separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

thanks for checking on me, Rick. I will keep moving forward. I also think that the thing that makes me crazy is that she didn't say she wants out....she's just sitting, not in not out. Sometimes I think that would feel better in a strange way. At least I would not hope as much. Just thinking out loud

[paul19510]

Thanks artsy. I am trying. I feel a little better this afternoon now that I shoveled snow and burned off so of the anxiety. Of course W was 500. Yards away running the neighbors tractor. Nice. Weird witch. Oh well better days ahead. Right?

[paul19510]

Artsy, after I read dingo 's post I went tonresd some success stories and the one common theme they shared was that turning away and letting go and deciding that they needed this for THEM not to cause the WAS to react in a certsin way saved them and the M. I am beginning to turn away but its early. Not giving up just realizing that contact with my W right not is not helpful. I need a break.

Bug, my pain will hopefully be less if I give myself a break from this mess and just forget about it for a while. Just keep moving forward. I realize I'm. Still looking over my shoulder. That's part of the pain. She's. Not following me. I cant do that. I will drive myself crazy. Getting there.

[bluesgal]

Paul-Your observation about the success stories seems to be the same conclusion I've drawn. Tough pill to swallow, though. Truly letting go is scary and emotional. But, I think it's something we have to do so we're not stuck in this mess. We need it for us and if our M work out because of it...then bonus.

[paul19510]

hi Blues!. I had a small slip tonight. The weather is foul and dangerous. I was driving by W's barn on my way to the store for Medicine for my D16 for her cold. I saw she was working alone. I stopped in to offer help. It's secluded and I didn't call or text before walking up to her. so, I startled W and she yelled at me. oh well.

And I broke a week of N/C. So its back to resetting the clock I guess. I called her after I left and apologized for startling her. I told her I just thought she'd appreciate a pair of hands in the bad weather and that I enjoyed working with her so, I thought she wouldn't mind. She seemed to not care. so, I guess I shouldn't either.

then she kept me on the phone to make small talk for a couple minutes. I just kept it up beat and then excused myself. if that had been anyone else offering help, she'd have been very happy. Doesn't matter. No need to get the 2X4 out, I'm already hitting myself

This stinks. The ony way out of this with Sanity is to stop talking to her. I wouldn't let anyone else treat me this way (keep rejecting me) so why her??

[bluesgal]

Paul-Been there done that. I can relate. Sometimes it seems like it shouldn't be this hard. Why wouldn't she accept an offer to help from you like she would anyone else? I guess we don't get to know the answers to these questions.

But, I bet you and I can agree on one thing: It feels better to n/c than to contact and be rejected.

Unfortunately, sometimes we learn the hard way. Over and over. But I have confidence that you and the rest of us trying to save our M will get to the point where n/c is ok. We will be ok. I know you'll start over and you'll be stronger this time

[paul19510]

yes Blues, I will. like I said, we don't anything awful or nasty going on, but its just quiet and pathetic I guess. She doesn't want me. Why don't I get that??

[paul19510]

Note for today after sleeping on last night's. Slip up: 1. nothing positive I said or did before makes a difference to W now. 2. Nothing I say now to show changes or partnership matters to W now. 3. It hurts to be rejected so why do that to myself. Its not good for me. 4. Time to try again and i must forgive myself for the slip up and move forward. I really need to walk away from W. I should have listened to that little voice in my head yesterday as I walked the pathway to the barn...." why are you doing this. You know shes just going to reject you....." time to learn. I hope I can resist this temptation again and do a better job going forward. I Am disaspointed with myself today, but I got to dust myself off and keep going.

[labug]

It's all about perspective, Paul. You needn't judge yourself or your actions. You offered help, she didn't want it.

This is also where no expectations is so important. Don't offer things that have an expectation attached.

Did she tell you she would have accepted help from anyone but you? It's not helpful to tell yourself that if she didn't say it.

Believe me, I know how difficult this is but we tend to make it much more difficult on ourselves.