separted six weeks still on the journey - II

[paul19510]

Hi Bug, thanks for looking in on me. The old thread just locked. so here's another thread..

I'm so glad you are her with us during this time. No she didn't say that she'd have accepted anybody else's help but mine.... When I offered to leave after startling her, she said "..NO! that's not it. please just call or text next time. don't walk up on my like that. You scared me...there's nothing out here and I'm in my own thoughts so I'm not expecting people to walk up..." I did offer help since she was done last night with this morning's chores due to -15 wind chills. She said "....thanks, I'll call you if I need it..." that's a no. I just need to step back.

This morning, I used my energy for me and my kids. I shoveled the driveway before dawn, went to the gym to stay healthy and went to Walmart for snow day treats. Our schools are closed again. I avoided driving past the barn on my way to the store. I went another way. baby steps....

I do think now that part of me wanted to see her and part of me wanted to show her that I would like to partner with her. So, that is an expectation of some kind. It wasn't horrible, but it doesn't help things either. We're not having crying sessions of fights or stalking or anything like that. Just me, coming around and asking to help or offering to drink coffee. I guess even that is too much in this situation. I need to pull away.

I see people who do converse with the Spouse during this time. but I am not seeing her initiate anything due to my impatience. A week or two is really nothing in these circumstances as I have come to see.

on the GAL front, I've gotten a ton of new friends with hockey and me and S12 and D13 are out and about 5 nights or more each week. I have a tournament for S12 in Niagara Falls over Valentine's day weekend. I called back to the lady I met about the free massage and arranged to have a 30 minute massage at the local gym sometime next week. I really think that helps with stress and I enjoyed her company. She said she really enjoys talking with me too. I am making new friends at the gym and attending workout classes call HITT training Tuesday and Thursday. Mon, Wed, Fri I lift, stretch and tread mill. My body is beginning to transform and get back in shape and my mind is clearer.

I know that all of these things are helping. Without them, I would be in a much darker place. Still I miss who W once was. The person I saw last night was not that person. I am uncertain if she kept me on the phone for any reason when I called her back or if I'm just reading into it. She saw a positive me during our interactions last nigh. So, I guess that counts for something.

one other note, an old friend from the horse world called for W again last night. She keeps calling our home phone. I told her it was best to call W's cell from now on that that Peg had asked to take time apart. Peg has not told some people and this person did not know. I asked her to not say anything in this case. I told her that I also enjoyed her friendship and that of her late H and that I hope to continue with that in the future come what may. She agreed. I am not going to lie about being separated.

Also this friend was calling to see about Peg taking her mini horses due to H passing and not being able to afford them anymore on her SS check each month. I felt it was important that she understood that this path might not be doable at the moment as we are currently stretched. She had another couple that wanted them anyway and was going to tell W that.