Things keep getting worse. I am lost at the moment and just not sure what to do.
H asked to come over to see the kids for a few minutes to play in the snow. I told him that was ok. This was my first mistake of the day. It was not H's day to see the kids. Of course he swoops in and takes the kids to a better sledding place and he gets to be the fun daddy. It was my own fault because I have not been keeping my boundaries in place and now they mean nothing. So I was mad at myself about that.
Then when H was here, he mentioned that he had made plans for himself and bil that were quite expensive. H had just given me a lecture last week about how we need to watch what we are spending, etc. I pretty much lost it because I am so tired of his one sided criticisms. I spend money on the kids and the house and he makes me feel bad. Yet he can spend a lot of money on a fun outing with no second thought. I told h that I really don't care about the money but that I care that he yells at me but the same thing does not apply to him. I am just tried of getting the crappy part of my H. As Melissa said on another thread, I am getting the left over moldy pieces of cheese cheese and they are making me sick. Yet I am clearly desperate because I keep eating the moldy pieces of cheese that he throws my way.
This lead to a huge relationship discussion. I am not sure what even came out of the discussion other than my H still wants the best of both worlds (to be friends with me and the OW) and that he is not ready to get divorced. The only thing that I know is that our current situation has gotten me stuck and caused me to backslide over the past couple of weeks. I am not sure what to do or what changes if any I need to make for myself. I feel so lost.
I think the fact that it has been six months is causing me to spin a bit despite the fact that I KNOW that six months is nothing and that this journey will be so much longer. I know that H and the OW are taking a business trip together next month which is causing me to lose it a bit as well. It bothers me that h just booked another trip so that we will be gone three weekends in a row. He has no problem not seeing the kids for three weekends in a row when it suits him but then complains that he does not get enough time with them and asks to see them on my days.
Hopefully I will be heading out of town tomorrow for a few days (if my flight is not canceled) and can clear my head. I am in desperate need of some advice. Ivn seriously a
