Hi, I am new to this forum but have learned a lot of ideas from reading old posts. Sorry this is so long. It's hard to decipher what things matter more than others.
I have been married to my husband for 11 years, together for 15. We have no children. In October, he began acting like I was not a priority. When questioned about this, he told me that he was unhappy with himself in many aspects of life (not taking the time to go to church, seeing his family, doing things to make me feel loved).
My husband has an extremely stressful career that requires rigorous demands of his time, so what he complained about made sense to me. Our marriage has had more stressful situations than I believe the average marriage does. We have always loved each other, rarely fought, and were best friends who enjoyed being together. I will say that we have not had passion in our marriage for a long time, but I always chalked it up to stress, his exhaustion, and the mundane routine of daily life. Looking back, I do feel unfulfilled, but certainly never wanted to put more pressure on him.
He started talking to a priest and going to church. About 6 weeks after the initial complaint of being unhappy with who he was, it turned into that though he loved and cared for me, he was not in love with me anymore. He says that he has felt this way for over a year but did not tell me because I had a close family member that was ill for the entire year. He told me he needed time because he did not know if he wanted to work on our marriage. He felt that we had had 15 years to get it right. I left to give him the space that he needed, though I had not seen this coming. By this time, we had spent very little time together for two months due to his work schedule. While I was giving him space, I had found a few inconsistencies and became suspicious of an affair. Shortly after, he went on a vacation with another woman. He wouldn't answer my calls and denied having an affair via text, saying he just needed to get away and was with a friend. I did what research I could and found out that the OW worked with him and is single and 10 years younger than me. While he was still out of town, I consulted an attorney who recommended that I take half of our savings. He did not come home until 2 nights after he got back in town. By this time, I had taken the money.
When I confronted him about the affair, he denied sleeping with her, saying that he has only kissed her and that she has nothing to do with the way he feels about our marriage. That none of this is about another woman. I asked him to end it and he would not commit to doing so. He said there was nothing to end, that he's not in a relationship, she's just a friend and he'd only been seeing her for 3 weeks. The next day he agreed to go to counseling but couldn't promise anything. This ended up being an independent session for him. That evening we fought and he said he could never see us being happy again, he has no desire to work on our marriage, and that he does not share my optimism that we can fall back in love. He did not want to be the one to end our marriage. He told me he thought I should leave him. I told him I would not file for divorce as this was his doing, that I wanted to work on our marriage.
But I ended up leaving the next day, filled my car with clothes and went to my parents, planning to do PLAN B. I would have liked to have tried PLAN A but felt that he wasn't going to let me try and what was the point if he would not sleep at our house or agree to business only contact with her (which is the best I can hope for since he must give 3 months notice to leave his job.) I had already lost 15 pounds, and still can't eat, can't sleep. I did not respond to the two texts that I got, but he did say that he would read the books I had bought by Dr. Harley and he thought he needed to read them before returning to the counselor.
About 5 days later, we had a counseling session scheduled, so I went to it; he did not, he took the OW to dinner. While I was in the town where we live, I decided to see a friend (whose husband is my husband's business partner and a serial cheater, as is their third partner). My purpose was to find out any info that she might know about the affair.
She knew nothing, however, we discovered that the OW had also had a 2 year affair with her husband. I found some other details and decided that I needed to talk to him before I left town, therefore messing up Plan B. Also, from what I could tell, I think he was staying with the OW while I was gone.
When I told him this information, he knew about the affair but was concerned with the timeframe that I was told it ended. He told me he was going to call her to say that he couldn't be "her friend" anymore. I remembered that he should write her a letter too late. When he came back from calling her, she had talked him out of it.
The next day I told him I couldn't be in limbo for much longer, that I was starting to lose my desire to work on our marriage as well. I tried to get him to spend his week off with me so we could try a little of Plan A, but he did not want to. I asked him if he knew if he wanted a divorce. He said yes. Then said that he didn't know if it was 100% the right decision or if he would regret it. Then he said he needed more time.
I can admit that I have faults but also feel that getting your needs met is a 2 way street. This man is not my husband. He has always been very good to me. This cold treatment and disrespect that he has shown me is totally out of character. This is a person who was mortified by the behavior of his partners and how they treated their wives. He is now adamant that he is nothing like them, even though he is having an affair.
So I have now left again and am back to trying Plan B. I read about starting to move some things out. I don't feel ready to pack up furniture but what are your thoughts on packing up the things that make a house feel homey (pictures, knickknacks, etc.)? I am also preparing for exposure. I tried to disclose the affair to one of his best friends, who did not take it well. He said he knew we were having problems and that he had encouraged my husband to work it out and would continue to do so, but that my husband denied any affair as a problem.
The OW is single, should I expose the affair to her parents? I am working on what I would like to say to his parents.
