One baby step at a time...

[2ndTimeHurt]

I think I'm gonna hold off a bit on my letter. I don't want her to see me emotional or reactive.

I'm definitely backing way off of this situation after today's fiasco.

She texted that she wanted to take our s3 swimming and that she wanted me to look after him on sat because she has plans(we all know plans means to feel special with om-that makes me wanna puke). I also have plans sat so I knew I needed to figure out a proper way to discuss this with her. I was with a good friend so I didn't respond right away plus I was trying to figure out how to say what I wanted to say. I get home a few hours later. She even called a few times and I didn't respond. I was still planning my words. Finally she texts and asks that I call her. Mind you it's probably only been 3 hours since her initial text. I call her and decide to wing it. Starts off pleasant enough. She says she off work at 7 and to drop s3 off at the pool for 7:30. I say ok. Then she asks why I didn't respond right away. I was stumped. All I could think of was the time she didnt respond to my text about s3 til the next morning(her phone was off for the first time in history-probably because she was with mr. Special) and the many times she waits hours upon hours or doesn't even reply back. So I just said I was mirroring her and didnt want to.... I get cut off and she starts getting really upset. Defending herself like crazy. Saying stuff like "I knew you did this on purpose" and "I didnt respond that one time because my phone was off" and "I always respond right away". I call bs but whatever. The call went on for a while like this. Just random relationship talk which she constantly contradicted. Ie. she said she knew I would change as soon as I found out about om(remember I was at her place the other day acting remarkably normal). I took the bait. I said how do you expect me to feel/act, I lost someone. She says if the roles were reversed she wouldn't be feeling/acting like me. Then a few breaths later tells me I'm not the only one in pain, she lost me too. And also that she is gonna go through the same pain when I meet ms. Special. Let me get this straight... Basically she doesn't get why I feel the way I do, but she does? I swear I'm going crazy.

What has prompted my anger to resurface is the many times she has said the last 7 months didn't matter, pretend like it never happened(she later said she didn't say that or mean that). The many times she has said that its the same thing over and over again, things haven't changed. That comment irks me because I respond that we rarely fought during our 7 month reconciliation(I take great pride in the work I put into myself for 2 years to change my negative behavior-I have successfully diffused many arguments and have become a validating machine). She then brings up something else. I should know better to engage in an argument. I just got to a breaking point when she said this comment, "you're the only person to make me feel like this!". That brought up so many emotions. I felt like such a failure. I was absolutely humiliated when she said that. I wanted to tell her that I won't accept being told these things. I know how f'd up she is though. The comments she makes verify this. Ie. she says I make her feel sh*tty, annoyed, irritated, depressed etc. I tell her I'm tired of making her feel like sh*t when my intentions are good. In her very next breath she'll say "if I'm so sick of you I wouldn't have invited you over for 3 hours the other day". YET she got upset with me because that was 3 hours she could've had alone time with him. YET she was the one who offered me food and invited me up to discuss nursery school options.

YIKES!!! This has to be proof that I need to show her unconditional compassion. Maybe even pity her. I swear she has bpd mixed with bi polar mixed with depression mixed with anxiety mixed with schizophrenia. Ok she's probably not all that but just hurt.

So basically my goal is to figure out when she's about to go crazy and DISENGAGE!!! I fear that disengaging will cause her to lash out so ill have to be prepared to calmly say that I feel myself becoming reactive, can we talk when I'm centered again. Hope this works.


Ill post something I'm grateful for to counter some of my negativity above.

I'm grateful that I have my son the majority of the time. I'm not sure how long this arrangement will last but I'll take it for as long as I can.

Ps. I think I need to update my sig