Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[labug]

About the condoms, let it go. The "find" only has meaning if you give it meaning.

And as you said in your latest post, it doesn't move you closer to your goal.

[KGirl]

Today has been a tough day for me, probably because it's a day off of work and I don't have enough things to do besides think about the crappy state of things... and it's snowing so hard to go anywhere. Guess it's better to journal it out here than to cry and yell at H when he gets home.

I'm really struggling with this limbo state. Half the time I'm thinking "There's every reason to be positive! He hasn't taken any actual action yet, or moved out, and keeps coming home every night... there must be some doubt in his mind. I just need to be the best person I can be and stay positive." But then the other half of the time I'm angry at myself/him and thinking "Get real, K. He said it's over and has zero interest in working on things. Stop getting your hopes up and reading all these books and just start taking steps to move on with your life". I just got thrown into the latter state of mind when I logged into my online calendering and saw he was no longer sharing his calendar with me (which he never put anything in besides some work things that I probably shouldn't be seeing anyway, but still...)

How do I know when it's time to say enough is enough and actually move on with my life (move out, file for D myself, etc.)? Obviously there's no magic timeline or date and I'm only about a month into this, but did anyone else get to a point where they felt like they had left no stone unturned and needed to take action for themselves? What feelings/thoughts did you have that led you there?

[dingo]

Hi kgirl. I think about those things all the time. I have been in my situation for going on 8 mon the which most people here will say isn't near long enough. I think the question to ask yourself is are you really ready to move on or is it a tactic to win him back or take away the pain. If the answer is either of those then I wouldn't do anything. You can move on with 90% of your life while still married. The only thing you really can't do is look for someone else (I guess that's debatable too though). Are you in a spot where you can date someone else anyway?

It's difficult to do and I struggle with it every minute of every day but that's why this is such tough stuff. You will learn a lot about yourself and your weaknesses and will be a better person for it.

When you're ready, you'll know.

[artsy]

KG, I had this same convo with my IC today. He kept telling me I'll know when I know. I agree, in some ways you think it would be easier to just throw in the towel because at least you would know what the next steps are!!!

But, as dingo so rightly pointed out, it most likely would just be a tactic to take away the pain. I think we all so desperately want the pain to go away!!

My IC insists I will be a better person for having gone through this... I just wish we had a fast forward button!!

[KGirl]

You both are right. Getting the ball rolling myself would be a tactic to:
A) get him to realize what he's missing by not having me around
B) make it easier for myself. It's so hard coming home every day not knowing if today's "the day" that he is checking with a L, and to have to refrain from sharing my day with him, saying ILY, giving him a hug, avoiding anything that could cause resentment, etc. Like someone else mentioned in another thread, it's exhausting to be doing this day in and day out without any expectations or reciprocation.

But, you're right, there are many things I can do while still here. Right now H is in the kitchen struggling to figure out dinner since I made my own before he got home from work. Not out of spite, just figured "I'm hungry, and if H wasn't here I'd go ahead and eat right now, so that's what I will do."

[dingo]

With respect to the lawyer, you can't control what he does so don't worry about it. Easier said than done but it's all you can do.

With respect to the dinner, just make sure your actions don't come across as punishment or spiteful. Rather, make sure in your mind you aren't doing things for those reasons. You cannot control how your actions are perceived.

I can't tell you how lucky you are to have found this site so soon into your situation. Please please please take all the vets (of which I am not one :P) advice. It's also hard because a lot of it is counterintuitive but they know their business.

[TipAnna]

Just nothing. Shouldn't there be SOME kind of reaction?! WAS's are confusing especially if they don't actually "walk away"... just stay where they are but say they don't want to be married.

I know how you feel KGirl! Iam in the same boat as you, only my H told me he was having an affair and won't stop seeing her..

My advice would be to try and take the focus off of him, continue doing things for yourself and don't read into his words/actions too much. Continue with the 180's, LRT, GAL, and in the end YOU will feel better..

As a newbie myself, I know it's harder to do than read/say it but we must have hope ..

I will definitely keep tabs on you!

[KGirl]

Ugh. I definitely pursued today and got smacked (emotionally, not physically, don't worry). I knew I probably shouldn't but I guess I just couldn't help myself...
Texted H this morning(paraphrasing here) that I was having a lot of racy dreams lately and wondering if he'd be interested in hooking up tonight. No answer all day. Come home, first thing out of H's mouth is "are you going to the grocery store tonight?" So I have to say..
Me: I don't know... are you going to answer my text? A simple yes or no is fine, I was just curious.
H: I don't know. I've been thinking about it
*not sure what "it" is.. my text? us? who knows*
Me: Do you want to talk about it? I'm happy to listen.
H: I don't understand why you'd want to do it.
*that is definitely referring to my text..*
Me: Well... I'm still attracted to you and the urge just doesn't go away...
H: Where was that 2 years ago?
Me: I know, I wasn't good about that in the past. I realize that now and if you'd give me a chance to show you..
H: We've already talked about this. There's nothing more to talk about.
*pause*
Me: OK, fine. Yes, I'm going to the store.
H asks if I can get him a loaf of bread...
WT*..? What I would like to say is "If you're so 'done' then why don't you get your *** in gear and serve me some D papers? What the heck are you doing still here and still talking to me and being nice? and asking me to get you bread?"
So now I just feel like crap being reminded that he's "done". I REALLY need to figure out how to not think about him or wanting to involve him in my life and just ignore him and think about me. Hard when he keeps asking me things like "were you making anything for dinner?" or "are you going to the store tonight?" I kinda want him to just go away and leave me alone.

[KGirl]

Thinking on it more... I think it's hard for me to stop pursuing because I have this fear that if I do really act as if I'm "leting go" (which I'm not sure what that would look like beyond trying to avoid him and be gone from the house as much as possible) then he'll think "See, I knew she didn't really care, now it's obvious. We're more like roommates now than ever" - one of his complaints is that we were more like roommates than H/W. Is this an unfounded fear? I know it's counterintuitive but I could see all of this detaching/GAL as totally backfiring and just fueling his "we're not connected, like I thought" fire.

[dingo]

It might but pursuing someone that treats you like dogshit makes you look desperate and causes them to lose respect for you and those is definitely not attractive. By standing up for yourself you appear confident and secure and that is attractive.

It is so hard and I still struggle with it with every interaction but you cannot accept the table scraps. It's been said a million and one times on these forums. People want what they can't have and people value what they have to work for and devalue things that are given freely. It's counterintuitive and reverse psychology and feels like you're playing a game. Remember though, the real purpose is to protect yourself.

I got all the same lines about not being intimate enough (my wife stopped taking her BC pills and decided not to tell me for a few months so there was a period of no sex). I got the 'we are best friends but not lovers' line too. WWhat I think that means is that the WAS is confusing real companion love for exciting new love. I did everything I could to change that. She wasn't at all interested and all it did was push her further away.