Well after talking to my sponsor (I am in a Debtors anonymous program) and researching and realizing and looking back at my relationship... I was in an abusive relationship I believe and my sponsor who knows my wife believes that too My wife was abused when she was little, her father will beat her and her brothers and did really awfull things to her. everytime we had a fight she will insult me, she will make fun of me on front of her family and when I approached her she will say: I was joking, sorry about it if you don't tell me I don't know how much that hurts you.... but again in not a long time she will do the same, she will flirt with guys on my face and if I told her something about it she will justify that and say that basically she was a flirting girl and needed to have that. She told me she could not love me unconditionally that she has to love with conditions, she never trusted me no matter what and all the problems in 4 1/2 years they were always my fault, she said she had a couple of things to change but nothing really important but I had a lot of work to do... Because she told me I had to go to Debtors anonymous I ended going, she recommended me therapy all the time and basically I had put my goals and dreams on hold because of this relationship. I have issues I am not saying I don't, but now that I see that it wasn't all my fault and that basically she is running away the same way she did run away from her house and stopped talking to her father. she is looking to live the fake life of being an actress, while we were together she would complain and feel bad she wasn't an actress....but she never tried, she would not go to auditions or anything related to acting but she wanted to be an actress...that's why I was moving forward and nor realizing that she couldn't commit to nothing that will treaten her non real dream.... She always kept resentment because when we started together I didn't made enough money to pay my part of the expenses and she had to put a bigger part into paying expenses. Basically I can see that she was inmature and sometimes while not always her abusive behavior will come up... when we went to visit her family she would get nuts with them for no reason, and in our way home she will always say how it didn't help her to see her family. I was always blamed for that, even when I would plan to take a day off with her, she would agree and the day before she would change plans to do what she wanted to do not caring if that was making me feel bad. I am saying this and I am also taking my part on this, there are many things I have to work on, and I will, obviously you cant work on a relationship by yourself and now I see how this is exactly what I did, everytime I will approach her to talk about future she will refuse, being vague or directly getting crazy with me about it, and she said she wouldn't talk about it because of me, either she will acusse me of inmature, or many other bad things, but again always it was my fault. She never tought she has thinks to work on, she kept acussing of her miserable life, either me, or her father, or her mom or family... We had a car accident, a car hit us from behind in the highway and instead of asking if I was fine, she basically blame me for it saying that it was my fault and she could not arrive to the city on time to meet her friends for a girls night out, because yes she will always have girls nights out but I was never invited.
One thing I could never understand whas this: we will go see her brother who is 13 years old, the kid was literaly a mess of agresivity, insults or bad manners, I will tell him , hey its not cool to insult like that or kick, and right away she would shut me off and say that I could not talk to him like that, and that I was trying to compete with his brother for love.... She would take decisions without ask me about it, she would bring her brother to my house for a week without ask me if I was ok with that( I was ok with that, just wanted to be ask first)
So now I feel with hope, and happier and like I don't have to carry that weight on my shoulders, I have to work on my issues, but we cant be in a relationship, the only way would be if she goes to therapy and works on that trauma she has.
I have to give up on this, at least today and since yesterday I feel happier and free and more release because I always tough everything was my fault.
When the student its ready, the teacher will appear... Even after all this time the sun never says to the Earth, "You owe me." Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky.
