For what it's worth, I agree about Cal and the job. And, I think it was nice of you to make a deposit after how the girls treated you. I was unaware of their plan.
Smokey:
Oh, they had a plan? Cal is going to need to get student loans and grants. I am not financially responsible for her. No more money from me for her.
Now what? Do I just let it go? Or listen and validate? Or...???
I see what you're saying above Job. I'm back to trying to get oranges from the hardware store in terms of my expectations.
In better news, I got ANOTHER tech writing assignment today!!! That makes three!!!
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Heather, This is not a tit for tat game. You both should be responsible for the care and feeding of your children and that's why you need to have something in place for child support, as well as identifying what expenses your daughter has at college. This needs to be put down in writing legally.
You do realize that you are constantly justifying what you've done and spent to your h? You have to remember that he's out of the picture, so to speak, and doesn't care what you do or don't or spend at the moment. You are expecting him to have a heart and feel something for your situation...his empathy chip is broken and it's all about him. Drop your expectations of what you think he should be doing or not doing. The high level of expectations that you have are going to drive you insane, if not more angry w/your life and others around you.
Your D19 has to learn that money doesn't drop from the sky and things are getting tighter by the month. Yes, she should have had a job over the holidays to help w/her expenses. The ATM is only giving out $1.00 bills these days...so she is going to have to find a way to help supplement her funds and I think that once she finds something, she just might feel more empowered to be self sufficient as much as she can be at college.
Yes, I would most certainly thank he for letting you know what he's done. After all, many would not have been so kind as to deposit money into the account after being treated so rudely.
You truly are blessed in many ways and yet, you are too close to realize it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Me: I'm not sure what to say to that. I can see some of where you are coming from. Take care.
Yes. I'm tired of begging for each lil drop.
And, D19 needs a job.
I, first, however, need to get back to teaching. My last hour has been eaten up by this text and I'm going in circles. You're absolutely right Job. He isn't the one I need to talk to about expenses anymore. I need this outta my hands.
I may need to sell something to pay for the deposit for the attorney. I've thought about my wedding dress. There are other things I could sell.
Let me finish this math lesson and I will go from there.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
When you are done the class, come back and we'll brain storm a bit as to what you can sell or do.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I think you did very well when Smokey came to visit. You showed him that life went on and that you were tending to it - chickens and all.
Congrats on the assignments. I agree with job - don't let people sell you short. If you undervalue yourself, then others will follow.
Try not to beat yourself up so much, honey. Recognize your worth and recognize that we all have adjustments to make in our "new" lives. Thank H when he does something right - like paying the mortgage but leave the explanations.
Kids are a hard one. I don't have any, but I can remember being a teenager, as one of your Ds is and one almost there. There was no money from home for me to go to school, so I worked full time through uni. It's not unusual and let's face it, as a student, you are not picky about what kind of job you get. I met lots of friends and had some pocket money. I never grew up with that sense that I was entitled to be given my education by my parents, an attitude that is all too common now. A part-time job would be good for your daughter.
The thing I wanted to point out, is that teenagers generally have a rough time relating to their parents - even when those partents are together. And, if we are all a little more honest, there is always one parent who is closer than the other.
I believe that there is often an expectation upon separation of parents that fathers (some mothers, too of course) are all of a sudden going to become these dazzling parents just because they are forced to be in the same room or place with their children. My parents were together throughout my teenage years and if my dad and I had to spend forced time together, there may have been an apocalypse. When I went off to uni, I mostly talked to my mother, she relayed info to Dad. My dad never called me on his own, if I wanted to talk to him, I called him. That is just the way things were.
I am not in any way trying to minimize how the girls feel about their father leaving or not beign in touch. My point was simply to try to impart something that may help you managing your expectations about what should happen between them. What was the relationship like before?
I have probably explained that rather badly. But expecting someone to act like a superhero and to know how much he hurt them, especially someone who is obviously carrying on anyway, just disappoints everyone. No expectations is tremendously difficult. Lower expectations may be easier to manage.
Like I mentioned before, I have another tech writing assignment. I need some clarity on the amount I'm being paid. I was so thrilled to get some tech writing experience I didn't get this settled up front. I just asked and I'm waiting a response.
No response from Smokey--I guess I didn't really expect one. Still a lil sad he is back in the whole. At least he was talking. But, I put the end caps on the convo and it gave me the chance to finish what I was doing.
I thought about selling the wedding dress, but it's still too painful. It was a dress my mom bought for her wedding to my dad in 1961. It's Pricilla of Boston and means a lot to me.
-I ran to the store to pick up cereal. -I need to go get chicken food/straw. -4H is tonight and I want D11 to join again. I guess we could skip the first meeting. She has a big issue with how loud this group is and I don't blame her. I need to problem solve this because I want her to join. Not sure if I want her to join this group or another -Have another student at 4.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
There are so many feelings and issues wrapped up in his visits. The girls don't want anything to do with him. I guess this is their payback for the months and months he just dropped outta their lives.
The relationship before BD was challenging, but existed. With D19, there's always been issues because they are very much alike in personality. She has never felt heard by her dad. His addiction kept him at arm's length. He likes to scapegoat her because she has a tendency to open her mouth when she shouldn't and do stuff that draws attention--like her father. She, then, gets pummeled with judgment by him. He used her as his excuse for leaving when he moved out. She was too this or that...
He could never accept how teens are--sometimes belligerent and not always nice to their parents. He took it very personally--which is a bit ironic considering how he treats other people himself. Still, he was a dad when he lived here--a flawed dad, but still a dad.
His relationship with D11 was a good one. Of course she was 9 when he left and, now with so many months of him being completely gone from her life-with the occasional text--she really doesn't feel safe with him anymore.
I tried hard to tell him how he was pushing them away, but he, of course, didn't listen.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Just a quick post. Sorry about the craziness you're experiencing at the moment with Smokey. This stands to reason why detachment is so important and place the focus squarely on yourself & the girls.
As for clarity the range of tech writing, most experienced tech writers earn $47.00 per hour. Perhaps you can start at the $30.00 to $35.00 range as a starter. Then when you have more experience under your belt, then you can raise your hourly fee accordingly.
All the best with getting more assignments. I think there's a STC chapter in the Columbus area.
