NLW, your mediation experience is what I anticipate will happen. After all, my xh has done no personal growth as far as I can tell. He's always stormed out of a room, hung up the phone or resorted to put downs when I feel differently then he does. Going the legal route I will get something resembling fair, but going into mediation I will have to give something up. As it stands, xh has everything to gain in mediation. Anything he can get me to agree to is better then he will get in court. I just want to be done with this and was hoping mediation was the answer, but seeing how xh was creating his list of demands I quickly realized that it will be a waste of time. He won't be able to cope and complete the process. After all, he did leave me without a moments notice due to lack of coping skills. What was I thinking?
Since my xh left, fled actually, I have learned a lot about his behavior and how it contributed to the breakdown of our marriage. He isn't in MLC, although it seemed like that due to his age and precipitating factors. No, my xh has a personality disorder. He has a personality disorder and has sociopathic behavior. He uses people and lies to get what he wants.
How did I not see this before? Because I was stuck in a insidious cycle of abuse that started when I was in my early 20's and continues to this day. I wonder how many other WAS's actually fit a similar description.
I've learned that people like my xh leave a relationship without notice and never look back. It's easy for them because they were never attached. However, they can't be alone and either have someone before they leave or quickly get into a relationship. They need allies so they bash the person the left, telling everyone that they're "crazy." They blame their victims and use justification for their actions. They have a strong sense of entitlement. They are the victims. They will lie, sneak, cheat, even commit fraud to get what they want.
When the person leaves they create desperation in their partner who begs and pleads and makes promises to get them back. They are narcissistic and egocentric so the LBS's behavior is just the kind of attention they crave.
These people destroy others emotionally and financially. Surprisingly, it's not uncommon for them to be in long-term relationships. However, they are always ready to flee. My xh has a P.O. box. He's probably had it for years. He's maintained it even though he's bought a home with OW. Interesting.
The Jekyll and Hyde behavior is typical. They act nice, accommodating and are seemingly cooperative until you stand up for yourself. Then the spew starts. This is a perpetual cycle.
It seems that quite a few WAS's show some or all of these characteristics. I'm hardly an expert, but I wanted to share my experience for what it's worth. My xh is a fraud. He never loved me. He can't. It felt like love at times, but it wasn't. We were together over two decades and during that time he eroded my sense of self and destroyed my soul. I'm still working on rebuilding myself.
If any of this sounds familiar, please educate yourself and protect yourself and your children emotionally, physically and financially.
I have often wondered if H is truly MLC or if he is just a narcissist with a personality disorder? Even his family says this is behavior that had laid dormant for all the years we were together. They genuinely believed I brought out the best in him. Did he ever love me? Was he using me this whole time? Does it really matter anymore?
How do you protect the children? My S sees his dad for what he is. But he still loves his dad and it makes me sad that H will never be the dad the kids want or deserve. It makes me angry. One that H isn't capable of being what the kids deserve and two that I picked this man so somehow I failed the kids as well too.
Does research do any good? Honestly I am at a point where things just are what they are and explanations just do no good whatsoever.
WH
AT BD: WH 41, J 43; Bomb 2/5/2012 Two kids, one dog D Final 6/18/14 J marries OW 1/24/15 "No matter where you go, there you are"
WH, only you know what you need to do. I posted the information for anyone who might need it. If you don't, I'm glad.
I needed to understand what happened to me so that I could recover. I also don't want to be a victim of abuse. The games my xh has played during the D are just more of the same. At first, I didn't understand how he couldn't try and hurt me for financial gain. Didn't he care enough about his own children? The answer is no. He wants their attention in a narcissistic way. He used them just like he used me. My kids are teenagers and figured out a long time ago that their dad is not who they thought. He's a manipulator. He won't have contact with them again unless he has had extensive therapy. That's not going to happen. He's more likely to commit suicide and leave a note blaming me. He's not well, but doesn't have the ability to see that. I'm just staying out of the way.
GM, I have wondered at times if my xh always had a personality disorder Now however, after reading and researching it (not as much as you) I believe that many people who exhibit MLC behaviour maybe had it latently
My xh truly was a nice and kind man and a good father for many years. He could be difficult, and exhibit passive aggressive behaviour, although this is a learned pattern from both of his parents, but overall, not the man he has become.
I do agree however, that a proportion of LBS come to see that the behaviour was always there, that they are the latest 'victims' of this pattern.
However, I do think that the roots of personality disorder, like MLC are laid in early childhood, and become increasingly evident, unless the person is able to seek and receive appropriate help. Jekyll and Hyde describes it perfectly. Perhaps the true sociopath is better at concealing the 'Mr Hyde' aspects. With the MLCer it is evident to all.
In either case, MLC or on-going personalty disorder, we need to protect ourself and our assets, and most of all, the emotional well being of our children.
Interesting, Bea. I do believe that my xh's illness stems from childhood. From what he shared with me it was quite abusive and full of uncertainty and abandonment. He and his sister are very similar. They are both robotic and void of any real emotions. Even though she has been in a long term, live-in relationship she, like xh, maintains a P.O. Box. I didn't spend a lot of time with her during our marriage, but was aware that she suffers from panic attacks and depression.
From my experience it does seem that people with personality disorders can have moments to maybe years where they exhibit normal behavior patterns. When the boys were little xh was more involved and did things with them during their elementary years that seemed genuinely loving. Seeing him with the boys kept me hanging on and believing that he would change and be the person we needed all of the time. His moments of selflessness and affection melted my heart.
Most of the time, though, I was exasperated and hurt by xh's behavior. I felt abandoned. When I voiced how I felt I was invalidated by him. So were the boys as they got older. I was repeatedly told I was crazy and didn't know what I was talking about. At times I felt very, very used and neglected. I was anxious, walking on egg shells, quite aware that if I said the wrong thing I would trigger a reaction in xh that would leave me feeling hurt, abandoned and threaten my security.
Part of looking back and understanding the truth is seeing who I was and what I was searching for at the time we met. While I had a full life with family, friends, job, etc. I was not a whole person. Acknowledging who I was and what I was lacking was essential to healing and moving forward.
The flip side, Beatrice, is that almost ALL MLCers LOOK like they have a personality disorder while they're going through MLC. However, they were NOT disordered before and do NOT end up disordered afterwards. So if you have a spouse who was truly a good spouse, and just looks like a borderline personality disorder or sociopath or whatever during their MLC crisis, odds are they will return to normal when it's over. A temporary loss of empathy seems to be particularly common in MLC.
On the other hand, there ARE sociopaths/BPDs/narcissists out there, and some LBSs will come to the eventual conclusion that this has been going on throughout their marriage.
The trick is to figure out if it's always been that way, indicating you as the LBS are lucky and need to figure out how to do better...or, if they were not always that way and will later change to a whole person.
Time will tell, right?
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I think it is foolish and dangerous to paint all MLCers with one broad brush as a bunch of no-good narcissists. Many do come out of the experience much stronger and integrated...like rH and Raine's husbands. Not to mention moi.
This is why I stress that the MLC journey is as individualistic as the person going through it as you all well know.
