Thanks Bets, Barb and Wonka (although I'm still trying to interpret what you mean by "yellow water" - is that the same as yellow snow???).
Bets - you are spot on that the issue with Sarah is still complicated - in fact it's all pretty complicated right now and I have no idea what direction I should take - if any.
I'm going to put it all out here with the full expectation of being whacked up the side of my head by probably more than just a few of you but perhaps it will just help me to write it all down. I have a horrible time closing doors on people. I don't know if it's because I don't want to hurt their feelings, turn my back on what could possibly be the love of my life or I'm just conflict avoidant. I suspect it is a combination of all three and yes I also know that by not closing doors it can and most likely will cause more hurt for others and more conflict in the end. While it may seem like I am a "player" honestly until this past year, I have NEVER dated more than one person at a time. So no I don't think I am a player but the situation I find myself in has made me feel that way at times. While I have distanced myself from most of the women I have met on Match in the last three months, I am still seeing Julie. Then there is Marianne who I have not firmly closed the door on - although I do hear many of you who say run for the hills regarding her.
The situation with Sarah is obviously the distance apart that we both currently live - while not insurmountable the likelihood of us seeing each other more than once every couple of months is doubtful. Aside from the current family issues she has, she is actually pretty mobile in that she currently does not have a job and her children are all grown and out of the house. However it would take me quite sometime before I could ever get to a point of suggesting she move closer and I certainly cannot move anywhere for at least the next 2 1/2 years and likely more than that based on my job. That all being said she and I have a lot of things in common, we had very good chemistry together this weekend and like I already mentioned she is a genuinely nice person.
As for Julie, I really enjoy going out with her. Physically I am very attracted to her - she is very cute and is always positive with a lot of energy. We also have a lot in common. A couple of minor red flags have come up with her which perhaps keep me from being completely enamoured with her. Nothing in the dealbreaker category - yet - but just a couple of things that keep my radar up and feet dragging a bit. We have gone out on probably 5 dates so far and neither one of us has even mentioned being exclusive. While I have taken my Match profile offline, hers is still active and for all I know she is being positive and energetic with several people. Even with the minor red flags I think that if she was the only one I was dating right now I would be getting close to the point of discussing exclusitivity with her soon.
Finally saving the most complicated for last is Marianne. Had I not been so much in love with this woman it probably would not be an issue for me, but I was (emphasis on was) and because of that I find it difficult to run for the hills now even though I do understand there are valid reasons to do just that. She actually called and asked if she could come over to see me Friday night for a few minutes because she wanted to tell me some things in person. I agreed and she came by for about 15 to 20 minutes. She laid it all out on the line. Told me that she knew she had hurt me deeply and was sorry for that and understood if I wanted nothing to do with her, but she wanted me to understand that she was completely in love with me and that her feelings were true and genuine. She wishes it would have happened sooner but she couldn't control when she falls in love. I was honest with her and told her that it scared me a bit that I could not read her emotions at all. I had no clue when she wanted to break things off and I had no clue she was falling in love with me during the last two times we got together. I also told her that although I was seeing other people I had not made a commitment with anyone and I just needed some time to think through all of this.
So perhaps if Sarah lived closer I'd have an easier decision to make and just cut things off with Julie and Marianne. Or if there was no Sarah or Marianne in the picture at all perhaps I could easily fall into an exclusive dating arrangement with Julie (if that is what she wanted to do as well). Finally if I had not been so in love with Marianne, it would be easier to just tell her that our train had passed. All of these things I'm thinking through and I know I'll figure it all out sooner or later. Most likely sooner in that I don't like having all of this stress in my life. I also know that I'm my own worst enemy for being in this situation anyway and there are worse situations to be in.
Of course all of this is miniscule in nature compared to what is going on in Florida with my father. I do fear that he has a very painful last few weeks/months ahead of him and with me being up here almost a thousand miles away my remaining time with him will be quite limited. I do plan to take a couple of more trips down to see him, sooner rather than later.
