separated 6 weeks still on the journey

[paul19510]

Journal: My workout this morning was good. My initial weight loss after BD is reversing. My body is beginning to heal. I got to sleep in an extra 30 minutes b/c the kids are off school for MLK day. I took a picture of the sunrise and posted it to f/b for friends. People have responded positively to my friendly messages of late. Its a way for me to stay in touch.

Growth note: today I got Donuts for the kids. I drove past W's barn to go to the store and (only a half mile from house) she was there. I thought about adding two of her favorite ones to the order and leaving them in her truck or taking them in to her. I didn't do that. I understand now, that in doing so, I expect her to thank me or to talk with me. That makes it clearly a pursuit.

W is off work today and will be in my area. She has not contacted me in any friendly or casual way since leaving. She pulls into the driveway and leaves her barn trash in the trash can or drops kids off or picks them up. She does not say hello to me or make any attempt to speak with me. So, taking her food this morning is not helpful to anything. I wouldn't do that for anyone else that is acting this way with me.

My patience with this situation is sometimes better than others. I do feel good that I didn't allow myself to be rejected today. That is something positive from this experience. I hope for contact and changes sometime. this level of limbo is unpleasant for me. I am however living my life and moving forward as if she's never coming home.

I felt sad that I can't even share a donut and with her due to al this. all of the wasted times we are passing by will never be there again. S12 has had 40 hockey games and she saw 1. D13 has had 5 hockey games and she's never seen any. The people from the teams would have welcomed her and made room. so sometimes I feel sad for the loss of these things....I am saying that here so I can get it out. thanks for reading