separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

Thanks M. I decided to post using my kindle today. Spelling is fun. Nothing I do is making anything change with the level of contact. So not saying things feels betterat the moment. I believe W could possibly live just like this for a long time. I am not interested in doing this indefinately. We will see I guess. Six weeks isn't long I suppose.

[melissag]

Paul, FWIW, my DB coach told me just before my H moved out that it would probably take a few months at least for the novelty to wear off. It makes sense. Right now your W is probably just relieved to be out and away from whatever it was she perceived was making her miserable.

When you say you aren't interested in doing this indefinitely, what do you mean? Sometimes I get frustrated and think screw this, I'm done. But then when I think about what that means, as a practical matter, it means nothing. Regardless of what my H does or says, I need to continue living my life. I did realize at one point that I was still living my life in limbo - everything I did was talking into account the possibility that H might come back. I am started to push past that. And it makes me feel better. I don't feel like I am constantly waiting on my H, what is he going to say, do, etc. I have plans for the future without him. It makes me feel less in limbo and out of control.

What would you do differently, if you knew your W was never coming back?

[paul19510]

Hi M! As of yesterday I started to change my thoughts too on how to act. I am living as if she's. Never coming home. I miss companionship. That cant be addressed in this limbo state. But its early and I'm. Not really ready to take on a R so., I guess just live and keep moving. I keep telling myself she's. Never coming home. When I want to pursue or contact I remind myself that she has not reached out to me at all in a casual manner since leaving. So if that wereanynofher friend, I wouldn't be calling them to reach out. So, the same holds true for W.

My dinner partner last night reminded me that since we've had some kind of contact each week and W is really looking to unplug, my situation could easily be resetting each time W sees text email or gets a call. She thinks Ha he's. Still there! Then she doesn't have to do anything. So, I really need to sit back more and see how that goes. Its difficult but getting easier each day.

[paul19510]

Journal: My workout this morning was good. My initial weight loss after BD is reversing. My body is beginning to heal. I got to sleep in an extra 30 minutes b/c the kids are off school for MLK day. I took a picture of the sunrise and posted it to f/b for friends. People have responded positively to my friendly messages of late. Its a way for me to stay in touch.

Growth note: today I got Donuts for the kids. I drove past W's barn to go to the store and (only a half mile from house) she was there. I thought about adding two of her favorite ones to the order and leaving them in her truck or taking them in to her. I didn't do that. I understand now, that in doing so, I expect her to thank me or to talk with me. That makes it clearly a pursuit.

W is off work today and will be in my area. She has not contacted me in any friendly or casual way since leaving. She pulls into the driveway and leaves her barn trash in the trash can or drops kids off or picks them up. She does not say hello to me or make any attempt to speak with me. So, taking her food this morning is not helpful to anything. I wouldn't do that for anyone else that is acting this way with me.

My patience with this situation is sometimes better than others. I do feel good that I didn't allow myself to be rejected today. That is something positive from this experience. I hope for contact and changes sometime. this level of limbo is unpleasant for me. I am however living my life and moving forward as if she's never coming home.

I felt sad that I can't even share a donut and with her due to al this. all of the wasted times we are passing by will never be there again. S12 has had 40 hockey games and she saw 1. D13 has had 5 hockey games and she's never seen any. The people from the teams would have welcomed her and made room. so sometimes I feel sad for the loss of these things....I am saying that here so I can get it out. thanks for reading

[paul19510]

Quick add on note. For some reason today. I am bothered by the urge to explain to W the way I see what I would like to see our life be.

I wish we could enjoy the kids doing what they love, spend time together as a couple and enjoy a close relationship with love and laughter. I know telling her that won't mean anything. The email would go to the trash, the text would go un answered, the phone call would be met with blank responses like yeah, uh huh, we' ll see....followedd by the hollow and cliche statement...."i need to find myself...." I don't think she even knows what that means. Its so maddening some days. Oh well, enough ofnmy venting. Back to work!

[labug]

Hi Paul, I brought this over from Melissa's thread:

Rejection is so much fun. And year after year of it does wonders for you self esteem. Agree?

I know you were being facetious but I think there's more there. It hit me as really sad.

Rejection isn't fun, it's very hurtful but my question is, if you were feeling it all those years, what did you do about it? If you've read many of my answers here, I'm usually encouraging people to take control of their lives, don't let others control you.

Self-esteem goes along with that. People can't give it to us or take it away, we have to be complicit in that, we give our power away. You've probably heard the expression "You can't be a doormat if you don't lay down."

You're only a victim if you want to be.

Do you believe that to be true?

I'm not trying to kick you while you're down and I don't even feel this is a 2x4. If you can give your power away you can also take it back.

How might you do that?

[paul19510]

Hi Bug! That's. A great post. Thank you! You are not kicking me while I'm down. I did give W power over that but should not have. Negative reinforcement year after year didn't help.

What did I do about it? I went out a GAL. I found friends who enjoyed the things I liked too. I also continued to stay active in my kids equestrian stuff, but during my time at shows with them, W was often distant or demeaning. I stopped going to shows with them after too many conversations about this with W.
I tried to take control of my life and during this quiet I certainly am using this gift to remember who I am and to remind myself never to give that person up again. No matter what comes.

I was enmeshed in my M and I lost myself. I thought if I just tried harder to be a better man a better H it'd. All work out. I was wrong.

[paul19510]

For some reason ditch is really on my mind today. Perhaps b.c W isnparked acrross street again. Keep playing things in my head I wish I could say. Does this happen to anyone else?

[paul19510]

Update : my ss called. Hes 26 and lives with my IL. Has since he was 18 and left in a big huff. He was asking me how to do something with a PC he got 2nd hand to hook it up to wireless.n so I told him. Before we got off the phone inasked if we could set up a chacento get breakfast 1 time per month. I asked that he tell no one as he currently lives with W and I don't. Want any issues from this. He agreed. We have had a rough R and I know it always bothered W. His dad walked out on them b4 He was born and never looked back. Inraised him since he was 9. But he was a handful and I was niave. So very rocky R. In the fall before BD I reached out to him to clear the air. He toldnme it wasn't allnmy fault and he was sorry too. Then W and I split so that whole thing took a back seat to this.

I feel.stony enough noe to continue with the repair. I told him when we started our family 17 years ago that he was my child too. I reminded him of that today and he thanked me. This situation has been good fornmy growth in many ways. I'm not sure inwoild have taken this step without the growth ive gone thrum in the past couple months.

[paul19510]

Can't. Sleep. Anger is washing over me. I realize how many things were just lies. This is part of the process. Its not fun. The gym will be good for me today. Have to be up in an hour. Mad about that too.