Interesting, Bea. I do believe that my xh's illness stems from childhood. From what he shared with me it was quite abusive and full of uncertainty and abandonment. He and his sister are very similar. They are both robotic and void of any real emotions. Even though she has been in a long term, live-in relationship she, like xh, maintains a P.O. Box. I didn't spend a lot of time with her during our marriage, but was aware that she suffers from panic attacks and depression.
From my experience it does seem that people with personality disorders can have moments to maybe years where they exhibit normal behavior patterns. When the boys were little xh was more involved and did things with them during their elementary years that seemed genuinely loving. Seeing him with the boys kept me hanging on and believing that he would change and be the person we needed all of the time. His moments of selflessness and affection melted my heart.
Most of the time, though, I was exasperated and hurt by xh's behavior. I felt abandoned. When I voiced how I felt I was invalidated by him. So were the boys as they got older. I was repeatedly told I was crazy and didn't know what I was talking about. At times I felt very, very used and neglected. I was anxious, walking on egg shells, quite aware that if I said the wrong thing I would trigger a reaction in xh that would leave me feeling hurt, abandoned and threaten my security.
Part of looking back and understanding the truth is seeing who I was and what I was searching for at the time we met. While I had a full life with family, friends, job, etc. I was not a whole person. Acknowledging who I was and what I was lacking was essential to healing and moving forward.
