PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[PatientMan]

This sounds like something I would say. What is the challenge, PM?

It's back earlier in the thread - the final play in The Playbook. To protect the names of the innocent, it's called "The Robin".

And yes, the challenge is to get her back, but it's a secret last play, so I can't really go into the details of the steps and I really shouldn't even be talking about it too much on a public forum.

But I'll give you a hint: the last step is "Hope she says 'yes'".

What if, instead of the challenge being making your XW come back to you (which we all know you have no control over), it was FOR YOU to live a happy life? (Irrespective of whether XW is part of it.)

I won't be happy if I haven't exhausted all resources pursuing what I think is right.

I would actually call that the possimpossible. But neither one makes a damn bit of sense.

Mine makes perfect sense, you're just not watching the right TV shows.

The bottom line for me is: is it the right thing to do? And also: not doing something I will regret.

What does "right"mean? Right for what? For whom? And how do you know?

"Right" is making sure my decisions are square with two people: me and God.

I am open to counsel from others, but at the end of the day, He and I are the two I am ultimately accountable to.

Well she doesn't want a relationship with me now without her issues addressed, and no I will not decide that the person she is now and the R we have now is enough for me. It is not.

OK, so what are you doing, then?

Being patient, hoping she's "getting there" as she told me.

I DID feel done. But then I ran a little experiment that showed me I'm not ready for someone else right now, so I can't use that tool to facilitate me moving on.

Ummm. Have you realized the flaw in this logic? If you continue to hang on to your XW, do you think you will ever be ready for someone else?

I made a vow...a covenant (not a contract). I don't know what else to say, but her actions have nothing to do with mine.

Also, why do you need that tool to facilitate you moving on? You don't need to move on with someone else to move forward without your XW, do you?

No, I don't. I was angry and pissed and wanted to see if it would help. It was a mistake.

And I also got a kick in the seat of the pants of my morals and values, and that picked me back up again. It woke me back up, so I stood up, went and bought my ducky inner-tube floaty, and am standing on the shore again.

I don't know how you are getting any action from any women wearing this ridiculous ducky thing on your waist, but to each her own, I guess.

But seriously . . . what are your morals and values that are in play here? And when does your happiness become part of that?

Well I certainly can't be happy if I'm violating my morals and values. I have found I can be happy without XW, but I can't be happy if I'm not doing what's right, which for me is standing - especially when we still have such a strong connection.

I am not sure where to draw that line. And maybe it is because I am a woman, and I have a daughter, but I wonder . . . if I were to hang on for 2+ years, while H continues to break my heart, am I teaching her the right thing or the wrong thing?

I fully believe that I am teaching my children the right things. I love their mother. I made a promise to her. As C.S. Lewis put it:

"And, of course, the promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do, about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling in a certain way. He might as well promise never to have a headache or always to feel hungry."
(C.S. Lewis - 1952)

I am teaching them persistence, perseverance, hard work, honoring your word, respecting family, loving throughout really difficult times - even when someone is hurting you, kindness, compassion, faithfulness, goodness, gentleness, self control, humility, and trust in God.

But I can't answer that question for you. Only you can answer that question for you. Though many of our situations are so amazingly alike, they are all still unique.

-PM