I have hired the best early childhood specialist in the state if not the region to help me co-parent and he assures me that D4 knows whats going on and knows who caused the change to happen.
He advised me, from the beginning, to make every moment count and that at that age you build bonds through structure. She wants to know "what the plan is" and she needs to know that she is loved and not abandoned.
Make plans and dont break promises
Being a every other weekend dad [censored] BUT use that time to build anticipation. Plan ahead, "lets go on a picnic next time I see you- what should we bring?" Plan it together and she will think about, and look forward to it, during the time you are apart. Ive taken train trips to Boston, gone to baseball games, gone to the beach......all using that method. Plan, anticipate, execute. Just be consistent.
MOST OF ALL- If you WANT to be a great dad...you will be- kids see/understand the effort.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
I remember when I first started the schedule with my first two, and XW1 had them from Monday through Wednesday afternoon, and by Tuesday, I thought I was going to die!
However, I soon learned quality time trumps quantity time - and whereas I was "with" them before, I'd be reading, or working on house, or whatever, so I wasn't really spending time with them. I just started getting all my stuff done when I didn't have them, and making sure they were my sole focus when I did.
This woman...has such a hold on me. I don't know how to break it. I remind myself of what she has done wrong, what she has done to hurt me, and that may not be the "healthiest" mental exercise to perform, but it's an effort just to break that hold. But those efforts and feelings are temporary and fleeting, and what I believe should be "right" always resurfaces.
She told me something last night, something that shouldn't bother me, but it's eating me up. It's eating me up because I haven't accepted that we're divorced, that we aren't a couple.
I don't know how to come to acceptance. Or maybe I just refuse to.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Hi PM... I TOTALLY understand. Just when I think I am "ok" and have accepted, and I am almost even excited..I begin to take another step forward... only to do so, and then put myself in tears again. That was me Yesterday. BUT, That was YESTERDAY... today I accept again.
The rollercoaster is not only the ride that they put us on, but the one that we choose to ride on our own. (if that makes any sense).
I think for me, acceptance started to creep in when I started wanting MORE for myself. Wanting a reciprocating love. Wanting unconditional love. Realizing that I deserve it. So, now I am holding out for THAT. I look at him, and "accept" that he is not quite there right now (not for me or anyone). Looking deep within myself realizing that I have self-worth helps. Listening to hypnotherapy CD's that boost MY ego... make me force and rise to acceptance. Maybe you could look into that? Might be worth a shot??
Good luck PM... (in the same boat)
M:46 H:49 T:20yrs myD:22 H distant summer/12 H sleeping in b'ment: Nov/12 BD: Dec 2/12 asked me begin to move end of Jan/13 moved Jan 7/13 (left my stuff) "agreed" to "working on r" Mar 3/13(lipservice!)
So I went to see the kids last night and spend some time with them. But I had an agenda with XW. We talked for a while. I said that these boundaries that we established...we need to stick to them.
She said that it had been two weeks and she thought that we were. I reminded her of the hugs and the talks and she realized and kinda nodded her head in agreement. I think the only boundary she really wanted to consistently stick to was the every other weekend one. When she's feeling down or vulnerable she wants support from me. She still wants to talk to me about her day.
So I was motivated because I know we're both tired of being stuck in this middle ground where I can't get what I need from her and she can't grow into the person she wants to be with me in the way.
So my entire premise was, let's stick to these boundaries - to a "T" - for four weeks, and then we can regroup and reassess. Let's just DO IT and go through it.
And she started to softly cry. She said that she knew it was probably a good idea, but that she misses me and she knows she is going to miss me.
I told her that I miss her too, and that I'm going to miss her. This isn't easy. I want to watch the TV show you've been telling me about. I want to give you a massage. I want you to come over to my place and hang out and watch this season's HIMYM. I want to hug. I want to cuddle. I want to have sex (she laughed). I want to talk to you. I want to spend time with you. I LIKE BEING WITH YOU, but I'm not getting what I want from you.
So yeah, this is going to suck, but let's just DO IT and go through it, because what we've been doing isn't working.
And if we go through this and we realize that we stop missing each other then we'll have our answer on moving on. And if we find we still miss each other, but you're starting to grow on your end, then maybe that says something.
But let's just do it for four weeks and reassess. Let's just give it a shot. I'll tell you right now that I don't like the arrangements. I told her about how I don't feel like I'm involved in the kids' day-to-day lives anymore, and I don't like it.
I told her how I'm not getting what I want from her, and she isn't growing into the person she wants to be, so let's just bite the bullet and give this a shot. Because neither one of us can go on like this forever.
She said she didn't think she would feel any different in 4 weeks, so I offered 6 or 8 or 12 and she said no, let's just do the 4 initially.
The kids come down to get a snack and so I lead the devotions from the kitchen table. XW is sitting on the far counter behind me. After devotions are over, I sent the kids upstairs to get ready for bed and went over to XW who is still sitting on the kitchen counter crying.
I ask her if she is okay and she says, "No - I'm just having a bad day."
Me: What happened? XW: Do you really want to know? Me: Of course. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't. XW: I'm friends with this guy at work and he told me today that he couldn't be friends with me anymore because he wants to be more than friends and I don't have feelings for him like that. Me: That sounds tough. How do you feel? XW: I thought we were friends, and he basically said to act like we don't know each other. I mean, I just need friends right now, and I thought he and I were friends, and it's just tough to lose one. And now you're basically telling me the same thing...that we can't be friends because you will always want more. It's just hard. Sorry. I probably shouldn't have told you that. Me: You don't need to be sorry. I'm sorry that you lost your friend and are having a tough day. XW: he's asked me out a few times and I keep telling him no, and finally he came to me today and said we couldn't be friends anymore because it was hurting him. But I just don't have feelings for him like that. I just thought he was my friend. Anyway, maybe I shouldn't have told you that. Me: I'm fine. Hey, I mean, we're divorced. You're certainly free to date and don't owe me anything. I understand.
I gave her a hug and told her it was going to be okay. I hugged all the kids and left.
One other thing she said to me while we were initially talking in the living room was that I DO basically have a higher bar to clear if we ever started dating again. She said that getting to the place where she could leave me, where she was done...it was so painful that she couldn't do it again, and she knows you have to take at least a little leap of faith when you start a relationship with someone, but with me she would have to be 100% sure because she couldn't endure that again.
So she's certainly scared I'll hurt her again. I think she's scared to let her guard down around me and allow the love that's pounding on the door to come out. To be truly vulnerable to me and trust me fully again...I don't know if she can get there. She's fighting it.
I will tell you that I played it cool, but I did NOT like hearing about guys hitting on her, even though she's turning them down. After two years of separation and 7 months of divorce it's still wired in my brain that she's MINE and I just wanted to go find this person and beat the tar out of him.
Obviously I won't. She's divorced and free to do whatever she wants, but those were my feelings and I'm being honest about them.
I think a relationship for her right now would be a band-aid and would get in her way of reaching her goal. I hope, not for my sake, but for her's, that she realizes that too.
I did ask her to better define what "being okay on her own" meant, and she said not depending on me to be happy. She said if we were to try dating again from scratch (and I interjected here and said, "Yes! From scratch.") she would need to be in that okay place. She said she felt all the pressure of trying to work on the marriage from God, from her friends, from everyone in the neighborhood, because of the kids or the finances or because it's the "right" thing to do...it was just too much.
I told her I didn't want to come together because she felt pressure from God or friends or kids or finances or what is "right" either. I told her I want her to want it...that's it.
I texted her about 30 minutes after I left:
"I love you and I'm so sorry you had a bad day. Losing a friend is tough - I know. It may be hard to do this, but take it as a compliment that any male that gets to know you ends up wanting more because they see how beautiful you are inside and out.
I encourage you to pray tonight. I know that sometimes it feels like God isn't there (trust me, I've felt that and it's awful), but He always is. He's always listening and He always cares and is seeking your best interests.
I pray for you every day. That you'll be okay and that you will find the peace you seek and deserve. I will always pray for you, no matter what.
You are NOT alone. And you WILL be okay.
You are an amazing woman, [XW]. Truly amazing.
I love you.
-[PM]"
Now, you can swing away with the 2x4's, but I wasn't DB'ing. I was PM'ing.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
On a positive note, I mentioned a therapist again and she seemed open to the idea. A friend of hers said that it has helped her immensely and she will probably go for the rest of her life.
I hope she pursues that route.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Being a every other weekend dad [censored] BUT use that time to build anticipation. Plan ahead, "lets go on a picnic next time I see you- what should we bring?" Plan it together and she will think about, and look forward to it, during the time you are apart. Ive taken train trips to Boston, gone to baseball games, gone to the beach......all using that method. Plan, anticipate, execute. Just be consistent.
Awesome advice!! I do this with S11 a lot and when I pick him up on Sundays he's already excited and talking about what we're going to do
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
I think for you to start your four weeks on a text like that is a great parting gift/note. Right now you don't have an R problem, you have a wife-trapped-in-her-own-head problem.
I remember when I finally pulled back for real as you have stated is your intention, my W got real angry about it, almost snippy - but it was her realizing she was losing me. When she found out through a mutual friend that some pretty girl that made $80k/year was asking about me, that was the final straw.
I'm sure you'll chuckle to think of me advocating patience with my track record, but it IS your name! Now, let W soak for these four weeks...
