I hope it's not too late, because I'm afraid it is

[allofus]

Hello, I'm new here. Guess I'm stating the obvious since I'm posting in this thread. lol

It's been a rough couple of months for me. A lot of things I didn't see coming, some I did. My wife and I have been together for the better part of 14 years now. Married for the last 10. We have three young boys, 7,4,3. We had celebrated our 10 year anniversary on september 27, 2013. Things were going very well for us. We sold our two bedroom townhouse in october 2013 and moved in with her parents. Things seemed to be ok, considering the circumstance and the stress of living in a place neither of us really wanted to be, but it was a necessary move for financial reasons. Our commutes got longer to and from work because of the move.

I'm not sure where things started to drift apart for her, but she asked me for a divorce on novemeber 24th. Right before thanksgiving. The day before thanksgiving I got laid off from my job. We were suppose to go to my family for thanksgiving and she decided to not to go. I took the boys with me. After I returned, I slept on the couch in the basement for the next few days. We didn't talk much at all.

December 1st is when I moved out. I went and stayed with a couple of friends nearby so I could be close for the boys. After a few days, we talked on the phone and agreed that I would move back to keep things "normal" for the boys through the holidays. It was tough, but we made it through. We had good days and bad days. Some days it seemed as though we would be able to work things out somehow and others it was as if I should have never come back.

After the New Year, she approached me to talk about things. She brought up the idea of going to discernment counseling to see if we could work things out and I agreed. We each had initial phone consultations and agreed that we would do the counseling. The counselor that I spoke to referred the Divorce Remedy to me and I started reading the first chapter online. When my wife came back I was still reading it and she asked about it and asked if I was going to get it. I said I was and she read the first chapter that night. She did say she would like to read it as well. A day later she told me that she did not want to do the counseling and that she wanted the divorce. I'm reading the book anyway.

Before the book arrived (and I later found out the mistake I made) I asked her to reconsider her decision to get the counseling. She said she felt like she was backed into a corner and felt trapped. We got passed that part of it and continued to talk about why this was happening and it stems from years of unresolved issues. Some little things and one big thing.

As embarrassing as it is, I'm going to throw out the big issue. We had problems getting pregnant. With our first child, we were about to start artificial insemination treatments and were surprised to find out that she was pregnant without it. We were over the moon that we were going to have our first child. When he was about 2 we started trying again. Our sex life was good until then. It started to become mechanical, orchestrated, a chore and not fun, at least for me. I was having a hard time getting excited about sex. I made the mistake of trying to find something to get me into the mood on my own. For some reason I had the idea of trying on a couple pairs of her panties and taking pictures of myself. Big mistake. It didn't work for me, but we did end up getting pregnant with our second child. A few months after he was born, she found the pictures. As well as some others of women that I had. They were on a disc in the computer. She was devastated, hurt and sickened by the photos. I assured her that I was not having an affair, physical or online, and that I had not sent them to anyone. She asked me to move out. Which I did, I thought our marriage was over then. We worked things out and I moved back. The day I moved back in we made love for the first time in a very long time. It was the best sex we had ever had. It wasn't just make up sex, it was passionate and intimate. That day was the closest I had felt to her in a long time. Nine months later, we had another son. However, our sex life never recovered. And we also didn't mention the pictures again.

About a year ago, we were going through a drifting apart phase and divorce was brought up then. We agreed to see a counselor to work things out. We did go for a few months and things were getting better. We were working on the little things, as the counselor put it: take care of the drops before the bucket fills up. Which we did.

Back to our last conversation, when I asked her to reconsider, we did end up talking about the pictures. I explained to her why I did it. I guess this is the first time we really talked about that problem in depth with each other. Another big mistake. We took too long to deal with that. She explained to me that a part of her had died because of that. I have a heavy heart because of this, she said that when we did have sex, it felt like abuse to her. Now I am the one that feels devastated because of what I did to her. I asked her again if she still wanted to read the book and she replied with a sure. It was the kind of sure that felt more like a "yeah, whatever, give it to me and I'll put it on the nightstand as a coaster for awhile."

This conversation happened jan 7. I got the book on jan 16th and started reading that night. We still live together. We live our days as though things are "normal." We have dinner as a family, we talk about things, go places as a family, etc. We give each other moral support with things going on in our lives such as work and school. The only major difference now is I sleep in the basement. After the boys are in bed, she will come down and we will chat. Not about what is going on or what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing. I guess I'm not quite sure what techniques I should use in this situation.

I can say this for sure. I have started working on myself. I've made the decision that no matter what happens, I'm going to make me feel good about myself. I guess my biggest concern outside of working on myself is where to begin with the techniques in the book. Where do I begin? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I'm not sure if this all made sense, I was just writing things as they came to me. I'm sure there are some holes that I would be happy to fill in if anything is unclear. I just want to to what is in the best interest of saving my marriage and getting to a place that is healthy for both of us

[GreyMatter]

Welcome aboard the rollercoaster Allofus!
Well let's hope your sitch is not as bad as the most of us, I'm a firm believer that if you get it quick you have better chance of reducing the time it takes to get through it.

A bit of an overview that I have been able to grasp.
There is a few posts that will help. Definately read the last resort technique and Sandi 37 rules you should find them in the newcomers forum. Keep reading as its one of the number one things that help you maintain composure in emotional situations. It is easy to start to 'feel' anger etc but by reading self help stuff you get to understand 'why' and really start to get to know how to get in control of hiding your emotions which you will also be told to do at all costs.

Don't try and get her to read the book. You will read this on multiple occasions in this forum. These self help books are for us not our WAS's. They will simply think you are playing games on them.

You'll get the gist of it all with the 37 rules. Give distance, don't respond to soon to her, validate her concerns by saying things like 'I'm sorry you feel that way - I didn't realise it had that effect' never try and justify as it only shows you still being 'selfish' (to them)

An insight to anger and negative thoughts - we all carry around negative thoughts daily (something like 80,000 bad toughts per day) and once you have been looking at the same sitch for a long period of time with negative tones it is really hard to get it out of your head. The way you think, they way you act, the way you and your partner mirror each others body language before you even open your mouths.

You're about to head into personal discovery about yourself and your own actions and this is where your focus needs to be. You can not have expectations on anyone else nor rely on them. But here is the perfect thing - we mirror each other - this is why when we focus on us and making changes in ourselves, our partners change too!

Happy reading - I look forward to your updates!

[GreyMatter]

you're on moderation so you need to continue to make small frequent posts until you come off. Keep doing little updates to your thread and it will all happen!

[AnotherStander]

Hello, welcome to the forums! First I agree with GM that you really don't want her to read the book. The reason is because if she reads it and you implement it, she will see all your actions as "oh that's something he read that in the book and now he's trying to use all these tricks to get me back". The WAS has to see many months of consistent changed behavior before they start thinking the LBS really has changed.

We sold our two bedroom townhouse in october 2013 and moved in with her parents.

Are all of you still living with her parents? Have you ever had a plan in place to move out? This types of situations can create a LOT of resentment.

The day before thanksgiving I got laid off from my job.

I don't think it's a coincidence that she asked for D the same day. When you lost your job she probably saw that as killing any chances of moving out of her parents' place.

I asked her to reconsider her decision to get the counseling. She said she felt like she was backed into a corner and felt trapped.

That's pretty common, they see MC as pressure and they do not want any pressure. Don't push for MC because she'll just use it to justify her reasons for wanting to end the M.

However, our sex life never recovered.

What do you mean by this, do you mean it wasn't passionate or it became very infrequent?

After the boys are in bed, she will come down and we will chat. Not about what is going on or what we are going to do and how we are going to do it. I'm not sure if this is a good or bad thing.

It's a good thing, if you read Sandi2's 37 Rules you'll see that it's bad to discuss the M. Keep all talk light and fluffy. Remove all pressure from her. Give her time and space.

Where do I begin?

If you're still out of work then that's the first thing you need to get serious about- find a job. If you can't demonstrate that you can support the family and get them out of her parents' house then I don't think the rest of your DB'ing is going to matter. Does your W work or is she a SAHM?