H asked to come over to see the kids for a few minutes to play in the snow. I told him that was ok. This was my first mistake of the day. It was not H's day to see the kids. Of course he swoops in and takes the kids to a better sledding place and he gets to be the fun daddy. It was my own fault because I have not been keeping my boundaries in place and now they mean nothing. So I was mad at myself about that.
Your H came over and took the kids to go do something fun, and you're mad about it? Why? Is it because you think he's upstaging you? I doubt the kids see it that way. Look at the upside, he's still doing daddy stuff with them (some WAH's out there abandon their kids completely) and he's taking some of the load off of you. Next time he takes them, go treat yourself to a mani/ pedi
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Then when H was here, he mentioned that he had made plans for himself and bil that were quite expensive. H had just given me a lecture last week about how we need to watch what we are spending, etc.
Now this is good reason to be upset. But...
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I pretty much lost it because I am so tired of his one sided criticisms.
You lost it as in yelling at him? I'm not going to 2x4 you, but will offer you this tidbit from DR- before saying or doing anything ask yourself two questions- what is my overall goal and is what I am about to say/ do putting me closer to that goal or moving me farther away? You can also use the same technique to evaluate your actions, did "losing it" help your sitch or make it worse? What could you have done differently that would change that for the better? No need to answer here, just think about it.
The bottom line is that my H does not add anything positive to my life.
This is a tough and important realization, 3. I don't want to speak for you, but I think we (as LBSs) tend to view our WASs as the people they used to be, or we want them to be, rather than the person they now are. And that is what we miss about them and what we want back.
I think it is great that you have a whole month of Sundays without H. It will give you (and your kids) a chance to try doing things as a family, but without H. Your kids are young enough that perhaps it will become their new normal. Either way, you will have more clarity on the situation, and therefore be better equipped to decide whether to continue family Sundays or just start switching off with your H.
Oh, I also wanted to clarify one thing. I didn't mean that you should never think about H or your sitch on your trip. I actually think that you might have a good opportunity to think about it with a little bit of distance, which will be really good. I just meant, don't let your sitch ruin your time away. Allow yourself to have fun and enjoy being in the moment. I know you will.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
3-I know you're struggling right now. I think M had some good points about how to view these bumps in the road. I know what you mean about reaching your limit of H crap. Sometimes the double standards take a toll.
I hope your flight isn't delayed. I know you will take time for yourself. I agree that a month of your Sundays off will be a good time for you to get some perspective. I continue a lot of those types of traditions for the kids, too. Unfortunately, there are days that I feel like I make these sacrifices so that my kids don't have to hurt but H gets to have no consequences for his behavior. Ugh..
BTW: What ever came of him wanting to move into his own apartment?
Thinking of you
Me:33 H:35 M: 12 years D-15 S-6 Bomb: 6-2013 OW: 11/2013 Kids and I moved out: 11/2013 when he continued to lie about affair Kids and I moved back in 12/2013 H moved out 2/2014
AS. Thank you so much for your advice and your questions. I love the 2x4s. They are needed right now.
Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
Your H came over and took the kids to go do something fun, and you're mad about it? Why? Is it because you think he's upstaging you? I doubt the kids see it that way. Look at the upside, he's still doing daddy stuff with them (some WAH's out there abandon their kids completely) and he's taking some of the load off of you. Next time he takes them, go treat yourself to a mani/ pedi
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I am not angry because H is upstaging me. I love that my H is actually spending quality time with ours kids because it was lacking the past two years. What bothers me is that H gets to do everything on his own terms. He has no problem rushing over to the house to take the kids to do something fun. Yet, when I asked for his help because S5 was sick a few weeks ago, he came over five hours after I asked for help. I would have understood if he was working, but he was at the gym and shopping at the mall.
You lost it as in yelling at him? I'm not going to 2x4 you, but will offer you this tidbit from DR- before saying or doing anything ask yourself two questions- what is my overall goal and is what I am about to say/ do putting me closer to that goal or moving me farther away? You can also use the same technique to evaluate your actions, did "losing it" help your sitch or make it worse? What could you have done differently that would change that for the better? No need to answer here, just think about it.
I did not yell at all. I just started crying and I hate crying because it makes me feel weak. I actually was pretty calm at first. I tried to explain that for the past couple of weeks I have been having a hard time because H is very critical. During the past week alone, he criticized my appearance, my spending habits, my parenting. I told him that it was difficult to be around him because he was constantly criticizing or lecturing me. Instead of listening to me, he immediately became defensive and told me that my feelings were wrong. At that point, I started to cry. I told my H that it was not about the money (despite the fact that his outing is costing more than what we spent on our entire honeymoon or the last five family vacations combined) but about the fact that he just yelled at me because we don't have any money and then he had no problem spending a LOT of money with no second thought. He is holding a double standard. This conversation lead to a larger R conversation. I really did not learn anything new. My H still wants a single life, his A, a friendship with me and his time with the kids. I just need to decide what I want.
I think that we needed to have a conversation. I don't know if it was the best timing, but it happened and I need to go from here. It was getting to the point that I preferred not to see or talk to my H at all. I feel like it was better to point out what was bothering me than just let the resentment build up and just walk away one day because I am totally feed up with H. I know that I cannot change my H, but figured I might as well put my feelings out there because it was obvious that he did not even realize that he was hurting me.
I wish that I could have had the conversation without crying. I think my H thinks that I am weak and completely unhappy because I cry. And I really am happy with all other aspects of my life. I love my job, my friends, my family and my boys. H is the only negative thing in my life right now.
Oh, I also wanted to clarify one thing. I didn't mean that you should never think about H or your sitch on your trip. I actually think that you might have a good opportunity to think about it with a little bit of distance, which will be really good. I just meant, don't let your sitch ruin your time away. Allow yourself to have fun and enjoy being in the moment. I know you will.
Thanks M. I do tend to allow myself to get consumed with my sitch and not enjoy being in the moment. I really appreciate the reminder because I will regret it if I dont enjoy every minute of this trip.
BTW: What ever came of him wanting to move into his own apartment?
Thinking of you
Thanks Blues. My H has not mentioned anything else about moving to his own apartment. I am sure that it is coming soon. Since he is going to be gone almost the entire month of February, he probably wont do anything between now and then. I guess we shall see.
My sweet S5 just put five envelopes into my luggage. Each envelope contains a picture that he drew for me. He has instructed me to open one envelope each night after I get into bed. He also packed a small stuffed Tinkerbell doll that the boys bought me for Christmas so that I dont have to sleep alone. I hope that my S5 always treats the important people in his life with so much love and compassion. My H could learn a lesson from him
M48 H50 M21 T26 S20 at college),S17,D15-cp, dev. delay- cogniv 5yrs old PA confirmed 7/2012 H separates 9/2012 H move home 2/13& 7/13 lasted 2weeks.ILYNILWY OW still in picture. h filed 10/13
Hi 3 if you can figure out how not to cry when being criticized or when your life is rewritten as nasty and negative I sure would like the secret.. I agree you feel weak and pathetic...but I can't not cry ..always been my problem.. how do you not cry...I'd love to know.. would make me feel strong if I knew I had that controlled.. lou
