PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[melissag]

Hi PM, your sitch is so frustrating for me to read about . . . I can't imagine what it must be like to live it.

I think what it comes down to is, what you can handle. Is there some way to continue hanging on to your W, and following along with her ups and downs, moving closer and then backing away, while still protecting yourself emotionally? Not that I can fathom.

Standing for your M is pretty much putting your heart on the line and hoping it doesn't get continually smashed into pieces. Sometimes I think that it would be easier to have a WAS who just annihilates the LBS all at once, then disappears forever. Because then there is not that constant need to decide how much is enough.

What is your W doing to fix herself? From your posts, I see nothing. So I'm not sure what, on the current path, will make this pattern (she gets closer, then she moves farther away, your heart is broken, you decide to set boundaries, she moves closer, and on and on) ever end. It certainly doesn't seem like she is doing anything to end it. So I guess it is up to you whether you want it to end. Is it worth the risk?

Something I have seen posted quite a bit around here is the LBS needing to get out of the WAS's way, so that the WAS can have his/her own "journey." I think you are still in her way. And yes, it is because she is pulling you in, but regardless of how it happens, will she ever be able to figure herself out/fix herself/know that she is okay on her own if you are always around and available?

Also, your W has never had to miss you. You have always been there for her. And while I think that's great that you have always been there for her, she doesn't seem to appreciate it in the way you want her to. It's nice for her to know that she doesn't have to do anything that is uncomfortable for her, because you will always be there. But if she doesn't do anything uncomfortable, she will never change or grow, and, correct me if I am wrong, but it doesn't seem that you can have any sort of meaningful R with her unless she does some growing.

I don't think anyone will tell you to enforce boundaries you don't want. Since the boundaries are for you, you get to decide what they are. The question is, do you remember how you felt a few weeks ago when you set those boundaries, and why? If you are willing to risk feeling like that once again, then that's your choice, right? Only you will know when you have had enough.

I do want to point out one thing, though . . . perhaps you need a 180 in your present R with your W. Because, based on your posts, it seems as though you two have been doing this same thing for a very long time, and getting the same undesirable (for you) results again and again.