Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part VI)

[AnotherStander]

I forgot to mention that the lymphedema may require that she wear a compression sleeve for the rest of her life. That contributed to the crying session too, that this and the hearing problems are permanent, not things that can be cured.

[2ndTimeHurt]

That really s*cks to hear. I know what you mean about "feeling" for your wife. People like us, people who actually give a damn; it's so painful for us when we see the ones we care about hurting.

I've followed a lot of your posts and I can't believe how spot on you are. It's all stuff I've witnessed during our first break up, but it's refreshing to hear someone else say it again. I know you'll figure something out regarding your sitch.

You remind me a lot of this other "older" guy that helped me out on a another forum during my first break up. I really respect the wisdom of people much older than myself.

[stilllookingup]

It just absolutely broke my heart. After she left I went to take a shower and just broke down crying for the first time in... I don't even know, probably a year. I cried because I hate to see her in pain, because she shouldn't have to choose between physical therapy and a hearing aid, because she's too young to even have that kind of stuff on her radar, because I want to help her but she doesn't want me to. Oh man this is tough, I can GAL and have PMA and be independent and have my own life but I clearly will never be able to just turn off my feelings for her. I hurt for her.

I'm really sorry to hear this. I really don't have any clever thing to say but it just breaks my heart hearing this from somebody so strong and inspiration on this board.

[Lifes Twists]

I am really sorry to hear your W is going through this. My W was in the hospital for most of this past September. She had to have a foot of her small / large intestine removed and had complication. I made a point of bring at least one of our children by everyday. She asked me why I bothered. I told her that when I was in the hospital and I never saw the kids or barely her that I felt alone in the world. I also felt that the kids needed to see how family members supported each other in tough times. I also cried and prayed a lot for her.

I don't think you will ever be able to turn off your feelings for her. Showing that you care and are concerned in front of your children will go a long ways. Set the best example you can for them regardless of what the W does. You will be comfortable with yourself for doing the right thing.

[AnotherStander]

W went to the doctor yesterday and it's confirmed that she does have lymphedema and will need to wear a compression sleeve day and night for the rest of her life. D17 told me this late last night, she said W was very upset and crying over the realization that this isn't something that will just go away, and that she felt really unattractive. I called W and told her I was sorry to hear the prognosis, but incredibly she just threw the wall-of-ice right up in my face. Very cold and indifferent when discussing it with me. I just will never get used to how she will totally spill her emotions to others even if she just met them in the bleachers at a ball game, but to me it's all the ice queen treatment. Anyway, I asked her a bunch of questions- the sleeve she wears during the day is kind of like a panty hose thing but the one she wears at night is a large tube that she says is 12" in diameter. She is in stage 1 of this, stage 3 is "lymphostatic elephantiasis" and you can probably infer from that name what it looks like. If she keeps wearing the sleeve it will supposedly stay in stage 1. I just offered her support and validation as much as I could, but it was not warmly received. That's OK, such is life with a WAS.

People like us, people who actually give a damn; it's so painful for us when we see the ones we care about hurting.

It really is painful. It doesn't help that she is so damned cold towards me when I'm trying to reach out to her too. It's not like I'm trying to reconcile, I'm just trying to offer friendly support like I would to anyone I know. But her attitude makes it feel like I'm doing something wrong, not sure that statement would make sense to anyone but a LBS, LOL!

I've followed a lot of your posts and I can't believe how spot on you are. It's all stuff I've witnessed during our first break up, but it's refreshing to hear someone else say it again. I know you'll figure something out regarding your sitch.

Thank you, that's kind of you, I appreciate it

You remind me a lot of this other "older" guy that helped me out on a another forum during my first break up. I really respect the wisdom of people much older than myself.

Thanks again, I'm flattered!

I'm really sorry to hear this. I really don't have any clever thing to say but it just breaks my heart hearing this from somebody so strong and inspiration on this board.

Thank you!

My W was in the hospital for most of this past September. She had to have a foot of her small / large intestine removed and had complication.

Oh my gosh! Does she have Crohn's Disease or Colitis maybe?

I made a point of bring at least one of our children by everyday. She asked me why I bothered. I told her that when I was in the hospital and I never saw the kids or barely her that I felt alone in the world. I also felt that the kids needed to see how family members supported each other in tough times. I also cried and prayed a lot for her.

That is really amazing of you! I have a friend who divorced her abusive H many years ago and he still goes out of his way to make her life as miserable as possible. If she were in the hospital he would not only keep the kids away, but would tell her she was getting just what she deserved in whatever ailment put her there. There are a lot of people like that out there. It amazes me how DB'ing people are just the opposite- they are warm, caring, passionate people and it is astonishing to me that their spouses can't see it.

I don't think you will ever be able to turn off your feelings for her. Showing that you care and are concerned in front of your children will go a long ways. Set the best example you can for them regardless of what the W does. You will be comfortable with yourself for doing the right thing.

Wise words!

[bustingout]

I'm very sorry to hear about your wife, AS. And also sorry that your kindness and compassion was received with ice. It is uncanny how even 'normaL' offerings of kindness are taken so coldly by the WAS.

Keep being authentic AS- you are a good man

[AnotherStander]

W came by last night to drop off a tuition check for D19. She had her temporary sleeve on and wow, it's huge. It looked like some kind of lining (cotton maybe) wrapped tightly with that putty-colored bandage material. It extended from high on her shoulder all the way down to her fingers and was even wrapped around each finger. I was so stunned looking at it that I didn't even know what to say. I managed to eke out a couple of questions about if it hurts (a little) and if it inhibits her mobility (yes, can barely bend at the elbow or use her fingers), how long she has to wear it (3 weeks) and if it ever comes off (only during physical therapy). She didn't stay long and after she left I felt bad for not offering any emotional support for what has got to be a major change for her. This morning I sent her this email:

"Thanks for the check, I'll deposit it at lunch and I should be able to pay the tuition by this afternoon.

I'm so sorry that you have to wear that compression sleeve, it really breaks my heart that you've had to go through so much with the cancer. (D17) said that the sleeve makes you feel ugly, but your beauty has always come from within and isn't just about looks so I hope the sleeve doesn't make you feel down for long. I'm sure your mobility will be better once they remove the temporary wrap you have on now, but let me know if there's anything you need help with while you're having to wear the temporary one. I'm sure it makes even simple tasks more complicated, so I'll be happy to help if you need anything."

I doubt it'll get a response and I don't expect it, but I felt like I needed to say SOMETHING to her.

I'm very sorry to hear about your wife, AS. And also sorry that your kindness and compassion was received with ice. It is uncanny how even 'normaL' offerings of kindness are taken so coldly by the WAS.

Keep being authentic AS- you are a good man

Thank you for stopping by Busting, and for the great encouragement

[dingo]

Wow AS - i am so sorry to hear the news about your wife. I think its just amazing how you keep up a loving persona in the face of all that coldness. You have been very supportive of me in my situation and I wanted to come by and let you know that I am reading your thread as well. While I don't have much advice to offer, I do truly wish the best for you and your family.

Hang in there man!!

[artsy]

AS, you are most definitely the definition of Grace. You are inspirational, for sure. Sorry you are going through this.

[Am I Too Late]

You said exactly the right words to your W, plus you also have the true conviction and empathy behind those words to back them up.

You are wise to not expect a response, yet if you still have feelings as you obviously do, you always will have a glimmer of hope.

She may someday realize how lucky she still is to have you in her life to any extent.

Prayers for you and your Wife.

AITL