Mediation and the realization........PartV

[RealityTrip]

Hey Spin, So I've been thinking... I'm not going to be in a "Spin" frame of mind... I'm going to challenge you.

In the meeting she said she hasnt taken them out because "she feels like a failure" but that "I think I have to because its been so long".

Ok. W is unsure of the decision and is honest that she feels like she backed herself into a corner. She was looking to you to rescue her from her own mistake.

The mediator asked if I thought that we could reunite and I again told her (as Ive stated all along) that I could still see a path where we could be together again but it would take alot of therapy, alot of rebuilding of trust and starting at the absolute beginning...perhaps just mtg for coffee for 20 minutes.

But the unknown is does W know you still feel this way? You have not been pursuing her.

The mediator then meets with her and I leave the room. It lasts about 10 minutes then Im asked to rejoin. The mediator then tells us that she knows several pro- marriage therapists that she could direct us too and that we should not be throwing away a 18 year relationship because of "standards that may be overly critical".

This indicates that in both of your private meetings with the mediator, they must have seen some commonality in the possibility of reconciliation.

My X is now staring at me to make a move, a gesture - I dont. SHE NEEDS TO BE THE ONE TO COME BACK.

You need her to be the one to come back. I think a lot of LBS's feel this way. It makes us more trusting that they really do love us... and all that jazz. We also need validation that they made the bigger mistake right? That one is hard for me to get past in my sitch.

She agrees - but then adds " MAYBE ILL JUST GO WITH YOU" ?????? WTF

She was asking again, more boldy this time, for you to throw her a life line. Remember that WAS's, especially those with OM/OW, are AFRAID that we will/could NEVER, forgive them.

Im giving it 60 days for her to take the next step.

Why 60 days? And why so dark?

If she does not,I will not allow myself to be any more a door mat then Ive been,

You have never been a door mat my dear! Strong, introspective, growing, and a great father... but never a door mat.

Reality may have caused the fog to lift a bit but I dont trust a damn thing she does or says.

^^^ and there you have it. This is what yo need to focus on. If you don't think you can ever come to a point where you can trust her again then why wait 60 days? Why wait for her to make another move?

When it comes down to it, IMO, W was scared and having second thoughts during mediation. She looked to you to see if you were having the same thoughts. She wanted to know if it was ok to be vulnerable with you.

Is it?