separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[labug]

She lied to me for months that she could NOT SLEEP IN a BED. had to be on the couch due to hip and back pain. I think one of the other folks here has a H that's saying the same kind of things. But, since she left, no problems...W sleeps in a bed.

She told me she HAD TO BE At the BARN all of that time she was. She couldn't sit with us for family meals. After coaching with Jody last December I began Db'ing and one of the things Jody reminded me of was to continue to make family meals even if W would not or would not join US. now that she's out she consistently come and goes from the Barn at hours that are organized and much shorter than when she was home. She no longer "hides" at the barn. Lies....

Yes, she lied and it's not good, we shouldn't do it but I know very few people who don't at some point. There are various excuses, I don't want to get into it, we've talked before nothing changes, I don't want to hurt him, I'm not sure what i want to do right now... But you know what, that's all about her and her inability to address issues.

What can you get from this? Did your W feel safe in coming to you with issues? I don't mean physically safe but did she feel that you would listen in a respectful way? I bolded listen because that's the important verb. We often have our agenda and don't listen, we makes excuses, we whine (men whine, too), we formulate our answer in our head instead of listening, we defend, we try to coerce to our side, any number of things that aren't respectful listening.

I guess if I'm feeling mad and don't want to talk, she may also be feeling things and doesn't want to talk either. part of me wonders if/when we'll actually talk again.

You may not, in any substantive way.

Your experiences prove that sometimes things do work out.

I like to clarify this, things worked out for me long before my H decided to try again. His wanting to be married was/is a good thing but I was very happy as I was.

I am continuing to just work on improving me.

I

I've worked really hard on me (she seems exempt from having to do anything)

We all make choices, you chose to work on you, to become better, she made a different choice. You can't control that.

Do you want to be where she is?