Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

Thanks LFW. Funny thing is, I've read enough situations to know that I deserve a 2x4 for the past few days. I had a bit of an epiphany since my last post that I may have been sucked into the good times more than I thought I had been and it's thrown me off now that I know what things could be like and what my wife has said since then.

The jobs. Here goes:

1) My wife. She's been living in this town on and off since she was 4. She has a strong support network of family and friends. She runs her own store as opposed to working for someone (she still has a boss but he's a regional manager as opposed to a direct in-store line manager). All of our kids started their lives here and our eldest has started school here. Her legs are buried knee deep here. Even if my wife and I separated, my kids would still be here so making things work here (living, not necessarily working) is priority number one.

2) I'm currently between the pride-tucking and still being reasonable about what I find. Our situation isn't so dire that I have to just take on anything but a lot of my confidence and security is attached to money (thanks, childhood-based psychology :p) and we're barely keeping our heads above water. I do have a policy that I don't want to screw people around and I'll only take a job if it makes sense for me. Eg. I LOVE my kids but they drive me insane so I'm not going to apply for a job at the local daycare centre.

As for the number of jobs, I'd say there are an average of less than one advertised per week in the local paper and rarely is it suitable work. I've applied for six full time positions in two years. It's not pretty...

3) Honestly, I don't think so. I mean, I can do it because I've done it before and 3-4 nights per week is a sweet deal compared to 3-4 weeks straight. I want to be home every night though.

4) It would have to be. I wouldn't do anything crazy if we were breaking even. A couple of the jobs I saw were trainee positions with less pay but they were for a council and those jobs are pretty appealing for future work propsects.

5) I think she could but it's whether she would and I honestly don't think that's an option despite what she's said recently.

6) Two paychecks aren't more important than having one parent home all the time. However, I'm going to be the parent who is home all the time and as I said earlier, I love my kids but if this experience has taught me anything, it's that I need balance. I HAVE to get out of the house. On top of that, even one shift a week at the local grocery store would take a huge load off us even though it's not a lot of money.

7) I haven't done a thorough budget breakdown but I'm good with numbers so I know roughly where we're at. We have enough to survive but we're in trouble if something major happens (car break down, etc.).

8) Yes, even a casual job would. One five-hour shift a week would even help.

9) I am a construction materials tester. Basically, I test earth materials for load-bearing properties. The nearest laboratories are two hours away and the teams are quite small (I've looked into them). I've also worked in hospitality before. There are a number of motels and a couple of pubs in town but again, it's who you know, not what you know.

[Lostforwords]

OK...So we have something to work with now.

1- As for family and history being the big tie to the town.....That is huge. Definitely a good reason to stay put. I live over 1000 miles from my closest relative and I would probably change that if I could. I would say that is a pro for staying.

2- You have to work on detaching your security to money. First, you will be seen by others as you are. Do you think that being attached to money would actually provide your wife with a few of you that includes security? Probably not. In her eyes she would probably see you as attached more to money than her or the family. I know, hard concept to grasp but money isn't the root of your security in her eyes....You are the route to her security.

3- You don't want to travel for work....Pro for staying.

4- Oh the magic eight ball of "If I take this job, it may eventually lead somewhere"....We don't predict the future, we live the present. Pro for staying....just cause-I moved for a lower paying job on precept that once I was licensed I would get a 20% raise....I got my license...No raise. Conclusion-The future is unpredictable...Don't gamble on it.

5- I think she stays because her family and friends provide a security net for her...a BIG pro for staying as the should provide the same to you IF you opened yourself up to it.

6- Pro for staying....Where you are now keeps you at home with the kids. HUGE IN MY BOOK. But you need to find some balance.

7- Toss up here....You need more money without breaking the integrity of your family structure.

8- We will get back to this

9- Hmmm....specialized position. I know this issue well. Is there any way you can turn this into a business in your town? I know there is a lot of specialties within material testing spectrum.....But it sounds like you are doing compaction testing.

First, I love hospitality work for DB....It makes you socialize. The pay [censored], but the balance and socializing is worth the wage differential. I will challenge you B.....Your wife is home, so go out and apply (face to face) to 5 places that don't currently list job openings for a 8-16 hour position. Whatever it is...Line cook, bartender, waiter....No excuses.

[Barrybran]

I didn't quite get there today. My wife and I both had to go into town so I waited for her and wound up waiting half the day. Not exactly plan A but I feel I did the right thing as she considers it a waste of fuel making two trips. The day turned out alright though but it was more chores and small talk while watching TV than anything electrifying.

My wife and I found six jobs advertised today of which none are suitable. I'm going to apply for one just to throw my hat into the ring but I'm not even close to having the qualifications/experience for the other five. See how we go anyway.

[Lostforwords]

B-,

You owe me 4 more my man....4 more. To be honest, go for the jobs whether you have the qualifications of not. When I was running a 15-20 employee department....I would look for people who had a desire to learn and work hard over people with the necessary job skills. I was criticized highly for that by the company board for about 6 months and then just like magic.....Those hirees became some of my best employees. It was a win/win.....an under qualified employee learned new skills and I had a hard worker staff member who wanted to get better. Some times it is harder to reteach a qualified person how you want the job done than teach a newbie how to do the job from scratch.

How does it hurt you to apply....45 minutes to prepare and submit the application? Maybe and hour or two for an interview? Heck...that is almost a short term gal'ing activity.

Now think about it from your wife's perspective....B is complaining about not enough money? B might be thinking of a job in another town or state? B doesn't feel he is good enough for these other jobs to even try? I wish B was doing more of his own thing? ....and there are many more questions I would be asking myself in her shoes.

So do you think this would help her trust you?

The funny thing with trust....is it isn't just about cheating. It is about all kinds of things and each builds on the other.....pull one out and the rest comes crashing down.

As for the waiting...it makes sense. No reason to waste gas.

[Barrybran]

Four of the six jobs are advertised by the local council and I've applied for three jobs with them previously and not even received a courtesy phone call. It's a bit of an eye opener when you think of country towns having greater standards with regards to courtesy. I'll stick with applying for the one job for now because I'm not even close to qualified for the others. The one I will apply for, I'm still underqualified but I'm close enough that if they don't have any decent candidates I can be brought in and taught.

As for the trust, I understand where you're coming from. It was only two months ago I came home from working away and I'm already looking into jobs outside of town again. I feel that my wife understands my reasoning but her saying that she doesn't know if she wants us to be an "us" hits home that I have to be more patient and see how life here plays out. Strangely though, my wife was looking at houses close to where the job I'd be applying for is. Go figure.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

It's 1:30am here and everyone is asleep here except for me. My 3yo daughter woke up and was crying loudly so I got up to see what was the matter. Instead of telling me she looks at me and continues to cry, waking up her sister. I am a caring father. I know my kids better than anyone, my wife included. I have a pretty good knack of telling when something is genuinely wrong (nightmares, aches/pains) and when they're acting up. I will listen to my kids when they need me however if I ask them to do something and I am ignored, my sympathy drops and I expect to be listened to. Even at 1:30am when you're half asleep. This may sound harsh but all three of my kids, even my 2yo, understand when I say "I can't hear you when you cry. Please stop so I can understand you." Lately, my daughter has been defiant.

Now, ignorance I can accept to a point. Once that point has been reached, I ignore her behavoiur and won't cooperate with her until her behaviour improves. It's come to a head mostly at bed time when she wants what she wants and I won't give in. I have my room, my kids have their rooms. Lately however, my wife has given in to all three of my kids and my daughter is taking advantage of it. I hate this with a passion. For me personally, what me or my wife says goes and I expect the other parent to support the decision making parent. It is a boundary to me to be overridden and lately, it's happened a lot and I do not like it. Problem is, my wife is stubborn as hell and I feel that I can't bring up any of this.

Don't get me wrong, there are things that I no doubt need to work on myself here. But I will NOT have my kids disrespect or ignore me. It is unacceptable. That's not to say that it won't happen but there are consequences to it not happening.

For now though, my daughter has won tonight and she's sleeping on the floor next to my wife. My wife has gone back to sleep and I'm the one sitting here typing this because I'm fuming over being disrespected.

[Barrybran]

Well, I did some reading on tantrums and everything I've done is the generally accepted way of doing things. I did find one article though which I may pitch to my wife to see how she feels. It was about giving my daughter the chance to determine her own bedtime. It will come with caveats (can't leave the room, can't leave her bed once she decides it's bed time) but it may make my daughter more cooperative at bed time. Who knows. I know when I was a kid I was often still awake at midnight despite an 8:30pm bedtime so I it's worth a shot.

I also wrote a letter to my wife conveying my fears about her request for a change in routine and how we deal with the kids. My wife has rejected me a lot over the past couple of years and it has affected my confidence with activity suggestions in recent times. She's also rejected recent activities I've suggested while doing plenty that she's suggested so I've nicely highlighted these occurrences in the hope she'll see they're inconsistent with what she is asking of me. If nothing else, I hope to at least get on her expectations better.

As far as the kids go, I've told her I feel we handle the kids behaviour differently and asked her both how she expects my daughter to act when she goes to bed and how she wants me to deal with substandard behaviour. I figure if she tells me what she expects then I can't get in trouble. Of course, that logic only works when women aren't involved :p Seriously though, I figure if I ask, we can get on the same team and we can move forward happier we've got each others backs and hopefully, with happier kids.

So now that it's 4am I might try and go back to bed. Only three hours until the munchkins are up again.

[Lostforwords]

B,

That is what I do with my kids (older of course)....they go their rooms at 9....but then can do their thing. The just have to be in their rooms....Most nights they are asleep by 9:30 LOL

[Barrybran]

So much for expressing my feelings to my wife. She implicitly said 'figure it out yourself' to my concerns about both the activities and my parenting.

[MrBond]

That's actually a good thing. She told you to "figure it out", so go ahead and come up with a plan with what to do. Be the leader in this case. If she doesn't like it, tell her that SHE told you to figure it out, so you did. Then tell her to back off.

Time to get your b@ll$ back from her back pocket.