Hello I am a stay at home dad, married 10.5 years (after being best friends for 7 more years and dating for 5ish) with 4 children, 9,7,4,and 2. Until the early morning after Christmas Day, I though I had a very strong marriage and a happy wife, but that morning she told me that she didn't want to be married anymore, and couldn't give any more details. I offered to give it time or try counseling and she just shook her head no sadly. Also I got ILYBINILWY. I found out later her main issue that has been building for some time is that living with me stresses her out (it couldn't be her stressful job with a boss she hates, or having 4 children under 10, or the three dogs she just had to get a few months ago (only two of them were new)) She also thinks that I yell to much at the kids, not screaming at them but still... and I have to admit that is probably true. We've always talked about everything or I though yet she hid these feelings for years apparently, never once commenting on it, and last July on our 10th anniversary I even took her out and asked her if she had any problems with our relationship, because I wanted it to last another 10, but she said it was great and had no problems. We've talked about it a few times since, but I realize now those were probably mistakes, my logic may have been sound but it doesn't matter here. She did say that I had been a great husband and that we had a pretty good marriage, but when I asked again about why she wouldn't seek counseling, when the cost was so low and the potential so high, she said she just didn't want to make an effort. Her heart is clearly hardened to me. It is also clear that she is sad about how awful this is for me and she desperately want to remain best friends. It even seems hard for her sometimes. She also I think feels guilty that she let it get to this point without ever telling me how she was feeling, but that changes nothing... its like shes locked onto her course now and nothing will dislodge her from it. She keeps saying that it will be better for everyone in the long run, better for her, the kids and even for me. Not likely on most or all of those counts. I am pretty certain that there is no one else in the picture, (which in a strange way, is a shame) though since I didn't see this coming, I may not have the best judgement.
Since I found out I have been trying to get my life in order, to get back in shape, lose weight, I'm back in school finishing my degree, Ive been seeing a Councillor to help be with temper control strategies, and Ive been working on a plan for what I will do for work, if/when a divorce goes through. I have to say that being a stay at home dad, really makes this so much harder, I'm loosing my wife, partner and best friend, at the same time I won't be able to be with my children as much no matter what else happens, and oh yeah, I'm being 'fired' from my job at the same time. Merry Christmas to me.
My wife is still at home with me, in the same bed in fact, and is friendly, but that's all. I think her her mind we're done, and she is just trying to stay friends.
Ive read both books, though it seemed like so much of the info in the was to prevent a marriage from getting to the is point, I have been trying to detach and to get a life but its hard to do with her living here, and only have one car leaves me kinda stuck, except when shes home and it been long hours lately, probably to avoid coming home and seeing me :p but I have at least been getting out and walking most days. The other problem I'm having in detaching is that she has come to me a few times for comfort about her work situation mostly, and i'm not sure whether by comforting her I'm giving her the best of both worlds, a husband-like figure when she needs it but not when she doesn't (and none of the fringe benefits for me).
So this is pretty long, I'm sorry, thanks for reading this far. The one thing I haven't said is that I am absolutely loyal to my family, and I love her so deeply that this is killing me. I'd do anything to set it right, but was never given the chance, to even know there was a problem. And it hurt that she would just throw away a 'pretty good' marriage, a 'great' husband and a best friend into the bargain. Ive given everything I had to her and my children. And this just makes no sense to me, or anyone else Ive talked to about this, including her folks. So hey, anyone have any advice?
Yes, my advice is to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Apparently the marriage counseling you have had, has not brought about the changes needed to save your marriage. Please act sooner than later so that you may learn how to turn things around, make effective changes and get your marriage back on track. Call me to discuss our coaching program 303-444-7004.
Roberta, Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 Roberta@divorcebusting.com
After writing this I realized I left a out a few bits of information that may or may not be helpful, I'm 36, she is almost 37, we're both physically healthy though she does have thyroid issues, as I said I'm seeing counselor, and I've suffered from depression in the past, but never got treatment for it. She has suffered from PPD after a few of our children, and 3 years ago last week we lost an unborn child that was far enough along that she had to deliver it. IT was agonizing for both of us, but especially for her. After the birth of our last she went on zoloft,and was on it until around mid October of this year. She didn't tell me that she had gone off, and in fact she kinda lied when I asked her the week before the bomb went off. She started seeming distant by late November and for the 3 weeks before she told me seemed so miserable in bed every night, so sad and anxious. Now I know she was making her decision then, but she just said she was stressed from work.
I haven't had marriage counseling, I offered and she refused. The counseling I've been having the last few weeks is for me to help me with temper control and to help me not slip into depression from the situation.
Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals here to help you try and get your M on track.
You mentioned "temper" issues. what were they? How long have you been out of a job? Could it be that your W felt overwhelmed about being the provider? Anything about your marital history will help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Sorry that you find yourself on here. You won't find a better group of individuals here to help you try and get your M on track.
You mentioned "temper" issues. what were they? How long have you been out of a job? Could it be that your W felt overwhelmed about being the provider? Anything about your marital history will help.
MrBond, Thanks for the welcome, My temper issues are mostly that I sometimes yell when the children are misbehaving, Ive certainly never yelled at my wife, nor have a threatened anyone or even spanked the children, but I do yell sometimes, and I lecture a lot, when the kids arent behaving as I think they should. My standards on this may be to high, or at east higher than my wifes are.
My being a stay at home/homeschooling dad was a choice my wife and I made back before my 1st child was born 9 years ago. As far as I know she doesn't have an issue with it, but then I didn't know she had any issues, so it is a possibility. I have been considering this as one possibility during my reflections the past several weeks.
Well, She was gone for work all week, and I stayed strong almost the whole weekend, we've been really friendly with each other, like we were before the bomb dropped, but with no physical interaction other than an occasional hug. But after she went to bed I saw a file in her open briefcase and I snooped and found the unsigned divorce papers. I had thought she had agreed to give it some time, but I guess not. I guess this explains why she was sad all weekend and twice spoke to me making a plea, hoping we could remain best friends. After I found it, I woke her up to ask "So, when are you going to file?" She told me the truth, and I sadly, I wished her good night and left for the couch. not wanting to sleep in the same bed with her after what I viewed as a betrayal of sorts. About 5 minutes later she comes in crying and apologizing for making me sad/upset. We ended up talking for a few hours, I know I shouldn't have but I couldn't help it. Shes really torn about what to do now wanting to go but wanting to stay too I think. She was unable to give me an answer right now but will be thinking about it, but a maybe is better than an outright no I guess.
wadad, sorry you are here, and that you are going through a rough time.
I don't have time for a long response right now, but wanted to help you out with refraining from pressuring your W to make a decision. Right now she clearly does not know what she wants. If you force her to decide, what do you think her decision will be? I am guessing it will be D. Remind yourself of that every time you feel the urge to talk to her about your M or her decision. No answer is better than the answer you don't want.
Hang in there, and make sure you are following the 37 rules!!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I'll do my best to do what I know I should do, it just seems so antithetical to the relationship we used to have, that it is hard. But I know you're right.I will try my best to stay strong and not give in to the insecurity I'm feeling over the whole situation. Anyway, I'll take maybe and time over No, everyday of the week.
