This is because we MLCers can only handle so much intense emotions. Looking into the spouse's eyes is an intimate activity. When it becomes too much for us, we do the avoidance dance with you.
But Wonka my dear, you don’t understand, I want the intimacy thing back already.
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FY, where are things with you and W right now? Are you sharing the same bed? Do you have any light physical touches? Terms of endearment?
We are still in separate beds. She will accept a head massage/hair brushing, and will thank me for it. I only do this once every couple of weeks or so, when things are going well, because I don’t want to appear desperate. She won't initiate, but I've gotten her to do the same for me a couple times. But I sensed some reservation in her body language so now I don’t pursue it.
Most other touching is incidental, because we live and do things together. We hold onto each other for family pics. It would be satisfying if I didn’t know it was only to keep up appearances.
Terms of endearment? I slip out a few with her occasionally. She never does with me. She only recently started to replace a mumbled “hey” with a more pleasant “Hello” when she comes home. This means she's almost back in bed, right?
Thanks Wonka!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Spanking, inviting me over to your place while W was out of town, and sliding from high fives to panty removal. You're nothing but trouble!
Since your W is more 'friendly' to you, I'd suggest that you keep up with the friendly morning send offs and evening greetings. That will, hopefully, expand more and magnify more during these types of interactions. Then just maybe, maybe...she'll be in your bed soon!
FY I like the sense of humor too! When we were on holiday I did the laundry and both H's and mine undergarments were in the machine together... That counts, right?
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
W does much of our laundry, so she's always handling my skivvies. I help, so I get to handle hers too. To be honest, it doesn't do much for me... Maybe I'm not doing it right?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Lol it was the closest we have been in years... So I'll take it!
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
So I've been reading SSM, and would like to start making some moves, because well, I'm antsy.
W and I live together, get along well, and there's no OM. I have to believe she doesn't want to lose me. But applying too much pressure could change that I suppose. I'm still at a point where that matters, because even with the near lack of physical touch, the rest of the M is working for me... for now anyways. I don't want to bomb that.
I'm also pretty sure she is still in crises. Last week she told me (again) that she envies dead people, because they have no worries.
Should I wait for her to work through her crises issues, (at least one is due to ME) or are there things I can do or say now that may help?
I'm thinking about:
1. Asking how the M is working for her, and if there is anything I can do better. Which would then lead into what I would like her to do better for me.
2. Initiating more touch. Nothing big, just touch her shoulder or arm, hold her hand, or tie her to the bed kinda stuff.
Thoughts?
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
FY, Yep, you are antsy. I would start with #2 for a while and see how that goes.
Number 1 is kind of a touchy subject and I don't think she's actually ready for a marriage discussion just yet...but you could ask her if there is anything that you could do better and just leave the word "marriage" out of it for now. If you are going to have this particular conversation, do it when you both are relaxed and enjoying an evening at home w/o any distractions.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Yes, I agree that start with the first part of #2...leave out the tying to the bedpost stuff!
I'd like to comment about your W's expressed view about envying dead people. There's underlying stress she's feeling and has not verbalized out loud to you. If I were you, I'd ask her opened ended questions to get more out of her in a nonjudgmental manner. Remember, MLCers are overwhelmed with stress and don't handle pressure well. Dead people don't have to deal with day-to-day chit. See what I am saying here?
Then ask her how you can support her? Be careful not to say "what" you can do to support her which suggests that W can't do anything herself and she'll react quite strongly to that implication. KWIM.
