AS, I agree with you. I'm an anxious about the friend zone too. W's much needed surgery hasn't been the sexiest thing to ever happen to us! I will continue to keep my eye on the issue.
Val! So glad to hear from you! To answer the question: W was more dominant. And I think it's a good question and flows into the "friend zone" danger that AS brought up.
As I sit here and think about it, W was always more dominant in respect to initiation. Now, xOW... super dominant. I know her and her ex-W well enough to have figured that out. I wouldn't be surprised at all if it's one of the things my W was attracted to in the A. She hasn't stated as much (I'm not mind-reading.. really... just trying to examine), but I believe it's a valid possibility that I need to be prepared to hear and 180 on for W if she needs that.
The sex issue/non-issue is it's own entity. I'll figure it out. I'm really just going to have to talk openly with her at a later date. But the lying... ugghhhh! Boundary violation.
W said something that in the moment, I took as cheating spouse justification spew, so I ignored it, but I have been sitting with it and contemplating it's validity in weening off an affair:
She said, (paraphrased) 'I know in the past I have had a huge problem lying to you. And I did this time too, but I have been really honest and the one time I mess up I get caught. Now I feel like you're not going to believe me ever again...
(And here's the thing I (RT) am questioning...)she continued with, 'I have lied to both of you for so long it's habit in my communication. Just like you said we need to be more clear and empathetic when we communicate, I have to turn off this lying reaction and it's been hard.'
A lot of it sounds like WAS excuse/justification/fear of being caught... but the last part about habit and lying for so long (remembering the length of the A), that I'm curious if there is validity to it as part of W learning to trust me with her truth again... as odd as that sounds. She had her own fears while in her A. She even stated the fears of me finding out and losing me. So the knee-jerk, affair condition habit to lie to me is signaling that W is afraid... of something. But what?
A- the A is still on underground B- that her truth (whatever that is) will hurt me C- she likes cake. And we know she does! I may rename her Betty... (Crocker)
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
