Hoping to still move forward, huge setback

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LTH, this is what I am wondering. Do just have to be patient with this? I feel like she doesn't want to "own" it? It gets me upset because I feel like she is blaming the affair on me. I wish she would say, "yes you did what you did, but I still made my choices to have an affair and that was wrong"

My H felt the same way, that I was blaming him for my A. I never blamed him for it but I know that by trying to get him to understand why I did it, he felt as if I was blaming him and it came across as blame. I also never thought I was justifying it when I really was. For example, he would say "I can't believe you had an A, I would never do that" and I would try to get him to understand all of the things I had done to change our M before it happened. At the time, I thought, "if I just keep saying it he will understand how hurt, lonely and broken I was but he was hearing "it's your fault I did it".

It's hard to explain and it is why I wrote what I did on Jon's page...the entire burden feels as if it is on you, the cheater, and that whatever the other person did doesn't matter at all. As the cheater, you are standing there screaming (literally or figuratively), "Hey, wait a minute, what about everything you did to me? That no longer matters because I cheated?" I wanted to hear my husband say "I am sorry. I know I wasn't there for you and I understand why you did what you did". He actually did say it but it was lip service and that was very clear by his actions and by the fact that he kept bringing it up and blaming me. Understanding why someone did something does not mean you condone or agree with it. I, too, felt as if we were not in a relationship and truly thought my H didn't care if stayed or not. I didn't want a divorce but I didn't want to be alone anymore. Not a good choice at all, it just seemed like one at the time. If the cheater doesn't feel their S understands how and why this happened, they are just blamed, they are the one who has to do all of the work to make it better. Even when you want to, it's a tough place to come from because you may never really get what you need from your S, which is true forgiveness, true understanding of just how alone and vulnerable you were to even make that decision and equal footing in repairing the damage.

What I am trying to say in response to your feeling that she doesn't want to 'own' it is that I don't think that is true. I think she still feels you don't understand how hurt and devastated she was and she is trying to get it through to you. Once I apologized to my H when I really understood and didn't justify, I quit looking for him to 'own it' and to 'get it'. Believe me, she gets it, she just might be talking about it with the wrong words. If her actions show you she is serious about your M, she is working towards a better M, will it matter to you if the words she uses don't ever match what you are expecting? (Use my example above, I was blaming and H took it as blame but I THOUGHT I was saying something completely different.) As for sex, what you have posted about your counseling experience and her opening up about basically being abandoned by both parents and then feeling the same about you, it is easy to see how she is trying to move forward but, at the same time, protect herself from feeling abandoned again. Those cheated on forget that the cheater also needs to build trust in their S again because they were deeply hurt and let down by you prior to their A.

I think you are lucky to have found what appears to be a great therapist and I hope that as you continue to work through this, she will be able to give you the physical love and affection you need and deserve.