PatientMan - 6th Edition - Acting Divorced

[PatientMan]

Well...XW is kind of reverting back to pre-holiday behavior. Not quite as much as she was, but I dropped the girls off yesterday after my weekend with them and she was just acting different (good) again.

It's so confusing, and I'm pretty sure the response here is going to be that the boundaries are in place to protect *me*, so I need to ensure they're enforced.

The confusing thing is the mixed signals. She's trying so hard to make it on her own, and she isn't successfully accomplishing that right now - at the very least, financially.

And based on her massaging of the boundaries we established just two weeks ago my GUESS is that she is not doing well emotionally either and is reverting back to her old ways of coping: the occasional hit off of the PatientMan bong to dull the pain for a little while.

So, what happened yesterday:

1) She had some vehicles pulled up on her laptop (she is looking for a less expensive car payment) and asked me to look at them as she values my input on that kind of thing. Her laptop was on the coffee table, so I sat down next to her. About 3 minutes in I realized that both of our legs were touching quite a bit. I don't think either one of us did it intentionally, but I noticed and pointed it out. She said she didn't notice it either and asked if it bothered me. I said, "no it's fine...I just think it's odd/interesting that this is what naturally happens when we sit next to each other."

2) I was saying goodbye to the girls individually, and they were upset, especially D10. XW asked me to stick around for a while. (Her boundary of not wanting me in the house much to establish that as her space; my boundary of not hanging out with her.)

3) She asked for another hug. Added in the step up onto my boots thing she likes to do.

So...

Obviously I am confused. The boundaries she was so sure of just two weeks ago she - I wouldn't say isn't disrespecting - I would say she has found she doesn't like them. To slip into mind-reading and conjecture:

1) She's just having a hard time and slipping back into her old habits of coping. However, using a previous metaphor, as the waves of her behavior come in near me then recede over time, the trend is that the tide is coming in.

2) She has said that she cannot move forward in a MR with me until she is okay on her own. This is the "blueprint" I have spoken about before, almost as though she is telling me that she knows she wants me, but has to deal with fixing herself first. And if I'm just patient and help her get there, THEN we can move forward.

3) I'm just a familiar coping mechanism. She isn't looking for anyone else right now, but if someone else comes along or she begins to look, she'll drop me like a sack of potatoes.

4) Unknown

People who are in love sometimes blind themselves to certain things that are obvious to others, but I very highly doubt it's #3. And that isn't to say that over time, #3 couldn't happen. Some great guy could meet her and sweep her off of her feet, and without the baggage it could be a very attractive option for her.

So these boundaries that are set up to protect me...I think it's obvious to anyone who follows along with me that it is my head doing the leading here now. I was really hurt when she pushed away this last time over Christmas, and my head and heart were in tandem for a little while, but now the boundaries are my head telling me I need to do these things so I can fall OUT of love with her and stop getting hurt.

But that isn't what my heart wants.

I don't want to live my life with regret (I have enough of those), and if I give up...if I quit just so I can feel better...I am positive that's something I'm going to end up regretting.

Continuing to stand for 2+ years led to a lot of heartache and heartbreak. If I choose to continue to stand, I can keep going through this or I can try and figure out a way to protect myself better...keep the gloves up to protect my heart. For 15 years she's had me by the ventricles.

I'm a smart guy, and you're all smart people looking at this sitch objectively. How do I continue to do this dance with her and still protect myself?

Looking back, I let my guard down without even knowing it. In fact, sometimes I am convinced my guard is still up and I learn the hard way that it very much isn't.

I guess my next question is, am I too focused on her and her well-being? I want her to be okay...not for me, just for her. She's the mother of my children and she needs to be okay regardless of our future.

She tells me she needs space so I give it to her, and then she can't seem to stand it so she closes the gap. Should I enforce the gap, or welcome the closing in?

My world isn't spinning or anything, I am just uncertain about how to deal with this present situation. There isn't a whole lot I am uncertain about, so it's an odd feeling.

While all this is going around in my brain I am focusing mostly on the kids and showing her a PMA when I see her.

-PM