my wife left, but still lives with me #2/continued

[tough spot]

OMG this is hard. Broke the rules and brought up the R with the wife. She says there is no hope, no reconciliation possible. She is at a point where she is happy with her life (physically, job) and that points out the glaring defects of our marriage.

I discussed how if neither of us was a whole person up to this point than obviously our relationship couldn't be all that good. and now, now that she is in a good spot and I am working on becoming a better person, how can she not get the R a chance. Both people being better gives a much greater opportunity for the R to be better.

I made it 2 weeks this time without discussing the R. People should be warned that not only does it potentially push the WAS away, if is f'ing painful. God she is so cold. The only emotion i sensed up to now and during our discussion was irritation at my presence.

The peoplefinder search she made was for the guy from the 5 year ago EA. Whether she has done anything with it i do not know....

I am not sure about this not talking about R and getting worked up. Let me ask, if we didn't talk about serious deep issues before, am i doing more harm with following the db advice of not talking now? Do i call her out on the looking up the old EA guy? Do i let it run its course as i can't control it anyway?
Do I wait silently and monitor it and pocket it away for the divorce...in case it gets nasty?

This EA i just don't understand. When they were in high school she tells me he raped her and that was the end of the relationship. She told me this 20 years ago. When the ea started and i found out, i asked her what the f was she thinking about having a relationship with a guy who raped her?

through talking and counseling she went to a shrink and was diagnosed with manic/depressive episodes. so not quite thinking right but it is still crazy! and now, to do it again? WTH is wrong with this woman? Please, for the love of god, someone provide me with some insight/advice on how to keep this from tearing me apart.