Wow...your W has given a great gift here with tons of information as to her thought process and view of the marriage.
This is hard sometimes having to think on your feet and feel that you have to respond fast to placate W's angry texts. Did they require an immediate response? No. It is good to sit back and gather your thoughts. Then COME here for some feedback on the appropriate responses.
Let's dissect W's texts to give you some greater understanding on W's POV.
"Hotwheelsaust, I have just found you are internet dating. How dare you write to me about how you will stand for you marriage and vows and try to make me feel like I have no values. I will be contacting my solicitor this week to check you have signed and returned the agreement. I will be paying you nothing other than paying for the financial agreement.
W is calling out on what she perceives to be hypocrisy on your part. 1) Telling her that you are standing for the marriage while you are signed up on an online dating site 2) Scolding her about the OW (this gets to her main point about values). You are judging her. How dare you? That is her main thrust.
As for the payment, it looks like she does not want to pay you "alimony" to you or have to split assets with you. She does not have any facts to back this up since there's been no analysis of what assets you owe, joint debt, etc.
"Hotwheelsaust, I wasn't mad that you are internet dating as you are free to date and see anyone you want because we are separated. I was mad because you said you are standing for the marriage and vows. I know it is hard, lonely etc so I have no right to expect you not to date anyone. You don't seem to realise how bad things had become in our marriage and that it had become a form of abuse. I see a councilor and a pyshologist and im working through things with them. The thing you can do for me is sign and return the form to give me some financial freedom so I can make choices about where I may live next year. As it is now it puts me in limbo while you have the houses and assets and I don't have anything. Doing nothing just makes it harder on us both".
Do you really hear what W is telling you here? She is expressing disappointment that you've let her down with your "expressed" commitment to stand by her and M with the internet dating thing. She's really watching your actions for consistency. And she's not seeing that. Remember my advice about actions and words being congruent? That is what you really need to focus on going forward in your interactions with W and sons.
W is telling you that she felts that she tried to tell you that the marriage was going into the crapper and she felt unheard so she felt that she had no choice but to walk away. She's in a world of hurt and pain right now.
Breaking away from you is something that she needs to do at the moment to heal. She's acting on her own emotions. Just let her be and allow her the time & space to process her feelings, thoughts, and emotions about you and the marriage.
As for the financials, you do need to protect yourself by discussing options with your lawyer that is fair and reasonable to you. I'd review the options first before having your lawyer present them to W and her L.
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HWA, you responded to the first text:
'I sent a text back validating her anger. With some explanation on why I did it and I have no communication with her for so long that I simply have no idea about anything to do with our marriage anymore. I asked if we could talk. I replied (2 x 4's) with a fair amount of I care and I love you's.'
Remember validating does not equate with pursuing. You came across as pursuing by throwing in ILYs and care about yous. And explaining "stuff" just does not help at all. Oftentimes it just muddies the waters further.
Here's what I would suggest in responding to W's texts:
"W, thank you for sharing your thoughts about the marriage. I know it cannot be easy for you at all and it took tremendous courage on your part to do this. Wow, I didn't realize that you thought the marriage was a form of "abuse" to you. I appreciate you being so open and honest with me. To be clear, I do not want a divorce, but will not stand in your way. Let me get back to you later today/tomorrow on the form. Have a good day. HWA"
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What 'form' is W referring to here? With this information, we can brainstorm ideas here on how to go forward on it.
