Still Dating

[labug]

If I'm meeting people with similar interests, that doesn't often happen for me. I enjoy meeting new people one-on-one but it doesn't mean I want to spend a lot of time with them or become great friends. I'm open to that, I just don't try to "make" it happen.

If you ask most people to talk about themselves, and continue to ask questions about them, the silence goes away pretty rapidly.

There's a great TED talk, The Power of Introverts, have you seen it?

I may watch it again right now.

[planet]

Thank you for your answers.
Sounds like a good strategy!

There's a great TED talk, The Power of Introverts, have you seen it?

Going to watch it.

[bluesgal]

La-I've been reading through your older posts. Amazing the changes you've made. You said something early on about how your H is stubborn so it seemed unlikely he would change his mind and want back in the M. I think many of us feel that way. How did piecing your M come to happen with a stubborn spouse? How did he change his mind?

[labug]

I changed. (many things that had kept me unhappy for years)

He saw and felt that.

He wanted to try again.

I was open to that and agreed.

[labug]

Bottom line, BG, you change for you. Happy healthy people attract other happy, healthy people.

[RealityTrip]

Hey Bug! Saying hello!!! You are so generous to share your experiences and answer others questions so thoughtfully! You give everyone so much hope.

How are you? How is H doing? What's going on with you two "piecing" luvbugs lately?

[bluesgal]

Thanks bug!

[labug]

Hey Bug! Saying hello!!! You are so generous to share your experiences and answer others questions so thoughtfully! You give everyone so much hope.

How are you? How is H doing? What's going on with you two "piecing" luvbugs lately?

I liked your story from today-rang some bells.

It's been a bit tricky the last couple of days. H had to have that post 50 screening procedure that we all hate. He has always had trouble with these kinds of things, gets whiny, complains a lot, is defensive, questions everything.

I'm having a hard time honoring this Golden Rule from the sticky above: The third Golden Rule, "Listen to each other," reminds you about the importance of putting aside your commentaries, reactions, and defensiveness and just simply acknowledging your partner's point of view.

I'm in healthcare and while I'm empathetic, I'm also more of a "just do it and get it over with, no whining" kind of person. More so with family than professionally.

So he's hit some of my buttons over the last couple of days and I've had to remind myself to validate and not fix. None of this is about me.

I'm sure I've hit some of his, too.

I'm trying to keep the R at the top of my mind.

Those automatic responses just want to fly right out of my mouth.

[labug]

This continues to be an interesting, challenging experience.

I'm finding out much more about me and how much I really wanted to control H's emotional temperature. He gives a frustrated sigh and my antennae are up. He doesn't feel well, I want to jump in and advise or caretake. He responds in a way that is not happy, peppy and I'm wondering, "why does he sound unhappy?" (he doesn't actually sound UN-happy, just not cheery)

We visited MIL yesterday, she's 87 and lives alone. H is the only sib who lives here so he does what needs to be done. Yesterday they started getting tax stuff together and I just sat back and observed. MIL has very limited short term memory so she gets easily confused with things out of her daily routine, and steps need to be repeated often. But I kept my seat and allowed H to deal with it. Several times I wanted to say, "maybe it would be easier if..." or "How about trying..."

With the perspective I've gained I'm seeing and understand how controlling and fixing I was. I also see how I brought a lot of my own misery on me by inserting myself in the lives of others and then being stressed by their problems, resentful when they didn't do things the way I thought they should and hurt when they didn't meet my expectation of appreciation.

I guess honest self-reflection is also an ongoing thing.

I had my nose out-of-joint last evening by something I stepped right into. S24 is in Canada. He had a check he needed deposited here so he sent it. I deposited it for him. He also had some CDs he needed there (Rosetta Stone-guess he needs to learn to speak Canadian ) I asked H if he would handle sending the CD. He said he would. He got the customs form completed, that was a process and he grumbled but I stayed out of it.

Somehow, and I don't remember what happened, it didn't get mailed that day or the day after and guess who jumped up and said "Don't worry about it, I'll do it." Yeah, me.

Well, it fell off my priority list and didn't get mailed. So last night S24 msgs me and asks what happened with the check. I was concerned, my anxiety jumps up because I was certain I had deposited it but that was weeks 4 or 5 weeks ago. So I go looking for the deposit receipt and check stub while he checks his account again. Turns out the check was in his acct. (I mention this because it got my anxiety revved) Then S24 asks about the Rosetta Stone...and I wanted to slam H because he hadn't mailed it but really I'm the one who tried to save the day by taking the responsibility from him.

In the whole scheme of things, this isn't huge but I used to do this kind of blame-shifting all the time and I also took way too much responsibility for the kid/household stuff. Our sons don't need a lot at these ages, but they still come to me. It all felt very yucky and too familiar. I sat with H and told him that I recognize I do this to myself by trying to "save" people and I end up driving myself crazy. It also drives those I live with crazy.

I feel better this morning but I did wake up a few times last night with that anxiety. I can work on this and I will.

[bluesgal]

Good observations, Bug! I enjoy learning from your sitch. This is a lifelong education.