Barrybran II - Six Weeks In

[Barrybran]

I'm just wondering if anyone out there has any ideas about activities with their spouses. My wife has said that our lives are routine and though she understands we have kids to tend to, she wants to add some excitement through the things we do together. She is also impulsive and she goes from sitting on the couch one night to randomly cleaning the entire house the next day. I have no idea what is going through her mind and I am unable to pin her down for a date night.

Has anyone had any success with introducing new activities with an impulsive spouse?0

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

My wife and I took our son to the next major town today to do some school shopping. I felt awkward for much of the day as she seemed agitated this morning and there wasn't a lot of conversation between us. Truth be told, I think she could have done what she had to today without me there but I appreciate the family time anyway. On the way home it was quiet again until the final stretch home when we notice smoke from a major fire about 50km from our home. That turned into a discussion about the 'Wonders of the World' which lead to bucket lists and then theories about the planets. It started out quite disjointed but became quite entertaining towards the end. I'm really out of practice at socialising with my wife. Really out of practice.

On the bright side, I learned some new things about my wife, we achieved what we set out to do today and my son seemed to enjoy some time with us without his sisters around. My wife has four more days off work which I'm a bit apprehensive about as we'll be spending a LOT of time together at home. It's too hot to do anything outside except go to the town pool so we'll be indoors a fair bit... cabin fever really. I'll have to try and come up with some activities on the fly so we'll see how we go.

[Barrybran]

Oh, something that did come up was that she asked what I had told my parents about our situation. No cues, she just asked out of the blue. When she first mentioned separation I had no idea how to handle things and noone to talk to (my wife wasn't interested in talking). My wife said I could tell my parents and I did. I told them about my wife's wish to separate and my infidelities. Apparently, the way I described things to my wife was that I had played down telling my parents about my part in everything. That was an eye opener as I did tell my parents what I did. Since finding DB, I've not mentioned anything to anyone except my wife. Whilst things are awkward at the moment, the proof is in the pudding that DB works and whatever my Dad suggested doesn't.

Something else my wife mentioned was that I was a lot like my Dad. My Dad has been emotionally abusive to my Mum since before I was born. He's aggressive, she's submissive and yet they've been together for 30+ years. There's a lot I don't like about their relationship but they've somehow made it work for them and I can't imagine one without the other anymore. Anyway, my wife told me I had displayed some traits (prior to DB) such as talking down to my wife and criticising her, classic traits of my Dad. Apparently, I've been better (how much, she didn't elaborate) since DB but the conversation was incomplete.

So I'm picking up little things along the way. It's not a barrage of information like when we first discussed our situation in depth but trickles when things are on her mind AND she's willing to tell me. Unfortunately, this has meant a few unfinished conversations now so I've had to roll with the information I have and wait for the stuff I don't know. How I speak to/about my wife was an implied 180 but I guess it's going to be more explicit now.

[Lostforwords]

B-

I would venture that from your earlier posts here, that your wife hit the head on the nail about your discussion with your parents. Even here you mentioned your actions, but didn't really accept responsibility for them (or the effect they had on your situation). Now that is the past though as you have opened your eyes to what happened and the affects that they have had on the relationship. You owned them instead of saying you did them because of x, y, and Z....That is a big deal.

If you see the behavior in your dad and your wife pointed them out in you....Then you can almost guarantee you were doing the same thing as your dad. You grew up in a household were that behavior was acceptable, so to you it was acceptable. You probably didn't even realize your were doing it. This is really DB bread and butter type stuff though. Now that you are changing and working on yourself (looking into the mirror as I like to think)you can work on your communicating skills. These are the type of changes that HAVE to stick. She is probably waiting for you to go back to old behaviors....Be thankful as your wife gave you a big nugget of gold on this one.

Socializing after all this is hard....Just keep working at it. As for the next four days....sounds like a great time for a field trip to the beach or something like that.

As for her impulsiveness...Has your wife been diagnosed with ADD? If she has, you might want to read up on ADD and adult relationships.

[Barrybran]

Haha I wish I lived near a beach! I live about five hours from the nearest beach :p I did write list of activities and gave it to my wife but still haven't received any response. I told her about an idea I found about a 'date night jar' where both spouses write down ideas and draw an idea out of the jar for date night but again, no response. I really don't know how I'm going to tackle this as she admitted today that "planning is overrated" and I'm having trouble reading her moods at the moment. My best guess (and that's really all it is at the moment) is to memorise my list of activities and pull out the most appropriate one at the given moment.

Something I know about myself, and makes a lot of sense within the DB-sphere, is that I work best when I'm 'in the zone', that is, when I do things without thinking. It's automatic. Where I feel it fits with DB is that when you feel good about yourself you just run on autopilot and people flock to you. When you have doubts (as I do with unemployment) life seems to be a lot more work and has no flow to it which is exactly where I am. The other day when I suggested the shave and shower, they weren't good ideas but they were just off the top of my head, yes, even the shower. The next morning, my wife invited me into the shower and it turned into an hour and a half of alone time (thank you children, thank you) with a follow up later in the day. Things seem to have a way of working out when I can let go and just fly with whatever pops into my mind. It's a mental juggling act right now being aware of what my wife needs and wants, trying to subtly get more information out of her, reading her moods AND just letting all of it go, doing my own thing and going with the flow.

As for the ADD, it's definitely not something that's crossed my mind. What makes you suggest that?

[Lostforwords]

Of course don't mention this to your wife, but a couple things do;

1- You have mentioned many times that she is very impulsive. Not just in the "I like that dress so let's buy it" type impulse, but in a lot of areas.

2- She seems to lose focus quickly....Like so many of your conversations are unfinished. You two seem to do that a lot, almost like she loses focus on the conversation and moves on to her next focus item.

3- Hyper focus....Not as much, but a few times it has seemed she has become hyperfocused on one thing.

I may be wrong as it was just a thought, but communicating with an ADD person is a little bit different. Not bad, but just different.

As for the planning and date jar....good ideas, but I am getting the feeling your wife wants you take a bit of control. You make the plans and get things lined up.....What feels like a good activity for tomorrow? Then just do it.

[Barrybran]

I hadn't thought of it like that before. I'm not sure what to do about that but I might have a read and see what I find.

I really liked the date jar idea but I have a feeling you're right about wanting me to take control. She's gone out to visit a friend today but I'm thinking of packing a breakfast picnic and heading to the park tomorrow. We'll see how the rest of the day goes first.

[Barrybran]

Something I'm wondering if anyone has any opinion on... I live in a town of 3,000 people. There is no work here. The only job I had came down to who I knew (my wife) and I've applied for three jobs where the job had already been allocated but policy dictated that the jobs had to be advertised and a process followed (small town, you find things out). This has been extremely demoralising and has lead to me taking jobs in my native state (other side of the country).

The most recent job was the icing on the cake as far as my situation is concerned. We were just too far apart. We're in a position now where I need to find anything but there's nothing to be found. A number of positions have come up in the nearby major towns, nothing I'll get as the advertisers are looking for school leavers (reading between the lines) but I want to throw my hat in the ring anyway. My wife has spoken about moving recently but I haven't taken her seriously (I listened and validated but I feel she was just thinking aloud).

If I were to apply for and get one of these jobs I'd be looking at between a 1-2 hour commute each way, each day, or finding a cheap bed (hostel) for 3-4 nights and spending the weekend at home (staying near work would save money on fuel and it's a lot safer than travelling every day).

I want to be home every night. That's my goal. At the same time, I understand full well that at some point I may have to just suck it up and find work somewhere and these jobs allow me to be away from home for 3-4 nights at a time instead of the 3-4 weeks of the jobs I have been doing the past few years and the 6 months I was away for the last job (I didn't see the kids for 4 months).

Our financial position will improve greatly in July (tax time) but that relies on government assistance. I don't want to rely on that (I'm willing and able to work, there's just no work plus I think it sets a bad example for the kids) and six months of potential unemployment will do my head in.

I'm wondering if anyone else here has been caught in a position where they've been trying to improve their marriage but have had to take work away from home, or whether they declined it and toughed it out with the finances, and how they dealt with the consequences regarding their marriage of the path they chose.

[Barrybran]

Journaling:

I have a lot of thoughts tonight. I'm incredibly confused about my situation. My wife is doing things with me she knows I want though she wasn't interested in and then saying she doesn't know that she wants us to be an "us". She tells me she wants more variety in our lives and then goes and plans her own activities anyway. I'm trying to find work and there's nothing around. I need to find my own life and yet we have no spare money, we live in a small town and it's too bloody hot outside to do anything. It's really frustrating.

As I said, I have a tonne of thoughts but I'm finding it hard to articulate them at the moment.

[Lostforwords]

B-,

Disclaimer- 2x4's coming

Slow down, you are like a sports car in the snow....You are spinning your wheels really fast and going nowhere.

First, your are listening to what she has said, not hearing. On top of that, you aren't seeing that her actions are different than her words (That isn't DB man, that is women in general...You know they are from Venus and we are from Mars). You need to stop focusing on what she says and does and go with the flow. It is good she has her own activities....actually very healthy. The problem, as I see it, is you are dependent on her for any happiness, not gal'ing enough, making a ton of excuses, and generally miserable. I like you B, I really do, but things need to change on your end.

Before I continue on with what I see, let's discuss the job;

1- What is tying you to this small town?

2- Why can't you find a job in this small town? Are you tucking in your pride and looking for any type of work or just picking the best work for you?

3- Are you prepared to leave the kids for six months or 3-4 nights a week?

4- Is the pay good enough to cover gas, hotels, food, daycare, etc?

5- Do you think your wife could relocate her position within the company?

6-Do you think two paychecks is more important that having a parent home with the kids all the time?

7- Have you done a budget breakdown and figured out how much money your household would need to operate efficiently?

8- (ties into 7) Could a part time job make enough money to help with bills?

9- Side question....What do you actually do? What are you trained for?

For the moment, let's focus on this job situation. Understand that you live in Australia and I live in the states.....So things are different LOL.