their W on how they handled a situation or that you were proud of them for whatever reason.

You got to pick the right moment to say it but don't let that opportunity get away before too much time has past. He'll appreciate the re-assurance that you noticed how he reacted to your moment of anger.

As far as the MIL, you may want to speak to her about her issues or just let it ride. It's just kind of like....meh. Whatever.

Anyway, hang in there because you're making good strides right now.

[slow_it_down]

Hey Confluences, I did as you suggested and complimented him on how he's handling things this weekend.

We are almost out of the woods, as MIL departs tomorrow. I didn't see her at all this trip and only saw my H a handful of times when dropping off and picking up our son. Part of me is curious to hear what they talked about but more than anything I'd love to not talk about her or her trip at all after she goes. I'm not bringing her up unless he wants to talk about her and initiates.

In the meantime, I'm trying to bust myself out of the slump I've been in for the past few weeks or so. I've been feeling pretty depressed about things like work, kid stress, etc. So I started doing some career development and also cracked open my cookbooks to get back to learning how to cook (a 180 I put on hold when I got pregnant and couldn't stand the smell of most foods). The cooking is great because I'm feeling so much more confident, and it gives me and H something new to talk about. He loves to talk about cooking and things he's made. When he comes over tomorrow after his mom leaves there will be some interesting left overs in the fridge for a change.

I also snuck in a quick run this morning. It felt so good to get outside and workout. I'm really going to have to find some kid-free time to get running back in my schedule because it is a sanity-saver!

Lastly, I had a great weekend with my older kids. We even went ice skating and got in some deep belly laughs when I fell, almost on my face, trying not to run over my daughter. Falling as an adult hurts way more than I remember it hurting as a kid.

[Confluences]

The kitchen is always a good place to spend some quality time by doing a mutually beneficial activity of cooking a nice meal. You got to leverage that opportunity. I miss that a lot with me and my W, as we were good together in the kitchen.

Do you live on the West Coast or East Coast? For some reason I thought you lived in CA but I may be wrong. It's next to impossible to exercise here outside lately due to wet weather or extreme cold and I can feel it when anxiety starts to build in me. I do DVD plyometric workouts inside but it's not the same as getting outside.

Yeah, ice skating and falling....not for me. I'll stick with the mountain bike and kayak.

[NeedingMore]

HI Slow! Updates??

[slow_it_down]

Confluences, I'm on the east coast. Despite the weather I've been trying to get outside more, even when it's cold. I'm certainly getting more exercise shoveling snow than I ever dreamed of this year - ha ha.

Saturday my H texted me, "we need to talk about some things." Sunday he came over and acted like he had nothing to say. When I finally got him to talk he brought up the fact that he felt pushed away when I set his stuff on the counter to go home with him after I cleaned up the Christmas tree. I was annoyed that he didn't say something sooner and chose to carry around that feeling instead of asking me about it. I sent his presents and stuff home because our house is full with the addition of baby, but he has a big empty house were he lives. I said if he moves back we can talk about how to make his stuff fit then. I'm not open to him just sort of leaving things randomly.

He also brought up the way the MIL visit was handled. He said he doesn't understand how my feelings can sway so dramatically. I was literally on the verge of leaving him over this because it was a really big deal for me. I had to dig really deep to stop the downward spiral and apologize. My blood still boils thinking about it.

After our initial talk I left him alone with the baby and went upstairs to clean. We didn't talk for hours. After dinner I finally asked him what he wants and what he's planning. I said you've known me for enough years and we've been doing this limbo thing for months. I asked what he wants and what he's willing to sacrifice to get it. I also told him the things I need that are missing. Him showing up at 7pm and going to bed at 8 isn't a marriage. I told him I'm sick of eating dinner alone every night and need more companionship. I also said I need more help because I work too and it's not far that I have to do everything while he does whatever he wants.

He said he can't move in until we both feel like we aren't walking on egg shells. He said he'd be willing to be around more and help more if I can be more "mentally stable" and not change my mind so often.

I left the conversation feeling neither good nor bad about things. However on Monday when he asked about my day, I told him I was very stressed working from home with all 3 kids because of the holiday. Without being asked he showed up to help hold the baby while I cooked dinner and he ate with us. So it seems he heard me... So it's back to limbo as usual with things feeling fine between us but him being no closer to giving up his own place.

[Confluences]

I know the whole eggshells thing and that impasse where the tension builds because you don't know what to say. That's hard because I've been there and I would maybe suggest that you consider talking to him about reading some books together. Read them each on your own but the same books. The thing of it is some guys scoff at that stuff but if they're serious about trying to make it work, then why not ask and see what he says.

I'd ask him to discuss some topics that are of concern with him. Communication Gaps, Needs, whatever and then agree on some books to read and get 2 copies and you each read them. It's cheaper than therapy but it may be too soon to make those suggestions but you have had some tough conversations that take courage for fear of hearing something you don't want to hear.

It's a process. Look up "Getting Back Together" by Bettie Youngs and Masa Goetz. They have a great reference section and DB/DR are suggested readings.

Just remember don't reconcile too prematurely and be patient despite the feelings of one-sided workloads around the house.

It's cold as crap here so staying inside is kind of the default activity, which creates anxiety and stress too.

[NeedingMore]

Slow,
The way I see it, you have made some real progress. To think that you could have that conversation, letting your true feelings out, not some masked DBing feelings...and the fact that he didn't run is progress!! It may feel back to limbo, but remember that you are kicking butt! I feel that the "eggshells" comment is an excuse for something on his end. What? I don't know. Just stay positive. I know its hard! Things are all working out the way they are supposed to. You can be sure of that.

[slow_it_down]

Last night I got a sitter and took my H out for dinner for his birthday. It was a very nice end to a very stressful week. We even got to sleep in pretty late this morning which was AWESOME because I've been running on fumes.

On Thursday I got home very late after my train was severely delayed coming home. My H ran to the store and cooked a pretty elaborate dinner for me at 11 pm. It was very thoughtful.

It still amazes me how different things can feel in a matter of days, or sometimes hours. Life and relationships have a lot of ups and downs don't they? At the moment I'm enjoying this up .

[Confluences]

That all sounds positive. I'm sure the sleeping-in was the best part. It sounds to me like you should plan a monthly or bi-monthly date night + baby sitter to keep the positive energy flowing. Small victories are what keeps you from walking away. Keep us posted!