KdogGS' Journey Part Quattro

[Mimi00]

You've handled everything so well thus far. Just keep on keeping on K.

[KdogGS]

Thanks Mimi, I'm sorry for the developments in your situation as well. Seems like we're both very emotional today. I got the email from my lawyer while at work and had to go walk around for a half hour. I know I need some days to settle down.

[KdogGS]

Made an appointment with my lawyer for next Tuesday to discuss options. I thought it would be good to let everything settle down emotionally. I did shoot a business only email to the wife about dividing the auto insurance and about the car registration. We'll see what she says.

[KdogGS]

Hello fellow DB'ers, I'm looking for advice.

Wife sent over her proposed settlement. I don't want to respond with a counter proposal, but with a last resort letter. I KNOW THIS IS A LONGSHOT. I know chances are it will not have any impact. To feel that I did everything, I do want to send her a last letter through our attorneys to say something about starting a new relationship. I'm not looking for why this won't work, but if you were writing the letter, what sorts of things would you include and not include?

[Wonka]

KDogs,

Put down that pen, step away, and no one gets hurt.

Nope, nope. Writing letters to the WAS is ineffective because:

1) You cannot change their perspective
2) It just comes across as pressure with begging, pleading, reasoning, smacking on their head
3) It will set you back big time (remember the Ladder and Chutes game??)

You are acting out from frustration that there's no movement on W's part to reconsider D. Pull out that hot pink duct tape from your toolbox and wrap it around your mouth several times until you cannot blow a raspberry out of your mouth.

I can tell you this: In all of my time on the boards, I've NEVER, NEVER seen the WAS walk back in the LBS' arms after a letter was sent to them. In fact, it had the opposite effect.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You and your L do need to respond to W's proposed settlement. This is strictly a business transaction and you need to put on your business hat to negotiate what you want that is fair and equitable.

[Mimi00]

I understand how you're feeling K....wanting to give her one last shot to rethink at this crucial point. While I agree with what Wonka said, I know you're going to do what you feel is best.

I wrote a letter to my H the week of BD (several months ago), stating how I now had tools for a good marriage that I didn't have before and I know that deep down he knows we could make our M work etc...it unfortunately did not have the affect I wanted and I wrote it before I read other books w/ knowledge on a better way to go about it.

If you end up following through w/ your feelings on writing a letter, the only thing I can thing of is writing a letter similar to the one exampled in James Dobson's 'Love must be Tough'.

I would say, start off the letter saying you still feel differently about ending the R, but let that be the only brief mention of R, after that point (IMO) you have to show you understand her POV ( e.g. "I wish there was an alternative where we could start a new marriage, but I understand leaving is the only way for you to be happy....") and then wish her well in life (in order for it not to be the pressure and all the things Wonka listed...instead attempt to "Lift in cage door" for her to feel free, but at the same time she got that one last gem of hope of R from you for choose to revisit or stick to her guns).

I wouldn't write a long letter detailing the whys and hows... such as the 3 page letter I wrote my H, which after reading he kindly suggested I leave his sister home and make a 3 hr drive back home alone. That was a fun day *sarcasm* lol

I know things must be tough right now, I can only imagine how you are feeling during this stage in the process. I hope you're able to do some activities this weekend to take your mind away from this for at least a short time.

[KdogGS]

Thanks Mimi, that was helpful!

[KdogGS]

The letter would be included in the proposed settlement sent from me to her lawyer, it would be more along the lines of what Mimi outlined, not begging or pleading. A last resort letter to exhaust all opportunities prior to the divorce.

[labug]

Do what you gotta do but have no expectation.

You only have this one life.

[ancient warrior]

KdogGS,

I believe I know from my own journey what you want to do and why you want to do it.

I could be wrong, but you seem to be hoping for a eleventh hour reprieve. Perhaps sub consciously you expect a hail mary to dazzle her and stop the process.

In the 3rd month of my separation I wrote such a letter. An ownership mea culpa that sounded great to me. Other than to insinuate too little too late and actions speak louder than words, she was in no frame of mind to receive it as I had intended. So here I am 15 months later just trying to stay out of her way as she walks her path. In perfect hindsight my letter, while read, was not only too early but not the masterpiece I thought it was. It never got a direct reply and for all I can tell may have set me back.

Even earlier today after seeing MWD's FB post I thought about using her comments to frame an email to my wife. Second and third thoughts said no, it's like pursuit coming from me. From someone else maybe thought provoking, but not from me.

We haven't spoken for 10 months and except for an irregular out of the blue text or email which are cold and impersonal, there has been no contact. The next topic upcoming will be taxes. I do not initiate, only respond.

Who knows what is next. We are not legally divorced or separated and we don't live together. She is in CA and I am in HI. She knows where I am and how to contact me. In the meantime I GAL and respond when contacted kindly and with love and stay out of her way. She knows how I feel.

We have been together 30 years and married for 26. Known her for nearly 33.

We have a son slightly younger than you are. My thoughts to him would be take the high road, show grace. Be kind, yet handle like a business deal. This is the time to take care of you. Down the road you may be given the opportunity to get your closure and speak your heart, if you remain interested at the time. Then you can have your say and know you were heard.

Remain detached. Act as if. Be the man only a fool would leave. The divorce is only a piece of paper and there are many stories of re-engagement.

Most of the worse is over. You are doing fine and will get through this. All the best to you.