separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[willbwell]

yea, my alarm was set for another hr. too. got a busy day today..
hate theses thoughts creeping in. when is it going to stop?

[artsy]

Ahhhh- me too! Paul, our separation dates are similar an I've been told the anger is normal. I just had this convo with my IC yesterday. He said it forces us into action- propels us forward because we are NOT okay with the status quo-

Then I get angry that I'm angry because I'm not an angry person... Lol

So let it happen! Use the energy. I asked my IC for a fast forward button yesterday so I can get to detachment sooner. He said no. Lol

We'll be better for it in the end!!!

[labug]

Accept that you're angry and figure out what it is you're really angry about. Anger often masks hurt. You mentioned lies, and we are hurt by lies.

You stayed in a situation in which it seems you were being hurt consistently. There's a lot of hurt and anger that's going to come out.

[paul19510]

Hi all ad thanks for checking my thread and supporting me. it really helps.

Bug, I agree. I let myself be hurt for a long time. then when we separated, I had this idea in my mind that we'd be one of "those couples" that dates and works. So far, nothing's happened that I have not initiated. So when I realized this, I took a step back. I need to see what happens now that I remove my efforts to reach out and stay connected. But, yes, abandonment and hurt.

She lied to me for months that she could NOT SLEEP IN a BED. had to be on the couch due to hip and back pain. I think one of the other folks here has a H that's saying the same kind of things. But, since she left, no problems...W sleeps in a bed.

She told me she HAD TO BE At the BARN all of that time she was. She couldn't sit with us for family meals. After coaching with Jody last December I began Db'ing and one of the things Jody reminded me of was to continue to make family meals even if W would not or would not join US. now that she's out she consistently come and goes from the Barn at hours that are organized and much shorter than when she was home. She no longer "hides" at the barn. Lies....

I guess if I'm feeling mad and don't want to talk, she may also be feeling things and doesn't want to talk either. part of me wonders if/when we'll actually talk again.

Your experiences prove that sometimes things do work out. I am continuing to just work on improving me. I have convo's in my head with her all the time. In the beginning they were more "please come back " type of convo's. now they are more of the "I don't like you and I don't like what you just did....you have no idea how much you hurt me and the kids...." I don't know how to look at her and not be angry. I don't have to worry about it though. She's basically disappeared....

Sorry to sound so dark. I'm sure its just a phase. I've worked really hard on me (she seems exempt from having to do anything) and she is just floating farther away. She'll never know.

I see now that by removing my efforts, the only contacts we've had have been me reaching out. that stings a little too. Also, she won't say she's in and she's won't say she's out. I an move on with 90 percent of my life, but I'd really love to enjoy time with a companion and laugh and enjoy life again. I pretty much lost out on that for many years with W (more lies about why she just couldn't be there) now its my turn.

No one nice and with any common sense would come near me with my current M status and I wouldn't blame them. I know its early for thinking about that...I've missed out on a lot for more than a decade now. its starting to hurt and NOW she wants MORE TIME to be apart and act platonic.....Except W's not really even doing that now. She's just someone I share a bank account with.

again sorry. done ranting now

[labug]

She lied to me for months that she could NOT SLEEP IN a BED. had to be on the couch due to hip and back pain. I think one of the other folks here has a H that's saying the same kind of things. But, since she left, no problems...W sleeps in a bed.

She told me she HAD TO BE At the BARN all of that time she was. She couldn't sit with us for family meals. After coaching with Jody last December I began Db'ing and one of the things Jody reminded me of was to continue to make family meals even if W would not or would not join US. now that she's out she consistently come and goes from the Barn at hours that are organized and much shorter than when she was home. She no longer "hides" at the barn. Lies....

Yes, she lied and it's not good, we shouldn't do it but I know very few people who don't at some point. There are various excuses, I don't want to get into it, we've talked before nothing changes, I don't want to hurt him, I'm not sure what i want to do right now... But you know what, that's all about her and her inability to address issues.

What can you get from this? Did your W feel safe in coming to you with issues? I don't mean physically safe but did she feel that you would listen in a respectful way? I bolded listen because that's the important verb. We often have our agenda and don't listen, we makes excuses, we whine (men whine, too), we formulate our answer in our head instead of listening, we defend, we try to coerce to our side, any number of things that aren't respectful listening.

I guess if I'm feeling mad and don't want to talk, she may also be feeling things and doesn't want to talk either. part of me wonders if/when we'll actually talk again.

You may not, in any substantive way.

Your experiences prove that sometimes things do work out.

I like to clarify this, things worked out for me long before my H decided to try again. His wanting to be married was/is a good thing but I was very happy as I was.

I am continuing to just work on improving me.

I

I've worked really hard on me (she seems exempt from having to do anything)

We all make choices, you chose to work on you, to become better, she made a different choice. You can't control that.

Do you want to be where she is?

[artsy]

Oh my goodness, you and I are in the same place!

I have pulled back, too, and the response has been silence. He will have to contact at some point, because he only took his clothes when he left-- nothing else.

I also understand he has a right to be angry- I'm angry. I think our positive interaction last week tweaked him off- like "why now"?

This stuff is horrible, isn't it? That's why I titled my post "wouldn't wish this on anyone".

I also am totally not attracted to my H right now- there's nothing attractive about who he has been for the past year! It kind of helps detach a bit...

I helps me to write things down. Try it! I'm about to make a list of all his ugly qualities...I'll keep it hidden away for awhile just for my eyes so I can pull it out and remind myself for comfort. Then I'll rip it up.

It works!!! It really does. I never used to journal until recently. Wish I had started years ago!!

Hang in there...

[paul19510]

Bug, thank you again for a very thoughtful answer. I don't know if W felt that I was respectfully listening. I know that she often commented that I defended myself. so, I guess I'd have to say NO she didn't. I guess that doesn't matter now, except that it has become a 180 of mine for any future contact. that's one positive I can take away.

In the grand scheme of things, its been a week today since we've talked. that's fairly small amount of time. I must learn to be more patient. Again, I feel frustrated by years of being ignored and set aside, only to be here in limbo. I have to work through that and decide how long I will decide to wait. I guess this ride ends if and when I say it ends. if I wanted to, I could call her today and say "I can't live like this and I want out..." I'm not there yet. Sometimes like this I want to be.

I also worry that she's just stringing me along until she gets better situated with a better job, etc. to afford her horses. she's going to have trouble keeping things going that she likes if my part of the money is reduced and it will be according to all the work I have done on that so far. Our incomes are very different. She's not going to have access to the same funds she has today and its going to get really tight for her. so my mind wonders, is she just keeping this going so she can maintain her lifestyle. More later.

[labug]

What would you do differently if she's stringing you along as opposed to not stringing you along?

What does stringing you along look like to you?

Once again you're looking to her for signals.

Live your life as the man you want to be, not I'm this me when she's stringing me along and a different me if she's not stringing me along.

Does that make sense, take control of your life.

[paul19510]

YES, Bug I'm just getting caught up in the hurting part of this today. I have to remember life is good. I have my kids with me, they are happy and the house is really doing well so far. I've been working on myself and I physically feel very good after embarking on a new fitness program.

For some reason the negative side of this situation (no contact and no real movement) is sticking to me today. Does that make sense? Did that happen to you during your journey? I feel frustrated and feel like giving up.

Patience is key as you and others have reminded me. This is still very young.

If I knew that she was just hanging out and had no intentions to come home and that this was not going to result in some chance to talk and perhaps reconcile, I'd end it and move on. but, as you and others have pointed out, the situation and the reasons behind our continued separation may be changing from day to day. I have no way of knowing what my W is thinking or why she continues to stay married but silent.

I guess I should take my W at her word when she told me 2 weeks ago that she struggles with the "...can I come home and not leave you again....I never want this to happen again and if I come home to you its forever...that is what I have to think about now..."

I just can't get my head around how we maintain anything with virtually no contact. what's left? How do we do that? I'm probably way ahead of myself given the current state of my situation.

I guess I miss her too now that I admit it. I don't see any signs that she misses me also. that hurts too. I'll work thru it. I have to accept what I can't change.

I did avoid contact again today even though the weather is poor and I was worried. I know she's in contact with my Kids and if something were really wrong and she needed to, she'd reach out. I have to let go.

[Rick1963]

"I don't see any signs that she misses me also"
I know this^^^^hurts. But you don't know if that is true. This takes lots of time. It is a process that is exhausting. I'm on year 3 and still have bad days. I remember how resentful I was that ex spent more time at the barn than with her family. I also wondered how she would afford it one we divorced. Guess what, she does and appears to be having the time of her life. I wish her well. The things is, that now I'm having the time of my life too, just not with her. The "ifs" that you think of will eventually take a toll on your wellbeing. Let it go.