I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Hi all,

So, new here. Wife dropped the bomb about 3weeks ago. Although had told me she was unhappy about 1month ago.

Together for 11 years, married for 7 1/2.
no kids, two dogs, 2cats.
We have a house we bought together, with a mortgage.
In May, we tried to have a kid, and she had a miscarriage, her first. It hit her hard.

So, here's my story, hoping I have not already blown it since I have broken many of Sandi's rules.

I had a since something was up with my wife back in December, and I asked what was wrong. She said she was unhappy. She seemed it at the time. She said she did not feel like I liked her as a person. She felt she had given up a lot of herself, things she was interested in, like playing music, hanging out with her friends, and going out. I asked at the time, if she loved me, she said she did, I asked if she was still in love with me, she said she did not know. That she wanted some space to figure it all out, and would talk to a counselor, although at the time she did not want to. I told her then, that I did love her, and like her, and I would be there.

I was blown out of the water by this, and scared I was losing her. That she did not know I liked her as a person, and that she did not know if she was still in love with me, crushed me. I ended up not going to work that day. It was too much for me to try and focus. It was her day off, so I said I would give her space and go do some things, chores. I am very close with my mother, and I called her because I was so upset and did not know what to do. She told me to go home, that while she wanted space, I had just left her home alone, upset and hurting. So I did. I told my W I would try to give her that space, and pretended everything was ok. I could not help but notice that she was starting to keep her cell with her even to bed, and had changed her Facebook, so I could not see everything. I think I caused that a little, because I had also been posting stuff to her wall, loving pictures and messages.

So the days went by, we work opposite schedules, I work nights and she works mornings, both full time. So we don't see each other much. Pretending was relatively easy. However I don't like space, and felt like it was growing. I always have tucked her in with a kiss at night, when I got home. She said I was looking over her, I was, I was trying to see if I could read her expressions, I could not. I started to feel like something more was going on. Her family has an event we go to every year before Christmas, a holiday thing. It was awkward because I felt like they knew something was up. Then we had Christmas at her moms house, and mine parents the day after. It was very awkward at hers. Again, they were not talking to me much, and it felt like they knew something.

After the holidays, I asked if she had started seeing a counselor, she had not, but was going to. Soon after, like Jan2, I something did not feel right. I started snooping, I found a brand new piece of lingerie in her drawer. A day or so later, we had a blizzard. She said corporate was closing all her stores, but that she had a meeting to go to like an hour away. The night before the meeting, she said she was going to bring a change of clothes, to change into once she got there. Kind of made sense, with the snow. But after she went to bed, I noticed the lingerie was gone. The morning of, I asked her not to go, that I thought it was a bad decision. She said she had to and wanted to. When she got home late that night, not normal. I asked her like 20questions, what did she do, where did the meeting happen, etc. Then I asked if she was having an affair. I told her we should do marriage counseling, she said she wanted to see a counselor alone again, so she could sort this out, and did not want to say something to me she might regret. She said she was not. After she went to bed, I looked in her car and found the lingerie.

I waited a few days, but now I was in full snooping mode. A few days later, I was looking for a lighter in her jacket (after she was asleep), and found a pregnancy test that was positive. One of those digital ones, that said she was 1-2 weeks along. We had not been intimate for about 1 1/2 months at that point. I went to her car, and found more test all saying the same. She was pregnant, but not by me. I was kind of relived, because it meant the cheating would come out, and somehow I saw it a little like karma for cheating. The next day, I noticed on Facebook, I was no longer listed as her husband, but as a friend. When I saw her that night, I asked her why she changed that on FB, and she said she did not mean to, that she was just changing privacy settings. I told her I knew what was happening, and what was going on.

She asked what I meant and I told her. I told her I found the test, that I found the lingerie, and that I knew who the guy was. I knew who, because she had talked about wanting to play music with him like 3monthes ago, he was her brothers friend. But then she stopped talking about it. She was mad at first that I looked in her car, but then confessed quickly. She had been seeing him, for about 2weeks, and slept with him 2x, and this had started around Christmas. One of those times being when she had the meeting.

I asked why, she said she did not know. She said she did not think we could work through this. She did not feel she had the passion to try to work through this. She said she also thought she loved him, And that maybe we were holding each other back. That I had made her stop playing her music when we got together and stop doing the things she loved. That I was jealous and treated her as though she was cheating all through our relationship, by questioning her when she was out late, like where she had been. That I expected intimacy from her on a schedule, and that that had turned her off. that she did not feel like being intimate throughout out relationship because she felt like it was expected of her. (We did have a talk when we got married, and I had said that I wanted more, I wanted us to try being intimate more than once a month.) But all this is an exaggeration to me, not to her obviously.

At this time I told her, we are going to marriage counseling. Because with all this out, we need someone now, to help us sort though it. She agreed. We knew it would take a few days to get in to see someone so I told her, lets just play this cool for the next few days until we get in. She agreed and we did, although it was uncomfortable. We went to counseling, and she said the same thing, she did not think we could work through this. The therapist asked if she was planning on continuing the affair, and she said she was. So the therapist, was not much help, because she was like, so I guess you both should see a mediator. I felt like the therapist was not much help. Therapist suggested we stop sleeping in the same bed, as we had been.

So she moved to the spare room. That has been hard. Of course I have been talking to my family for support. I guess that is wrong. When she denied the affair, I started counseling and have continued that. My mom, divorced, has been pressuring me to have W move out. I told W we should consider her living elsewhere, that this was too hard. She cried and said she had no where to go. I asked her, how did you see this playing out, you have been doing this for awhile, what was the end game. You did not consider what you would do. She said she had not, that it was not pre-meditated. I felt bad, and said she could stay for now but we should consider it. I have asked about what she thought we should do next and she said she thought a mediator. But I am the only one who has looked into it. Her mom is also divorced, and it was ugly. I know she is talking to her, and her mom is whispering to her. Like 3 nights ago, I tried pleading with her, asking why she was not fighting for us, that she was making a mistake. I said it all, everything I could. She said she did not know.

Yesterday when I woke, she had left me a note, as we have done every day of our marriage. This one said, she was going to stay elsewhere last night, and would be home today. She said we could talk to night to decide what's better. Am I thinking I will tell her she can stay her. This is after my interpretation of the 40 rules.

I felt the rules have given me some hope. I am going to stop pleading, and focus more on myself. I have cleaned myself up a bit. I am looking at getting into some of the hobbies I use to enjoy and looking at new ones. It is hard because I think since the miscarriage is when she became unhappy. She started getting all sorts of tattoos after that, she had a few before, but she is getting a lot more. Big ones. I think I was not there for her emotionally after it. When we got the house, to afford it, we took these jobs that made it so we don't see each other. Because they paid well. So she was alone. I think the affair, is her acting out, and an easier out. I think she is depressed and I don't think she is getting the help she needs from her family. She says she is seeing a counselor now, but by phone. Which I don't think is as effective as what she needs. I also don't think she sees, what she is doing, and as destructive.
But After finding this site, I printed the rules, I am going to find the book. I have been reading the stories. I am making the choice, that going forward to try following them. I think I needed to vent this. I also think I am looking for hope. She is my best friend, lover, partner, I am willing to try to work through it.

That's enough for now, looking for guidance. I know this is long, but there has been a lot. and venting it even helped.

Thanks