HARDENED HEART CONTINUES 6 - 7 MONTHS OF REFLECTI

[25yearsmlc]

Wow,

amazing insight, 25. So much information, and so much of it makes clear sense.

I have always been a little confused about the term, stander. I thought it meant "waiting", or maybe I thought it meant "still trying". I just assumed once a person had moved on to the point of dating, the "standing" was all over and done with. Your explanation adds a lot of clarity.

I believe people tried to tell you SP, that moving on did not mean never looking back, or that you were stuck with either "waiting/standing" or "over and done with."

The truth is that the LBSer who lasts, is the one who learns to live with some ambiguity in their life.

Not everyone can handle the "be here Now" approach that letting go of our illusion of control, requires. We can't worry all the time about what is going to happen or where the R is going, nor can we keep on living in the past.

We have to take it day by day and work on OURSELVES without regard to what our spouse is doing, for some amount of time that is usually longer than we believe we can do it....


I have a question though. You mentioned that it would be a good idea to discuss dating with your children.


I don't think that is what I said or meant to say. to be clear, NO I would not INTRODUCE a child to anyone I dated, regardless of the child's age, --- UNTIL if and when

the new person is someone you are mostly (like 3/4??) sure you want to build something permanent with, you then introduce your d to the new person.

Don't wait til it's a done deal, before you bring them together. This is part of the building on the R...if they don't click, it's a deal breaker.

When the kids are older, like teenagers, if you want to date but were not sure how they'd feel, I'd just ask them IF they would be comfortable...I know some folks who honestly would prefer their widowed parents or divorced parents WOULD date but others want the remaining parent to solely focus on THEM, the kids, b/c they are...kids. But the widower/widows I know, have kids who would like them to meet someone, EVENTUALLY...

And they need to get along WELL w/the new person (not "okay" but well, like the kid wants her around, and visa versa)

or you are asking for more trouble...and yes it is possible to be a very decent step parent. I have seen it done well, and I've seen it done poorly.

My MC said that kids should have "reasonable veto power" when they meet the OP, but that "no parade of candidates should be hauled in front of the kids to audition as the new step parent, as it also makes the kids feel like they are auditioning for the step child role", which is not that appealing to kids, and if there are other kids on her side, be careful and put thought into it BEFORE things get too far.

My former BIL left my sister to find himself. Later, he chose to marry OW (whom HE describes as "high maintenance"). The OW he married does not like his children. Truly. He waited to introduce them until he had already decided to marry her and he had no problem with the fact that his new fiancee was not fond of his kids. Maybe HE is not fond of them?? All I know is that he compounded the wrongs of the divorce by then choosing someone who makes it clear that his children's happiness is simply NOT HIS Priority...

She's been over heard saying things like "Can't we dump them on your x?" and she doesn't like them opening HER refrigerator to get a drink (they are all over 21 and I mean, it's milk, and juice, not wine or liquor...her behavior is unforgivable really.

It has done some deep damage to each of his 3 kids. None of them are close to their dad, at all...

So I think that the veto power is crucial, but it needs to be firm & reasonable and done early enough in the R so if it's going to end b/c they are not going to work out, you don't drag it out..

Of course, if your d says "No I want you to date someone with red hair" and that's her REAL objection,
first dig deep enough to see if she's being silly or if she's still just hoping you and your ex reconcile OR if she simply wants all of your attention, you work on it...maybe you persuade her to care more about what really matters but you still give her the feeling of choice...

But if my children, any of them, OR if your d, SP, meets an OW of yours & she and the OW truly don't hit it off after a few weeks or months, I'd absolutely see the writing on the walls. I would think BEFORE I went much farther with a new person, and I would not be complacent and "just hope" it gets better on its' own. That complacency is dangerous in a marriage or family.


Truly, I don't understand people dating, let alone marrying, someone their kids did not LOVE...period. Bad enough to put the kid thru a bad marriage and divorce, only to bring in someone who only cares for the partner and does not want to be bothered by the child...or wants "her own".

Making sure the child knows that they reserve the right to reject, that they come first (at least until a marriage happens) and that what is happening in their lives, ( IF a marriage is coming), is the welcoming of another affirming adult into their lives...meaning, down the road if you and your x both meet and marry good people, (=people who are kind to your d)

rather than feeling threatened by OM who is good to your d, or your xw feeling bad about you meeting a great woman who loves your d,

you both should thank each other for choosing a new partner (step parent to your child) who really does treat them well.

Children who have two parents and two step parents, all of whom love the child, and positively reinforce things and encourage the child, can't be all bad. And it's not. (The alternative, is pretty darn bad.)

My niece got married last year, and the divorce of her parents (my closest brother and her mom) was the worst we had in our family. A full trial and witnesses testifying, the whole 9 yards...6 figures in legal bills, etc.

So, At the wedding, my brother touchingly thanked his 2nd wife for being such a great step mom to his d's, all the meals she made, the nights she stayed up with His daughters when they were sick, AND then he graciously toasted the step father for "being there when he could not" and for loving his daughters too...

It was Very touching, and classy...and something to emulate...??


Are you saying to literally say, "hey kids, what do you think about (parent) going out on some dates? If that is the case, at what age would you consider having this conversation? Obviously, we LBSers wouldn't have this conversation with a toddler, but what about a 5 yo., a 10 yo., etc?


I would not bring it up (unless you had met someone special...but not waiting til after things have gone too far to turn them around if there is a problem)

SP, in your sitch, I think the topic would naturally come up from your d, b/c your xw is dating. So at some point your d will probably ask you. Then you ask HER how she'd feel about it. And so on.

She may say she wants you all to yourself, and mean it...but that will change in time.
At some point she will prefer you have someone of your own, b/c she will want more freedom of her own.
IT's the natural process later on, when the kids start wanting to hang with their friends way more than time with their parents, so it'd be nice for THEM, to feel unburdened by worrying about their parents social life.

But again even if you are dating someone, your d does NOT need to know about that if it's something new in your life.

In regards to filing for Divorce, I think we all look to it in hopes that it will be that silver bullet. We just want to get the pain and hurt over with so we can move forward. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. If I had to it all over again, I would not have filed.

SIGH-- SP, it seemed you could not hear us. (Maybe you can assess that trait and see if you have it in other places in your life. I'm betting you do

Oh, and Your view that filing would bring any type of closure or stop the pain, is a common myth. Sad, but the process can't be speeded up by external situational changes (but they help get your mind off things now & then)

TIME will help you, and GAL...

Then again, by filing you seemed to gain some clarity, even if it's not the clarity you wanted, and maybe the clarity would c about b/c of actions you regret...which just means you need to Learn from mistakes.

When You file for divorce and the M ends, you'll always wonder what might have happened if you had taken different advice....

While we can play that regret game all day if we let ourselves, we should not.

We have to BE HERE NOW...not wallowing in our past mistakes and not catastrophizing about the future.


I feel the longer one can wait, the less emotion there will be. That will allow better decisions to be made, and it will be at a time where you will be better prepared to deal with the issues at hand.

Yes...well, I GAL and detached, and we were sep for over 2 years! So my time line was always a bit longer...

Good luck SP, and I hope this helps you both a little. We are all playing things by ear.

SP, next time a bunch of people seem to be saying the same thing and you find yourself still explaining, and still you are not convincing anyone to change their mind, even after 4 different ways of wording it,

look in the mirror and force yourself to STRONGLY consider the possibility of changing Your mind.
Good luck