Indigo, You do realize that your wife is still in the throes of replay? It's going to take quite a few months for her to work through that and the om is going to remain in the picture whether he's reconciled w/his wife or not. The telephone calls are something that you are either going to have to live with and ignore or confront her. However, just keep in mind, the more you say to her about them, the more she'll do it. Just like a spoiled little girl.
As for snooping, it's good to know what you are up against...but it can also frustrate you, make you angry and upset you. We try to encourage posters not to do it because it just doesn't help you...if anything it brings you down more and yes, discourages you.
Your situation will not improve for quite a while because you are right there, front and center, the eye of the MLC storm. It's crazy making and the only thing you can do is keep YOUR focus on YOU and Your daughter. Your grown teenager has to grow up on her time and in her own way. The question to you is this...what are you going to do about taking care of you and your daughter.
It may come to a point that you'll have to ask her to leave. Do not leave again. If she wants to play in the sandbox, then she will need to find her shovel and bucket elsewhere.
Just remember, you didn't break her, therefore you can't fix her, control her, shame her and/or manipulate her into doing what you think is best. It just won't work while she's in crisis.
Take care of yourself and your daughter. Leave your wife in God's hands.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know I probably should not have snooped, but I did and now I know. I can try to block it out and hope it goes away if I know for a fact it just over the phone. If I find it's physical bye bye time. I will not tolerate that in any way.
Man I remember two months ago being separated thinking this would be so much easier if I was home. Guess I was wrong. The hardest part is trying to be the new me with this enormous lie in the room the whole time. Being afraid to truly open up to my W and be in love.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I know it's not ideal, but if I piss W off all it's gonna do is push her right to the OM. I'm not gonna put up with this forever and trust me I'm not happy with myself for not telling W I know for a fact she is talking to him.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
Kinda funny last night. We were sitting on the couch and the OM texts her while phone is right in front of me. Like I said its under her BF's name. So I asked you're not gonna see what xxx wants? Obviously she did not open up the text in front of me. How is W that depressed and out of it that she can't even realize how obvious she makes it?
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
The secret to life is finding the balanced path between right and wrong...in all things you do. As in life, the posters above are giving you two options...on one side there is confronting her (and the negative response that will come with it) and on the other side of the path is totally ignoring it (very hard and pulls your self esteem down).
The middle path would be to do both....I suggest first making a date for yourself for direct confrontation......Say a month. If it is still going on....then address it. So for the next month ignore it, work on refinding your center (it is lost at the moment), and drop the occasional transparency idea. Now the twist is I suggest to stop snooping.....you know it is going on and that is all you need to know about. Content and frequency is irrelevant. If you push the transparency she will just move to another form of communication....so just the occasional nudge.
The secret to life is finding the balanced path between right and wrong...in all things you do. As in life, the posters above are giving you two options...on one side there is confronting her (and the negative response that will come with it) and on the other side of the path is totally ignoring it (very hard and pulls your self esteem down).
The middle path would be to do both....I suggest first making a date for yourself for direct confrontation......Say a month. If it is still going on....then address it. So for the next month ignore it, work on refinding your center (it is lost at the moment), and drop the occasional transparency idea. Now the twist is I suggest to stop snooping.....you know it is going on and that is all you need to know about. Content and frequency is irrelevant. If you push the transparency she will just move to another form of communication....so just the occasional nudge.
^^^Like.
To be honest indigo, I doubt you could do the non-confront thing for long anyway. I know I wouldn't, even if I could. To disrespectful for me.
Having said that, attempting to force them to drop the OP never seems to work well either. Even if if it does "work", is that real love?
I want my W to come back because she wants to, not because I bombed her A. Just seems like R may last longer that way.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
That's the hardest part of this. W is the one that asked me to come back home. So if she was sure enough about that decision knowing that it starts the 1 year of separation before she could file for D all over again why is she talking to OM all day every day? It makes no sense. If I'm truly the one she wants to be with why is it going on?
As stated above, confronting and demanding it stop is not going to accomplish anything positive. I want W to be with me because she loves me and wants to be. That is what kills me, I know my W loves me that's not even a question. Wow this sux. When W asked me to come home I was so excited to start a life with her like we never had. Now its worse than it ever was.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
W asked me to come home not the other way around. She kicked me out on 9/1/12. When I first got back home OM came up and she said he is back with W and they do not talk anymore at all. I do not know if they were ever physical while we were separated.
So there was never a need to set any boundaries because according to W there was nothing going on. The understanding when I was asked back was that we were giving our M another chance. I don't know how she thinks what she is doing is giving our M another chance.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
I officially cant take this anymore. W just texted and asked if I mind if she helps her friend with a project after work. I said sure ill take D to the mall so you can have peace and quiet at the house. She says nevermind dont worry about it. Obviously she is lying. Claims they were gonna go to a bar to do it across from where she works. I said fine thats ok. I'll know if she is lying tomorrow when I see that the text messages to OM stop during the time she is gone. They text every 5-10 minutes all day every day. So clearly if they stop during the time she is "helping her friend" I know who she was with.
So looks like tomorrow might be the day. I cannot go on like this. I am completely out of my mind right now. In such a state I dont even trust my own actions. I told her I have to stop by the post office on my way home which means I have to drive right by the place she claims she is going. Im literally affraid of myself right now.
separated since 9/01/13 M-31 W-36 D-4 Move back home 12/26/13 3 months of tough times Finally in a happy M
