my wife abandon me

[MrBond]

"I also was kind of close in the communication with her,"

This is a big one. Why didn't you communicate with her?

"my wife its also a person obsessed with becoming an actress and she never wanted to negotiate for how long would she tried that for,"

Why would she have to "negotiate" with you? If that was her passion, then you should have supported her. For many people, they just want to know that they have their spouse's support, unconditionally. It seems like you really didn't support her or at least she felt you didn't.

"she told me only that once she became an actress making money she would buy a house with me, so I couldn't stand that part of ok boy wait for me to make my dream come true and then I will get those things with you...."

Why not? Sounds like you were being self centered because it wasn't a goal of YOURS. Marriage isn't just about you. It's about the goal of your spouse as well.

"I guess we have different goals and now she needs also to see that and if those goals are more important than being in a relationship with me."

They weren't more important than you, but let's face it. Why would she want to stay with someone who doesn't open up, lies and doesn't support her? Why would you want to stay with someone like that?

If you REALLY read DR, then you know that YOU have to change first. Doesn't sound like you have at all. THAT IS why she's not looking back.

[ye21]

As much as I don't like to hear something like that....I have to recognize that you are absolutely right, I was self centered and just care about me and all this is a consequence of that,
I am on my journey to change, to take criticism, to recognize where I have fail and to not let that happen again, and as much as I want her by my side and not to divorce its pretty obvious that I have been a complete mess and its normal she is not looking back, now its time to do the sacrifice and change and to improve all this things, and I asked you if I should go to her play and the reality is that in the mood and way that I am right now I will not look to support her but to control and change her mind, once I change all that I will be able to show her that I can give her support. so thank you for your words, they really help.

[MrBond]

"As much as I don't like to hear something like that....I have to recognize that you are absolutely right, I was self centered and just care about me and all this is a consequence of that,
I am on my journey to change, to take criticism, to recognize where I have fail and to not let that happen again,"

You have to be very serious about this if you want to truly change.

"now its time to do the sacrifice"

Sacrifice what? You didn't support her. Is that so hard to do?

"and I asked you if I should go to her play and the reality is that in the mood and way that I am right now I will not look to support her but to control and change her mind,"

I still would strongly suggest that you go. You said that her wanting to be an actress was a big thing. So you really should do this and do it EXACTLY in the way I suggested. Give her the flowers, tell her you support her and are proud of her and then leave. Force yourself to not say anything more. You need to learn to STFU. Show her that you're not insecure and that you can be strong for you AND her.

You have to start somewhere and do it at a time when someone else can't get a foothold to her.

[ye21]

Well after talking to my sponsor (I am in a Debtors anonymous program) and researching and realizing and looking back at my relationship... I was in an abusive relationship I believe and my sponsor who knows my wife believes that too
My wife was abused when she was little, her father will beat her and her brothers and did really awfull things to her.
everytime we had a fight she will insult me, she will make fun of me on front of her family and when I approached her she will say: I was joking, sorry about it if you don't tell me I don't know how much that hurts you....
but again in not a long time she will do the same, she will flirt with guys on my face and if I told her something about it she will justify that and say that basically she was a flirting girl and needed to have that.
She told me she could not love me unconditionally that she has to love with conditions, she never trusted me no matter what and all the problems in 4 1/2 years they were always my fault, she said she had a couple of things to change but nothing really important but I had a lot of work to do...
Because she told me I had to go to Debtors anonymous I ended going, she recommended me therapy all the time and basically I had put my goals and dreams on hold because of this relationship.
I have issues I am not saying I don't, but now that I see that it wasn't all my fault and that basically she is running away the same way she did run away from her house and stopped talking to her father.
she is looking to live the fake life of being an actress, while we were together she would complain and feel bad she wasn't an actress....but she never tried, she would not go to auditions or anything related to acting but she wanted to be an actress...that's why I was moving forward and nor realizing that she couldn't commit to nothing that will treaten her non real dream....
She always kept resentment because when we started together I didn't made enough money to pay my part of the expenses and she had to put a bigger part into paying expenses.
Basically I can see that she was inmature and sometimes while not always her abusive behavior will come up... when we went to visit her family she would get nuts with them for no reason, and in our way home she will always say how it didn't help her to see her family. I was always blamed for that, even when I would plan to take a day off with her, she would agree and the day before she would change plans to do what she wanted to do not caring if that was making me feel bad.
I am saying this and I am also taking my part on this, there are many things I have to work on, and I will, obviously you cant work on a relationship by yourself and now I see how this is exactly what I did, everytime I will approach her to talk about future she will refuse, being vague or directly getting crazy with me about it, and she said she wouldn't talk about it because of me, either she will acusse me of inmature, or many other bad things, but again always it was my fault.
She never tought she has thinks to work on, she kept acussing of her miserable life, either me, or her father, or her mom or family...
We had a car accident, a car hit us from behind in the highway and instead of asking if I was fine, she basically blame me for it saying that it was my fault and she could not arrive to the city on time to meet her friends for a girls night out, because yes she will always have girls nights out but I was never invited.

One thing I could never understand whas this: we will go see her brother who is 13 years old, the kid was literaly a mess of agresivity, insults or bad manners, I will tell him , hey its not cool to insult like that or kick, and right away she would shut me off and say that I could not talk to him like that, and that I was trying to compete with his brother for love....
She would take decisions without ask me about it, she would bring her brother to my house for a week without ask me if I was ok with that( I was ok with that, just wanted to be ask first)

So now I feel with hope, and happier and like I don't have to carry that weight on my shoulders, I have to work on my issues, but we cant be in a relationship, the only way would be if she goes to therapy and works on that trauma she has.

I have to give up on this, at least today and since yesterday I feel happier and free and more release because I always tough everything was my fault.

[MrBond]

It's never just one person's fault, however, it seems like just overnight you went from working on yourself to being your W's therapist and saying she's crazy.

You just spent the whole post on it and you're blameshifting, the same way your W is doing with you. AGAIN, I'm not saying that your W isn't also at fault, but you can't control that. You can only control you. Yet you are changing your perception whereby you expect your W has to go to therapy again. It doesn't work that way. That's you trying to control things again and it stems from your insecurity.

You just gave yourself an out to not go to her play which she told you was an important thing to her. Ask yourself if doing that actually helps your situation or hurts it.

[ye21]

I am not saying she is crazy, I am saying that she never communicated with me since day one, that she was abused and everything was put on me, and because of that, after a year I felt I didn't and couldn't support her dream of being an actress, you can support somebody but not with your eyes closed, and she was asking for that, I had to give up all my dreams, buy a house, leave an hour from NY to enjoy nature just because she will not do that effort, so basically all the effort had to be on me, either living in Brooklyn or living in Los Angeles, it was no other chance, and that's not what she said when we started.
I feel compassion for her, I would love to help her, but MrBond you are not in the relationship to see the things, and let me tell you that if you are being abused you will always believe its your fault, I have been feeling guilty of wanted to have kids, guilty of wanted to save money together, guilty of wanted to buy a house, guilty of going out with my friends, guilty of telling her please don't make fun of me on front of my friends, and now I even felt guilty of her leaving the house, without even trying to talk about it, she just contacts me by email and its all to talk about bills, I can blame myself but I have to recognice reality and I wasn't guilty for everything.

I know you try to put people in reality, and that's what the people around me its doing as well, asuume that a person calling you [censored] everytime you fight, or I hate you, I regret ever met you or married you and you are a looser...its not really just an upset moment, silent treatments everytime I will ask her to clean after her mess its not me blaming her, its me seeing the reality, I can go back to a whole and beliee all was my fault, but I have to recognize it wasn't...

[ye21]

I can go or not go to her play but life its more simple...if you want somebody to go, somebody who you think its important, you make sure to let them know one way or another, I could show up there do what you said and make things worst, but if she or her friends give me a hint, I would definetly go, you ask for what you want, that's what michelle says on her book.

[MrBond]

"I am not saying she is crazy, I am saying that she never communicated with me since day one,"

And you lied to her also. Both of you have personal issues to work out. However, you can only fix yours and not have expectations that the other person will fix theirs.

Your last post doesn't make any sense. I have no idea what you are trying to get at. Are you typing on a phone?

"I can go or not go to her play but life its more simple...if you want somebody to go, somebody who you think its important, you make sure to let them know one way or another,"

From what I'm understanding from your post, you're saying that you'd only go if your W or her friends told you to. You totally didn't understand why I said you should just go. I said you should just do it because you said you never supported her in her acting and even called it an "obsession" with her. That's her passion. Even if it sounds crazy to you, you don't diss your spouse's passion.

Go to show that you support her passion.

If you feel that you have to be asked to go, then you've fallen into the trap of "expecting" her to ask you. In the end you're going to end up in the house alone while another guy shows his support of her. YOU have the power to change that. But it sounds like you won't.

[Lostforwords]

YE,

You stated earlier in your thread that all your relationships end this way. Why do you think that is?

MrBond is giving you excellent advice....What I suggest for your first 180 is listening and HEARING. You are showing on here that you can listen, but are not hear.

Remember all you control is yourself...not others. To blame others for your lack of control is only a travesty to yourself.

[ye21]

Ok, we have a month untill the play. Its a saturday and I will see how things go meanwhile and maybe I will go. My sponsor says I shouldnt go as well as my therapist, you guys tell me to go...I am so confussed that I have no freaking clue about what to do...