HARDENED HEART CONTINUES 6 - 7 MONTHS OF REFLECTI

[25yearsmlc]

Yes, 25, that makes a lot of sense. So as part of moving on, when the LBS decides to continue to work on their marriage (or stand so to speak) , where does the dating fall into all of this.

This ^^ is a core question that has several components. No simple answer.

Let me try outlining a few parameters.

Timing is key. No one can pretend to be "standing" and then date two weeks after a bomb drop. That's a pretty clear example of someone not DBing or taking their vows seriously.

But I have seen (true stories) people here "standing" for 5 or more YEARS, with NO interaction or sign of reconciliation from their EX spouse...they are often legally and physically divorced and have been out of touch for years, but will claim to be 'standing"....

but to ME, they are waiting or standing STILL and somehow claiming to be "working on the m". iF someone is not doing anything different or new, I don't believe they are working on themselves, and I don't think they understand DBing. Or they like to lift their hands up in the air helplessly but saying "I TRIED" and what they really mean is they did not file...which is not nearly what we mean when we use the terms "DBing" and "Standing", etc.


Dating is not a gimmick to get a spouse back. For one thing, that would be grossly unfair to the OM/OW who is essentially being used as a tactic to get a second look from a WAS.

Plus if that ^^^is the real reason for the date, it usually gets detected, so it backfires anyhow, and then the whole point of the charade is lost. Not to mention potentially hurting an innocent OM/OW...

HOWEVER
I think dating even though you are open to a reconciliation, DOES have a legit role, under some circumstances.

My list of when it's "okay" to date is not written in stone and is just MHO and is NOT exhaustive or complete.

But no matter how dedicated we are to a marriage, we also all have our own personal limits. Being alone in bed every night, is a nightly reminder of our rejected status. Though it can be liberating and exciting, it also can get old and lonely too.

OR maybe the LBSer no longer wants to stand so they begin to date, regardless of the Div filing status.

OR maybe we just want to know what is out there, dating wise, so we take a look.
OR perhaps we have met someone special, someone who makes us laugh or with whom we share a common interest, AND it can be very reassuring to simply know an attractive MAN/WOMAN does exist, OTHER than the one who left you!

True, We may never want to date again, but we might want to file just to have some measure of closure (though I believe that concept is overstated).

OTOH, maybe we just want to know that someone out there still thinks we are desirable and our ego needs some stroking. Lord knows our ego has taken a smashing blow and it would feel nice to know that we are not the losers we sometimes feel we must be for our favorite person in the world to leave us....

And that's ^^probably not a good enough reason to date, b/c there, it's about our insecurity/ego, and not about getting to know someone new or someone really interested in Them, nor would we be bringing much to the table for THEM...

But if a LOT of time has passed (and for ME, 6 months is a minimum before I'd open my eyes to an OM and I know I'd wait longer if there were kids, )

and that is a whole other issue of huge importance. Are there children? Gender and Ages?

What is Their level of preparedness for a parent to date. Believe it or not, many kids ask their LBS parent to date, MAYBE b/c they worry that the LBS will become too bitter or lonely, if they don't find someone else, or they'll be alone and the child feels burdened by the LBSer, or worries they will someday, and they want the LBS parent to be happy. This is especially clear when the LBSer is depressed or rejected feeling, which is always, (but some of us hide it better from the kids...but not many hide it well or consistently b/c, well, because we are human).

So if there are kids, I'd add to the time period before dating, I'd be VERY VERY slow in introducing the kids to a new person.

The MC I saw told me that if I were to date, to only introduce the kids to a OM if I were 75% sure that something permanent was possible with the OM. AND that the kids were to have "reasonable veto power", which meant, according to this MC, that if a child does not connect or like the new person or they don't match up well or get along, the new person GOES AWAY...the kids CAN veto.

The exception would be if the kids are simply not accepting the parents divorce, (when it's obviously too late, for instance if the WAS has remarried and has a new family, it's OVER and yet there are a few kids who will still want their remaining parent to be single forever... in which case greatly slowing down the new R is clearly needed.

The child is not to feel as if they have no vote or say in their surroundings b/c it will deeply weaken their belief that they can affect or control their lives. Make sense?

I can see that at some point a new R would not be able to progress UNLESS/UNTIL I knew that my kids approved of and liked the man. And that he liked my kids. IT'd be a non starter if they did not get along. (Reminds me of a woman who came to Legal Aid once for a problem. She mentioned the new man in her life and said "He's a great guy and I really love him...he's NOT great with my kids b/c they don't get along, but everything else is..." AND I STOPPED her then and there..

"how can a man be a "great guy" but NOT get along with your kids? It's either or, not both. I was stunned that someone NOT Liking your kids would still be considered as a potential mate, at all.

Talk about making your child feel low on the Totem pole...

If there are no signs of a recon, and you have not dated, then you know the dating did not make things worse.

And if you are sincerely interested in someone who seems pleasant and you wish to get to know them, and you are honest with them, then it can be a good way to revisit your single self, get to know how to date these days amd at your present age, AND to remember that not all members of the opposite sex are 'bad news".

If it's "time to get back in the saddle", and you are worried about your kids, ask them how they'd feel about it. Being direct is a really refreshing thing for kids to have with them, in times like these especially.

Try to ask them this, BEFORE you meet a special person. so the air is cleared when no emotions are involved AND If there is strong resistance from your family, you won't feel nearly as frustrated or trapped by deferring the whole dating scene. And not feeling trapped, tends to help ALL the r;s you have...


As a stander, do we still believe in the marriage completely and never date again.

Not in my opinion. Never say never!

My h and I were sep (including geographically) as well, for 2 years. After year 1, I began to dip my toe in the dating world.

In some ways, dating reminded me why I like men. Many men HERE on these boards also serve as wonderful reminders of what good stand up men are like. They show up for their lives and they truly care and work hard.

It also reminded me of why I chose my h in the first place. Despite meeting two very good men out here dating, I mostly felt better suited to my h. I'm pretty sure he had a similar experience. You meet someone, they are attractive and courteous and you have dinner. During dinner You realize "oh, they don't feel secure around (me) someone with more education than they have", or "oh wow they really do care WAY too much about my income level...not cool...
or they don't take care of themselves physically or they drink too much, and the point ends up being that you miss your spouse MORE!

Want the Good news? The good news is, It goes both ways!

IF your spouse is dating, do NOT assume the best date ever/worst case for you...it hurts, And it's not too accurate so, why bother?

Or do we stand as per se, still care and love our WAS, but realise that we cannot simply stay a nun/priest during that time?

One fear I articulated at the time was, "what if I never have sex again?" My MC was a man and my ego got enough strokes that he convinced me that dating and having sex "again, SOMEDAY", would happen so that I did not let that factor, the desire for physical intimacy, get ahold of me too fast.


Are we just as bad as the WAS, if we say we are standing, but then go out and date?

Seems to me the "hypocrisy" argument your WAS could make, is weak yet it sure can hurt you, but it only works against you, if you did JUST what the WAS did, which is impossible if you were under the same roof and he forgot to mention had "GD Unhappy" he is....

We are just as bad as the WAS when we do what they did...if it was bad.

To be fair, SOME WASs are not dating OM/OW when they drop the bomb, but once they separate some do begin to date.

As hard as it is to see how they are "trying" in the M, while sep and then dating, somehow it feels differently than when a spouse is still under roof as you are, and steps out on you.

I hope this helps more than confuses. Input welcome.

And though I see the obvious downside of dating WHILE standing, there are ways to do it carefully. You do NOT tell your WAS.

You do NOT tell your kids until if and when you know this person is important enough for you to put them and the new person, through it. If things go south, the kids get to feel abandoned, again.

Good question, good luck. I'll try to be more specific next time.