PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[PatientMan]

melissag, thanks for your response.

What is your W doing to fix herself? From your posts, I see nothing.

She is averse to counseling for some reason. I haven't pushed it, but I've encouraged it a couple of times.

She seems to be one of those people who thinks times heals all wounds. To anyone reading this who thinks that way, I hate to break it to you, but you're wrong.

Hard work can heal wounds. Acceptance can heal wounds. Neosporin can heal wounds.

But time?

Time is just a force that can be resisted. It is a force that can wear us down so that we come to a place of acceptance. It is a force that can wear us down so that the pain motivates us to do the hard work. But time itself is a force that the stubborn can resist.

So I'm not sure what, on the current path, will make this pattern (she gets closer, then she moves farther away, your heart is broken, you decide to set boundaries, she moves closer, and on and on) ever end. It certainly doesn't seem like she is doing anything to end it. So I guess it is up to you whether you want it to end. Is it worth the risk?

This is the first time we have actively set boundaries, but yes, she comes at me in waves: closing in and then receding. But as I said, the tide seems to be coming in and the waves are getting closer.

It's certainly possible, though, that where I am on the shore, the tide may never reach.

Something I have seen posted quite a bit around here is the LBS needing to get out of the WAS's way, so that the WAS can have his/her own "journey." I think you are still in her way. And yes, it is because she is pulling you in, but regardless of how it happens, will she ever be able to figure herself out/fix herself/know that she is okay on her own if you are always around and available?

That's what I told her when she first hugged me post-boundary setting. "If hugging you is going to set you back, then I don't want to hug you." Her response was that it wasn't setting her back, and that she's "getting there."

But maybe she is just saying that because she is afraid of losing me.

Or she just really wanted her hug, her fix.

Also, your W has never had to miss you.

In her words she misses me all the time, fights the urge to call me or text me, etc., but I get what you mean. REALLY miss me...as in, I won't be there for her for support, which is what you are about to explain...

You have always been there for her. And while I think that's great that you have always been there for her, she doesn't seem to appreciate it in the way you want her to. It's nice for her to know that she doesn't have to do anything that is uncomfortable for her, because you will always be there. But if she doesn't do anything uncomfortable, she will never change or grow, and, correct me if I am wrong, but it doesn't seem that you can have any sort of meaningful R with her unless she does some growing.

Good point, and I agree.

How do I force her to grow? I certainly can't. I can reject her, but that seems awful. Why should *I* be the one to enforce her boundaries? Boundaries are for me, and as you said, the WAS is supposed to be on his or her own journey. I shouldn't be making decisions for them, on their behalf. I am not her parent.

So what do I do?

• Do I try and figure out a way to reject her without hurting her feelings?
• Do I just let her do her thing and figure out how to keep my guard up?
• Do I keep a separate set of rules - one for me and one for her?

I don't think anyone will tell you to enforce boundaries you don't want. Since the boundaries are for you, you get to decide what they are. The question is, do you remember how you felt a few weeks ago when you set those boundaries, and why? If you are willing to risk feeling like that once again, then that's your choice, right? Only you will know when you have had enough.

I do want to point out one thing, though . . . perhaps you need a 180 in your present R with your W.

The boundaries are supposed to be the 180. But if she won't enforce them on her end, then what's the point?

Because, based on your posts, it seems as though you two have been doing this same thing for a very long time, and getting the same undesirable (for you) results again and again.

The tide is coming in.

I think.

I'm tired.

-PM