separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[paul19510]

Hi Bug, thanks for looking in on me. The old thread just locked. so here's another thread..

I'm so glad you are her with us during this time. No she didn't say that she'd have accepted anybody else's help but mine.... When I offered to leave after startling her, she said "..NO! that's not it. please just call or text next time. don't walk up on my like that. You scared me...there's nothing out here and I'm in my own thoughts so I'm not expecting people to walk up..." I did offer help since she was done last night with this morning's chores due to -15 wind chills. She said "....thanks, I'll call you if I need it..." that's a no. I just need to step back.

This morning, I used my energy for me and my kids. I shoveled the driveway before dawn, went to the gym to stay healthy and went to Walmart for snow day treats. Our schools are closed again. I avoided driving past the barn on my way to the store. I went another way. baby steps....

I do think now that part of me wanted to see her and part of me wanted to show her that I would like to partner with her. So, that is an expectation of some kind. It wasn't horrible, but it doesn't help things either. We're not having crying sessions of fights or stalking or anything like that. Just me, coming around and asking to help or offering to drink coffee. I guess even that is too much in this situation. I need to pull away.

I see people who do converse with the Spouse during this time. but I am not seeing her initiate anything due to my impatience. A week or two is really nothing in these circumstances as I have come to see.

on the GAL front, I've gotten a ton of new friends with hockey and me and S12 and D13 are out and about 5 nights or more each week. I have a tournament for S12 in Niagara Falls over Valentine's day weekend. I called back to the lady I met about the free massage and arranged to have a 30 minute massage at the local gym sometime next week. I really think that helps with stress and I enjoyed her company. She said she really enjoys talking with me too. I am making new friends at the gym and attending workout classes call HITT training Tuesday and Thursday. Mon, Wed, Fri I lift, stretch and tread mill. My body is beginning to transform and get back in shape and my mind is clearer.

I know that all of these things are helping. Without them, I would be in a much darker place. Still I miss who W once was. The person I saw last night was not that person. I am uncertain if she kept me on the phone for any reason when I called her back or if I'm just reading into it. She saw a positive me during our interactions last nigh. So, I guess that counts for something.

one other note, an old friend from the horse world called for W again last night. She keeps calling our home phone. I told her it was best to call W's cell from now on that that Peg had asked to take time apart. Peg has not told some people and this person did not know. I asked her to not say anything in this case. I told her that I also enjoyed her friendship and that of her late H and that I hope to continue with that in the future come what may. She agreed. I am not going to lie about being separated.

Also this friend was calling to see about Peg taking her mini horses due to H passing and not being able to afford them anymore on her SS check each month. I felt it was important that she understood that this path might not be doable at the moment as we are currently stretched. She had another couple that wanted them anyway and was going to tell W that.

[artsy]

Paul- for what it's worth, I do think it was ant least a baby step positive that she made idle chit- chat on the phone. She totally could have cut the convo short, but she didn't. Accept it as a baby step and BACK OFF!!! :)I'm willing to bet she'll start to wonder where you went...

We've been in this for the same short amount of time, but I'm unusually good at predicting behavior (I like to lie to myself sometimes, though...)

[paul19510]

Hi labug, I have a question about an item you helpednme with. You asked if my spouse felt. "Safe " that she felt heard. Is it fair to tell my W that I understand this and that it is anooint of growth? Or do my actions in future just speak for themselves. Its kind of a big thing to realize that she may not have felt heard.

[paul19510]

Thanks Artsy. I left the convonupbeat. She askednme to be careful driving in the bad weather and I told her goodnnight.

[bluesgal]

Paul- Your bump in the road could have been much worse. As I read your posts I noticed a lot of little positives. Do you notice them? She may have been caught off guard, but did not dismiss you. And she did chat with you. And, she told you to be careful driving.

Remember in the DR book that these are mini goals and we can celebrate to ourselves when these are met. Continue with your n/c and GAL. Taking a different way to the store is a great detachment step for you.

You should take a step back from your sitch and give yourself a pat on the back for your excellent progress so early on.

You are doing only weeks in what it has taken many of us (especially me) months to do. Good job. Remember: No contact

[paul19510]

Thanks blue! I feel like a hot mess. Lol. She's. Staying at the neighbors again due ton poor weathers. The H told me today that W and her BFF his W, were chatting away again about the sitch. When his W. Tried to fill him in he said no thanks. Leave me out of it. I don't need. "He said she said." I agreed to keep our friendship about something else. He was proud of my GAL stuff and said " see I told you a couple years ago to starting taking care of YOU. sorry it took this but glad you did it.....you look and sound great..." its nice that people are seeing changes. I feel them. That's. The important thing.

I guess my visit last night to W was partly to show the new ME a little bit. It was a misstep but perhaps as Artsy said above I can see some benefits by backing off now. I spoke my peace she's. Seen me a little now....time to back off. You nd the others keep me going. I feel a change in the sitch. I just don't know what or when. At least I am getting healthy. One final thing, I expressd to nieghbor that I wish his W would just listen and not be a supporter or detractor of the marriage. I know...I know...2x4.

[paul19510]

So sometimes it irratates me that W doesn't. Offer to help with anything. She's. Been off work all week due to MLK on Monday and snow days the rest. Ive had the full time gig and the part time gig and kids and house with sports for kids etc. Menwtime her truck sits parked acrros the street hanging at the Nghbrs. Score 1 for detachment. I just keep moving. D13 slept here last night. The first wed since it happened. She's. Getting tired of living out of suitcases. W can't. Keep her running around like that. I hope that sparks some small changes and W starts to get it a little bit. I know. I know. Staying on MY stuff will be much more helpful. But a guy can wish for a second right?

[Rick1963]

Paul the mental image of a spouse residing with neighbors across the st. Makes me wonder. First, she probably can't stay with them for ever. If I'm correct they will ask her to leave in the foreseeable future. Secondly, and Sandi usually does a great job at challenging LBS, why would u want to be with someone who does not want you?

[labug]

Hi labug, I have a question about an item you helpednme with. You asked if my spouse felt. "Safe " that she felt heard. Is it fair to tell my W that I understand this and that it is anooint of growth? Or do my actions in future just speak for themselves. Its kind of a big thing to realize that she may not have felt heard.

Actions all the way, talk is cheap.

[labug]

Word of caution. Paul, if that is your IRL first name and you're using your W's actual name, rethink that. These posts are easily searchable through google.

People come on here all the time horrified that the S has found their posts on the board.